Old Wives Tales

....rolling on from the cheese theory mentioned earlier I thought I'd continue with some more old wives tales.

• Looking too closely at the TV will make your eyes go square. Clearly Bazza Beef completely ignored that one.
• Having sex standing up is a form of contraception. I wonder if Mary and Joseph tried that one; hence the emaculate conception. (Does this mean those christian God botherers will burn effergies of me now? I've always wanted to be an effergy.) Actually, come to think of it. I wonder if Romeo Tony believed this one....
• Stepping on a rusty nail causes tetnus. In this particular case it is true. Although my mate Dave might be inclind to see it more of a waste of a drink. One part scotch and one part drambuie. Pour the scotch before the drambuie.
• Masturbation makes you go blind. One for the blokes I believe. Or causes hairs to grow on the palms of your hands. I mean honestly. Just how big is the average penis? I can think of a few chaps at the local drinking establishment that could do with a Gillette razor.
• My all time favourite this one: Chewing gum if swallowed, stays in your stomach for seven years. To think up until now I actually believed in it. Thanks Mum. This might also explain why the streets are littered with all that sticky crap.
• A pimple on your tongue means you have lied. Absolute complete and utter bollocks. A pimple on your tongue means you've just contracted a sexual disease from some god awful tart.
• Don't cross your eyes; they might stay that way. It is conceivable that the ocular muscles may become cramped or strained while crossing the eyes, but the probability is very low. Oh my god. To think, that used to be my party piece too.
• Eating apples and cherries makes your penis grow bigger. Nope. Watching porn has the same effect as does playing with ones self.