Thursday, November 30, 2006

Cruel Soldiers in Iraq

Three things have happened to me. First, while trying to find a suitable steak picture for the previous article, I googled for steak. One of the results that came up was a site called I have a wonderful stilton sauce that I love with my steak and so went to it. It has nothing to do with steak and cheese at all. Secondly, as I looked on with a little curiosity, I saw an advert for internet dating and a particular lady up for a date in my location. I am an IT professional so I know how it works but in the hangover haze that I have at the moment, it freaked me out a little, even making me a little paranoid. The third thing that got me was clicking on a link on the website mentioned again out of curiosity and came across a UTUBE clip

Iraqi Children Running for Water

If you can put aside the cruel soldiers and wait for the enevitable ending....its sad and sorry at the same time........

Crazy Steak Eating American

I am by no way seriously anti-american, its just that some of the things they say and do are just a little odd. As I did more research on "beer", I came across a fellow blogger and just by chance came across one of his articles about a ten pound (weight) steak.

Ten POUNDS!! of cow flesh sitting in your gut. Can you imagine it! Most baby's born don't weight that much. Now I know where that phrase comes from:

"I love babies. But I can't eat a whole one!".

I don't think I've ever eaten ten pounds of anything. Although I might give it a go. Being a wimp of a Brit I will forego the steak. Suitable foods that I could stomach ten pounds of.....

  • Spaghetti or any kind of pasta

  • eggs (not raw of course)

  • soup (although that would give me the sh*ts for days

  • cheese

  • pringles

  • crisps

  • beef jerky (not you Barry's Beef, although your left arm with a bit of salt and pepper...)

  • prawns

  • berries

I have found the answer, it would have to have a reasonably high water content to that I can urinate most of it while eating. Not at the same time of course as I would have to leave the table occassionally to visit the toilet. Berries it is. Perhaps I could do it for a good cause. A charity of some sort. If there is anyone interested in me doing this feat then drop me a line. If there is enough interest then I'll consider doing it.

My Mate's Birthday

Oh the hangover. I suppose to be expected when I go on the lash with my mate Dave. This however is all the more unique as my alchohol in take has been down to the minimal for the last week and a half. This of course is due to the fact that I've been on annual leave too. So not used to the high consumption of the toxic beverage I got plastered and left early. Luckily the cab driver knew where I was going. I'm sure my mate Dave had a good birthday. I'm not so sure how he'll perform for today's darts final.......If you're reading this Dave. DRINK LOADS OF COFFEE!!!

....oh I found this picture while looking for a suitable one for this article. Now that's my kind of beer!

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Tribute to Allen Carr

Allen Carr has passed away. He died from lung cancer. Some say that he died from all the smoke congested seminars he used to conduct, others say that it was a result of heavy smoking for all those years. Rather than people look at something to blame for his death, perhaps people should rejoice at the fact that he has helped an estimated ten million people to stop smoking. Stick that up your tail pipe and smoke it Labour Government! Millions of pounds spent of advertsing campaigns has done very little to stop people smoking. Perhaps the government should have give the money to Allen Carr to set up more clinics and more support for children.

Rest in Peace Allen Carr.

Traumatic No Matter How Many Times....

I found this on UTUBE this morning. This couples account of what happened that day captures the horror and terror in a way that no other hollywood movie could. Shame on you Mr Stone.

Bob and Bri's footage of the World Trade Center.

It was a very sobering thing to watch first thing this morning. It does remind people of their own mortality. It certainly did mine this morning.

Sunday, November 26, 2006

TV Programmes from my yoof

This weekend's posts very much have the focus of film and history. So I'll change the focus to television programming. Or more to the point my recollection of one's of my youth.

  • Benny Hill

  • Candid Camera

  • Star Trek

  • V

  • The Invaders

  • Man-imal

  • Only Fools and Horses

  • The Dick Emery Show

  • Morcambe and Wise

  • The Two Ronnies

  • Some Mothers Do Ave Them

  • Street Hawk

  • Knight Rider

  • Buck Rogers

  • CHiPs

  • 3-2-1

  • Pot Black

  • Wrestling on a Saturday afternoon

  • Happy Days

  • The Dukes of Hazzard

  • The Sweeny

  • Dallas

  • Dynasty

  • Miss World (when it was acceptable. Damn the P.C. brigade!!)

  • Eurovision

  • Ren and Stimpy

  • Eurotrash

  • Twin Peaks

  • Beauty and the Beast (the TV show with Linda Hamilton)

  • Top of the Pops

  • The Gaffer

  • The Professionals

  • Minder

  • Tales of the Unexpected

  • Hammer House of Horror

  • Sapphire and Steel

  • Wogan

  • Sale of the Century

  • Bullseye

  • Northern Exposure

  • Tiswas

  • Timmy Mallet

  • Noel Edmonds Breakfast Show

  • Blankety Blank

  • Grange Hill

  • Renta-Ghost

  • Play School

  • Tony Hart

  • Story Time

  • Night Caller

  • Blue Peter

  • Jim'll Fix It

  • Record Breakers

  • Baywatch

  • Its a Knockout

  • Monkey

  • The Water Margin

  • Metal Mickey

  • Alf

  • Open All Hours

  • Are you Being Served?

Thats as much as I can think the moment

Some on relfection are utter crap now but others are pure genius. British programming should really inject some more of this sort of thing. Come on BBC, go back to your roots and make British telly good again.

The Consequences of History and Film making

The film Kindgom of Heaven came at a timely or un-timely period of modern times with the tension of the middle east and a certain american president uttering the word a "crusade" sparking lots of controversy. Was the film a pro-christian view of those events hundreds of years ago? No. A great film and one that clearly promoted an idea that not all things are ever one sided in history. If people were to read historical literature from both sides of the fence then things may seen a more realistic. Take for example some of the famous English conquests of the old world and if you can find equivilant literature for all of those who were conquered, the eyes of those who documented those accounts are clearly tainted with hate, anger, passion, glory, patronism etc. It is perhaps to us to formulate a more sensible conclusion to those events as we are detached from those sorrows and glories of that time. What an interesting thought it is to wonder what historians might make of the conflicts of the 20th century.

Odd and Controversial movies.

In the land of movie making there are truly some real oddities out there. I'm a fan of the strange, unusual and weird ones. Mainstream Hollywood productions share the same sort of genes with each other which make them all the more samey. Too much gloss, very little grit and frankly dishonest as they are all geared towards making profit. My list of unique filmography is as follows:

  • Dune
  • Society
  • The Devils Rejects
  • House of a 1000 Corpses
  • Mullholland Drive
  • Twin Peaks
  • Fire Walk With Me
  • Bitter Moon
  • Razor Blade Smile
  • Switchblade Romance
  • Big Fish
  • Old Boy
  • Battle Royale
  • Two Sisters
  • Straw Dogs
  • Baise Moi
  • Irreverisble
  • Eugenie
  • Requiem for a Dream
  • Romper Stomper
  • Pariah
  • Thirteen
  • Blue Velvet
  • Crash

Most of these I have either seen or are in my collection of DVD's. What drives directors to make such films? Controversy has always courted film makers the world over. The list above is a sample of films that dare to put taboo and distasteful subjects into the public domain. Whether people turn away in disgust, have a morbid fascination, voyeurism or intellectual curiosity, it still tickles a part of human nature that only the liberal minded type can only discuss.

Why am I writing about this? Because I spoke to a friend of mine about a week ago who told me something about herself and her past that suprised me. Yet she felt very happy to tell me this. I too am happy to know of this bit of her that I would personally would have kept to my self. It takes a lot of confidence to say what she said and with that I find myself one step closer as a friend to her.

As free and liberal as some mainstream attitudes of hollywood film makers think they are, I am bewildered by how most of the controversy they court is mostly for profit making rather than expanding peoples awareness of what really goes on in this world.

James Bond

The subject crops up now and again about which is the best Bond movie. I'm not going to do that, I'm going to name my top ten Bond movies.....and as much as I hate to, number one goes to.....

  1. Casino Royale (the one with Daniel Craig).
  2. The Living Daylights
  3. The Spy who Loved Me
  4. Moonraker
  5. A View to a Kill
  6. Goldeneye
  7. The Man with the Golden Gun
  8. Octopussy
  9. From Russia with Love
  10. The World Is Not Enough

Apart from the top three I find it difficult to put the rest in order of preference.


The thing with cable TV is that if you watch one channel all day long as I more or less have, you find that the daytime programming repeats itself again in the evening. I like my car shows and so I was treated to more repeats to Top Gear and Jeremy Clarkson's Motorworld....again. Most of the time I enjoy the repeats. Motorworld this afternoon was about vehicles in India....again but this time around I paid particular attention to Clarkson's interview with an ex-pat who was asked about his driving experience in India. The gentleman in question was well spoken and clearly with the attitude from a by gone era. I was a little suprised how while he commented on the general attitude of the drivers in India that he found it very difficult to say something derogatory about the native population. Now for a man who has lived most of his life there, why on earth does he still manage to differentiate himself from the people of India? Very strange. I'd think that after fifty odd years of living in one country that one would find themselves intergral with the very fabric of that society. I think he prefers to administrate some alienation with the people of India as he probably still thinks that Queen Vicky is still in power and that Mount Batten is still in his nappy's. I will point out however that the programme was made some time ago and the old git has probably died. Was he hoping for a state funeral? To think that there are some of the old crew that stubbornly hold onto that so-called romantic view of what life was like back in 1927.

Time Travelling Movies

Just as I finished my last post I realised that the majority of time travelling films have mostly been mediocre. The original time travelling movie, "The Time Machine" which won awards for its special effects, turned out to be an okay film but cut the ending short. For anyone who has read the book, you'll know what I mean. The blonde haired, blue eyed portrayal of people from the future had me in stitches. The only way that might have happened would have been if Hitler had won the war. Not only that but for those of the fairer complexion set in the film turn out to be mindless zombies anyway. Bad luck Hitler. Probably wouldn't have worked anyway eh through all that in-breeding. And another thing, with all those blonde jokes out there, how on earth would that represent the future of man kind?

The re-make of The Time Machine faired slightly better but for its reliance on Neighbours star Guy Pearce (for the acting) and perky Irish singer Samantha Mumba (for the eye candy) and a whole load of effects. I think that some one like Peter Jackson would have made a better attempt at it. Having said that; unlike the original movie, this one at least portrayed future human beings as being of a more coffee coloured complexion, which as scientific study suggests is what are future generations are more likely to look like. No more expensive fake tans or streaky suntan creams.....And people won't take offence to the phrase that "you look like one great big freckle". Boy did Hitler get it wrong.

The Terminator and the sequels. The first, brilliant, the second even better, the third frankly was a little bit pants. The charm with the first two was the concept of the first and the explanation of the first in the second. It didn't really need much more than that.

Austin Powers. Is it a time travel film or more of a comedy. More of a comedy I think so excluded from this article.

Back to the Future. The more I think about my original statement about a lack of decent Time Travelling films the more I think otherwise. For once all three films have equalled each other for comedy value and the science fiction bit. Lets hope they don't do a remake.

Planet of the Apes. The original or the newer one. It depends what generation you come from. Personally, I was a fan of neither. The very idea of apes being the dominant species and man not. Unbelievable. Even if it is on a different planet. Bullsh*t concept but carried off well, for some. Average.

A Sound of Thunder. Totally sh*t film. Time travelling tourist rubbish with the usual "what if you did something in the past to influence the future", but with dinosaurs. Its sounds good on paper but the end result is utter rubbish.

The Philadelphia Experiment. This was a cracking film for the reasons that the factual stuff behind the film was so very much more interesting. Government cover ups of an experiment to make a ship physically disappear/become invisible that went horribly wrong.

Star Trek: The Voyage Home. I'm a star trek fan to a point. Not a trekkie but someone who enjoys a good Star trek movie.This film however this not that good. I saw this film as a kid and greatly liked the idea behind the future holding the ability to travel into the past and making it look tangible. Remember I was a kid and I thought they will invent warp drives and teleporters sometime soon. The idea of the movie was to travel to 1980 something USA (why always USA?) and grab a whale and bring it back to the future present to save planet earth. I watched this film about three days ago and noted the exact point at which they decide to travel back in time in a space ship supposedly inferior to the Enterprise. Kirk, McCoy and Spock realising the gravity of the situation (the Earth is being attacked by a strange probe) and realising that the solution to the problem lies back in the twentieth century. Spock and Kirk agree to time travel. How they acheive this is a complete mystery. A little explanation would have been nice but nope. Rubbish.

Films to see soon...

On my hit list of movies to watch over the seasonal period are and what I think its all about:

Apocolypto : Written and directed by the little man from Oz who was a little upset about Jewish people not so long ago. Its about an ancient civilisation of south america and its downfall prior to the Spanish killing them by the thousands and spreading european disease unknown in that land

Pan's Labyrinth: Strange and mythical creatures and a young girl in war time Spain. The trailer looks cool so that is why I am going to see it.

The Fountain: A curious one starring ex-X men dude Hugh Jackman and Yummy mummy from the Mummy, Rachael Weisz. Time travelling extraveganza involving much fighting, depth, romance and a tree. Again the trailer is just about convincing enough to make it worthwhile watching.

By some miracle

I have spent almost all week under the influence. Of Lemsip, Beechams, Benylin and the ocassional hot tody or two with a load of casserole. I hate catching colds. It is probably the most unproductive thing that can happen to a person. Things get half done, half cooked, half cleaned, half attempted. Generally halfed. Like my half attempt with my hot date on Friday. Don't get me wrong, it went well in the end but as a consequence this cold has made its feelings perfectly clear. It has an obligation to stay with me a little longer. But I want a divorce!

Friday, November 24, 2006

My Guard Fish.

....They've grown.......and only six months ago they were just the size of a twenty pence coin...

Global Warming

When I was younger. In fact back in 1986 I seemed to remember asking myself why there was less and less snow fall every year. Iwas twelve back then. I knew something was afoot back then.

To the present day and now I ask myself another question. I woke up this morning and as usual checked the weather forecast but not to see weather it was raining or not. But how warm it would be. I know a silly thing to say, perhaps. We are at the tail end of November and enjoying extremely mild weather for this time of the year. Its about fourteen degrees celsius in London at the moment and I suspect maybe a degree higher. December is likely to mainly fall to around about seven to nine degrees and not much less. Whats more is that where traditionally one would say that winter usuallt set in around about late October, it now really kicks off at about late January. Some of the coldest temperatures we normally experience is around about at that time and persists until mid-March. Are we now seeing a seasonal shift where in a few hundred years time our summers are more likely to fall in October/November? It seems that way. I heard of a rather scary thought the other day about the magnetic poles swapping over in a short space in time. Is the seasonal change a sign of the poles about to change. It all happens relatively quickly over a period of a couple of hundred years. This could effect everything from timing devices, navigational systems, electronics, and more importantly, we'd turn into Australians!! Does that mean that we would inherit the all the Ashes wins too?

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Paternal Urges

It must be my paternal instincts that are kicking in...again. As you know I have two adorable cats (I told you so) and that they provide much entertainment as much as they do company, but I seem to find myself talking to them as if they were my kids. Strange as that I don't have any human kids myself. I found myself ticking off my little girl (cat) as she stalked a sleeping Jinx. Parenthood is beconing (did I spell that correctly?)......

I wonder when that urge to start a family kicks in. Chavvy families start at about thirteen (ouch!) and further up the so called social/class ladder don't start until about forty'ish. Actually I think that is incorrect.

There are three possible acceptable points of starting a family depending on where you are on the class ladder. As I said, Chavvy types would probably start as soon as possible, cousin or otherwise. Middle class would probably be mid to late thirties or early forties. However, your common or garden upper class would be your early to mid twenties, cousin or otherwise. Argue....

Blimey! Have I identified some commonality amongst us...probably not.

Oh and for all of those that have taken offence, clearly you need to appreciate the alternative humorous standpoint in this particular entry...

Le Football.

I'm sure my fellow blogger Bazza the Beef will raise an eyebrow or three to me for paying attention to tonights footy. What a blinder of a match (or two). Who'dve (where does that damn apostophe go by the way?) thought Celtic mashing Man United???!!!??!? A demonstration of sheer footballism. A cracking non stop game of football with none of the pansy play that you'd expect from Chelski. I thought Man U had it in the bag or it looked like it for the first half. The only disappointment was that I missed Celtic's goal as I had to have a moment of solitude in the bath. Didn't see the Arsenal game though. It probably wouldn't have amounted to much more than a limp wristed effort for a cheap win. Ouch!

What I like about people....

What I like about people.

Being ill has its advantages. Its having time to think. Time for reflection. I was taking account of all the people I can remember and what kind of influence they have had in my life both good and bad. Lets start with the baddest. The baddest showed the weakness in me. That person showed me how to respect myself, inadverently. So I thank her for that. All the other people in my life have helped me to become who I am. I think that the people who surround us define who we are as much as sometimes we would or would not like to. Ever had a shit relationship? It makes a difference on your outlook on life. Don't get me wrong though. It is in no way an excuse for when things go wrong that I can say "it was his/hers fault that I am the way I am". No not at all. I doubt very much if there can ever be a definition of ones self. Perhaps a description of ones habits and personality traits but that doesn't forever make them who they are. I've realised that in each person over time that that person changes. Some people can be unwilling to accept this possibility. But believe it or not, when you look back twenty or thirty years later, you will have changed. Human nature is to change and adapt. Its about how long it takes before it does happen.

So to the good influences on my life. My family of course........and,

my last partner was the best thing that happened to me. I thank her. Retrospectively I met her after the most god awful time in my life and she showed me what it is like to be with someone who loves you and doesn't expect anything in return; people who like you for whatever the way you are. I took liberties and in the end I realised that I wasn't good enough for her. The people that I know right now are fantastic. They bring normality and sanity and much happiness to me. I hope I do the same to them too. I suppose people spend far too much time in mainstream life to forget to reflect.

I wonder how many young people look at an elderly person and for once not think "there is that dithery old person again" and think what seventy, eighty or ninety years of experience has given them? Not many I suspect. I am fascinated by the very idea of what it might be like in that many years time. Well okay when I accumulate that many years of experience. Would I be able to teach a young whipper snapper a thing or two about life? Probably not. Could I give a toss? Probably not because I might just think that the young person I see before me will be living the life that they live in now just as I did back then.

2Darts signing off for tonight.

How to Solve the Problem of Racism

I was just cruising UTube for some funny clips to brighten up my day when I came across this. The most funniest thing I have heard for a long time. Has he been locked up yet?

Counter Racism

What a weirdo.

Monday, November 20, 2006

Top Gear vs Fifth Gear

My passion is motorsport. Admittedly an armchair fan. Formula 1, TOCA, GTR, basically any kind of motorsport with four wheels is a suitable alternative to porn.

Top Gear being my favorite show of all time in this context I am some what missing it. And for out respect to Richard Hammond who had that appalling accident almost a couple of months ago, I can wait. Its good to hear that he is on the road to recovery. It takes a lot of bottle to have done what he did and lets hope he is under no pressure to come back to TV anytime soon. Get well Hamster. So to the alternative. Fifth Gear. To be honest not a patch on Top Gear. The quality of the programming is sub standard. Perhaps its because they review standard everyday cars. The kind of things that you see everyday. Top Gear on the other hand gives the audience exposure to the sort of exotic material that many can only dream of. Not only that but a chance to see how these sports cars fare on the Top Gear test track against other equally exotic cars. The presenters are second to none. The banter, the arguments and the blokey atmosphere that makes for your typical blokey conversation one would have in a pub....but without being sexist. Cars are for blokes and birds. I mean men and women and just because the presenters are all men, I don't think that women feel excluded from the entertainment offered. You only have to look at the audience to realise that despite some of the women are only there for there man, many of them do have a genuine interest in cars. With Fifth Gear, I can only think that they try too hard to appeal to both genders. To summarise, Fifth Gear is nothing but a poor imitation. Bring back Top Gear!!!! (only when the Hamster is well enough though).

Old Wives Tales

....rolling on from the cheese theory mentioned earlier I thought I'd continue with some more old wives tales.

  • Looking too closely at the TV will make your eyes go square. Clearly Bazza Beef completely ignored that one.
  • Having sex standing up is a form of contraception. I wonder if Mary and Joseph tried that one; hence the emaculate conception. (Does this mean those christian God botherers will burn effergies of me now? I've always wanted to be an effergy.) Actually, come to think of it. I wonder if Romeo Tony believed this one....
  • Stepping on a rusty nail causes tetnus. In this particular case it is true. Although my mate Dave might be inclind to see it more of a waste of a drink. One part scotch and one part drambuie. Pour the scotch before the drambuie.
  • Masturbation makes you go blind. One for the blokes I believe. Or causes hairs to grow on the palms of your hands. I mean honestly. Just how big is the average penis? I can think of a few chaps at the local drinking establishment that could do with a Gillette razor.
  • My all time favourite this one: Chewing gum if swallowed, stays in your stomach for seven years. To think up until now I actually believed in it. Thanks Mum. This might also explain why the streets are littered with all that sticky crap.
  • A pimple on your tongue means you have lied. Absolute complete and utter bollocks. A pimple on your tongue means you've just contracted a sexual disease from some god awful tart.
  • Don't cross your eyes; they might stay that way. It is conceivable that the ocular muscles may become cramped or strained while crossing the eyes, but the probability is very low. Oh my god. To think, that used to be my party piece too.
  • Eating apples and cherries makes your penis grow bigger. Nope. Watching porn has the same effect as does playing with ones self.

The Cheese Theory

Cheese Theory. Most people have probably heard of this one.

"If you eat cheese before bed time, you'lll have nightmares."

Nightmares for one are really only for kids. Most adults rarely experience night time terrors.....unless they've taken about five tabs of acid and a field of mushrooms. So with a small glass of vino to aid digestion I ingested a largish portion of strong matured cheddar at about midnight. And promptly dozed off. I woke up this morning after some of the weirdest dreams I have had in quiet sometime.

I did some research on the net to find out if any other persons had wrote in with similar feedback and curiously some did. So I looked for an explanation and this time around it varied from the break down of proteins to lactose intolerance to a lengthy digestive process. It kind of takes the fun out of it all when you read something that seems to be scientifically explained.

I actually think that scientists too have already discovered the meaning of life and its just that they don't want to upset all those religious lunatics around the world. Can you imagine just how many people would be willing to stick their head in the sand and pretend not to believe it. Imagine if it came down to a simple mathematical equation. I mean if they can explain why toast always falls buttered side down (check here for proof) then surely God should be a doddle!

Damn Cold

Two things that make having a cold worse. Having a cold and having a cold on a miserable overcast day. What I need is a stinkly hot curry. Or alternatively some wickedly hot jerk chicken, for breakfast.

Sunday, November 19, 2006

A Little Gem

Oh the memories of smoking some of the wacky backy seem like decades ago and indeed everything relating to it is a distant memory. I found a little gem of a Cheech and Chong movie just the other day; "Things are Tough All Over". There is a classic line right at the beginning of the film were Chong says to Cheech as they are driving along. "I haven't done drugs for a week man. I feel so good I wanna get high!". Brilliant. Another line: "It ain't drugs that kill you, its looking for them. It can keep you up all night. I remember once, I was up for three days looking for some toot or somethin......". I can go on.....Hilarious stuff.

What is wrong with the World?

I think I must be having a moment like that chap from "Day of the Triffids" or to put a more modern perspective on it, "28 Days Later". Did I wake up one morning and did the world change around me over night? (perhaps the film "Dark City"). The lady mentioned in the last blog has gone a little too over the top for me. I have to be careful what I say though as it might be that she's just excited about things. My friend Pickle has gone from being a Stepford wife to being on the verge of single and was certainly starting to show it on Friday night. Yesterday morning, I caught the flu (or very bad cold) and that just put me in a foul mood. My sister is coming to visit next weekend. Which is a nice thing but I can't even remember the last time I saw her. Unusually I stayed up until after one in the morning despite my illness watching a blood and guts film and to top it off, some tosser of a young man who I thought just outside the flat with his mate turned out to be someone talking very, very loudly to his mate who was talking to him on his mobile phone!!! At 1.30 in the morning!! To top things off, yes, I have a cold/flu just as I start two weeks of annual leave! What an absolute bummer! I thought with all this bizarreness going on I'd check out the BBC news website to see if something dramatic had happened during my sleeping hours and nope. Not a sausage.

One word of advice. If you are not religious, and not tolerant of bell ringing first thing on a Sunday morning then don't buy a house next to a church. Oh the bells! the bells!

So anything positive to say about anything. I'm attempting another feat of endurance. No smoking or drinking for the next two weeks. This is not a consequence of being ill. This is more a test of character. Wish me luck.

Saturday, November 11, 2006

Things are looking up

A couple of weeks ago I went on an awesome stag do. I caught up with my mate who's stag do it was last night together with my mate who happens to be his fiance. It was especially a good night as I didn't have a great deal to drink either. Being sensible has its benefits. I had good reason to leave early as a few days ago I was contacted by a wonderful woman that I'd met on the stag night. It sounds a little corny but it was at a club in Brighton. I applied Romeo Tony's sacrifice technique and it worked. Actually is wasn't an application of technique more like a situation I took advantage of. One of my friends who was well into the land of boozdom had been chatting to a couple of women (her friends) and I noticed her standing there alone. A real pretty picture of a woman. I couldn't just stand there wondering if there might be a chance to strike up a conversation, so armed with several beers worth of courage I approached. To summarise, after two hours of talking and an exchange of numbers I hoped to meet her again. Lets put it this way, a date is set for dinner in a couple of weeks time. Wish me luck.....

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Ray Winstone

There are some fine things that come out of good old Blighty. Stilton Cheese, roast beef, and Ray Winstone. Stereo typed as the loveable brit gangster. To be honest,for which I don't blame him for being a little tired as always being typecasted into such roles. He has a wonderful natural ability that no other brit actor can consistently do successfully. He tried his hand at one of King Arthurs men, a role as King Henry the Eighth but his latest endevour as an irish american in "The Departed" is clearly a misguided departure from everything he has done so far. The man just can't do accents. I mean we had all put up with Sean Connery with his dodgy russian accent in "The Hunt for Red October" by virtue of having such longevity and success in films. Ray Winstone, clearly the national hero in Britain doesn't quite yet have the international recognition that deserves such forgiveness. I have to conceed that this is one attempt at an accent that would have been worthy of a dub or just simply left alone. Alright son?

Speaking of other cool brit actors, I think we need to see more of Sean Pertwee. Another cool actor with loads of potential. One film that springs to mind which I enjoy watching is "Love, Honour and Obey" in which both great actors star in. And for me personally I love the tongue in cheek story line of an old London rivalry between North London and South London gangs. Lots of fun. Superb!

You know that question, "Which famous celebrity would you most like to go out on the town with?". Ray Winstone would probably be the kind of bloke I'd like to be on a pub crawl with. Top Geezer!!

Film Sequels and Porn.

I'm a fan of the X-Men movies. So with great regret I never quite managed to see the third installment at the cinema. I wait in eager anticipation for the DVD release. However as I watch X-Men 2 or X2 on the small screen (why I don't simply watch my DVD copy instead of labouring through the TV commercials I don't know) I wonder whether or not X3 should get an Adult Classification........Geddit? X3? XXX? Porn movie? Nope? Oh dear. Come to think of it, that crap movie with Vin Diesel in it XXX or triple X or even X3 for short would've been the more obvious choice. I wonder how many people rented or bought it thinking it was a porn movie.....

Trend Analysis and all that Bollocks

The more astute amongst you may have realised that the number of blog entries coincides with whether or not I have been down my local drinkning establishment. Or perhaps maybe that never snippet of self observation never crossed your mind....for which I thank you.

A joke from my old man.

2 Darts Senior has a great sense of humour and just to show where I get my shining sense of humour from too....

> An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world.
> > So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to China.
> > On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read "$10,000 per call".
> > The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.
> > The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God.
> > The American thanked the priest and went along his way.
> > Next stop was in Japan. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it.
> > He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in China and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.
> > She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God.
> > "O.K., thank you," said the American.
> > He then travelled to Pakistan, Sri lanka, Russia, Germany and France.
> > In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same "$10,000 per call" sign under it. The American, upon leaving Vermont decided to travel to India to see if Indians had the same phone.
> > He arrived in India, and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read "One Rupee per call."
> > The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. "Father, I've travelled all over World and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but everywhere the price was $10,000 per call.
> > Why is it so cheap here?"
> > The priest smiled and answered, "You're in India now, son - it's a local call".


Romeo Tony's not the only one.

So you understand something about Romeo Tony. A gentleman and an interesting geezer,, and a smooth charmer. Assuming the phrase that there is always an opposite to a thing there is another that I should mention that is inverse to the chap mentioned above.

I am in a state of confusion as to what I shall call this character. He too is a top bloke but clearly of a totally different discipline to Romeo Tony. I have to be careful what I call him as this chap is the biggest f**king geezer I know. A little taller than me, perhaps six foot three. And almost as wide. A mountain of a man. I will say that he is a walking definition of bling and just in case you didn't understand before, a top bloke. But a horny as hell f**ker. And my old boss. At work, an out and out professional but the moment, and I do mean moment (milliseconds, picoseconds. You understand what I mean.) he steps out of the office then the only topic of conversation that is ever uttered from his mouth is about shagging. Shagging, shagging and more shagging. Morning, noon and night. Doesn't he ever get bored of it all? No idea. The most comical thing about the expression on his face is that it is a look of a predator combined with the finesse of Leslie Phillips (of Carry on Doctor fame), oh and a little bit of Barry White. As I said in my previous blog, watching a bloke chatting up a woman has so much comedy value for his mate. I wonder if I look like that. Or could it be that I very, very rarely attempt such a thing in the line of sight of mates. I shall call him Barry Phillips.

Opening Lines

I have to say this as it still has me in stitches. And the more I think about it the funnier it gets. My "How to Date A Woman" guru earlier this afternoon added further suggestions to the fit woman at the train station problem. Let me explain from the beginning.

The conversation started with my mate Dave, Romeo Tony and I talking about a certain Lord with an appetite for young attractive women. My mate Dave as an acute aversion to Lordy Lord much to my amusement although he has a point. There are some classic examples of why men generally are seen as an obstacle to Lordy Lord as they get in the way of the attractive women that they are talking to. I myself have had first hand at being side lined while said Lord somehow wafts his O'dr I'm Rich and I'm Important at my friends Pickle and Foxy. I'm not particularly bothered by it except that it is a little rude that somehow it doesn't really matter that Dave or I am talking to them at the time. There clearly must be something far more important that has to be said to these two fine looking women that can't wait until we have finished talking. My mate Dave has by this time made a bee-line some hundred yards away to the bar (the distance is an exaggeration but you get my point) leaving me wondering what on earth I'm doing sitting there like a plumb. For a while my mate Dave and I thought we must be the only ones subjected to this form of friendship. Until that is Romeo Tony piped up and made mention of the randy old Lords bottom slappping exploits. I personally find the whole show hilarious. I imagine a cartoon character of a figure of said Lord in the style of a Carry on Movie. Really funny. I digress.

So I asked the question to Romeo Tony about why women are attracted to rather ungainly looking blokes. As always the wisdom of Romeo is unfaltering as ever as he mentions two key things. Money and power. Is it really true that with those traits associated with ones being that a man can have any woman he likes? Are those qualities so seductive to women that no longer sensitivity, a sense of humour and a big c**k the only things a man needs as tools of the trade to attract a woman? Surely not! To add credibility to Romeo Tony's theory (or fact) you only have to look at some examples. John Major and Edwina Currie, John Prescott and some Secretary, Hitler and Eva Braun, erm Punch and Judy...perhaps not the last one, Sooty and the Panda lady, Rod, Jane and Freddie (menage a trois). Okay I'll stop.

So applying that wisdom to my predicament a suggestion was made to me. Why not print some business cards out with the title Lord or MP to my name and approach lady at the train station in that way. For a split second I thought it might work. Then the reality and practicality of it set in. Looking at the example of the Lord in question I realised that I would have to eat a copious amount of expensive food, drink a gallon of port a day for that authentic red wino's nose and wear a really bad pin stripe suit. Impossible. Nice one Romeo Tony but I'm afraid not. If it were indeed successful I certainly would not like to earn that kind of reputation that my mate Dave so well describes. As a traditionalist I think I shall depend on the traditional qualities that I mentioned earlier. And for all you laydees out there, yes I really do have a big .......... :-)

Selling Ice to Eskimos..or something like that.

Again I was privileged to be in the company of Romeo Tony. However considering the alchohol fuelled festival of fun that was last night I didn't expect to see him for a while. I wondered with fascination and much amusement at some of Romeo Tony's heroic tales of womanising until a break in the conversation lead to a different kind of talk. Holidays. I haven't been anywhere for quite some time as I am ever the dedicated professional to my job (stop sniggering!). However there is an option to go see my friend little Kat and Martin in Denmark. Romeo Tony mentioned that during the summer the weather is very much like good old Blighty. Job done. Unfortunately the cost of alchohol is fairly high. Then the voice of a scammer whispered in my ear about how to make a little bit of cash while there. Why not buy some duty free and sell it to the Danish for a small profit? Superb! Then the cheeky side of me decided to make things interesting. Why not purchase a load of Danish brewed booze in Blighty and then sell it back to the Danish for a profit instead. Blindingly crafty idea! Although I suspect that the locals won't like the idea of being stitched up by a Brit.

Oh the Pain of It

Yet another night of much merriment. The usual crowd, the usual pint, the usual cigarette. What a life. Something tells me things are getting monotonous. It is always a pleasure to see them all. Romeo Tony in one corner with the wonderful Greek Godess together with the Lunatic from Leeds. Foxy and Pickle being their usual girly selves. Dodgy Dave looking as cool as ever with a phone that mysteriously rings when it actually doesn't (but a good excuse to leave), Lord Fleck doing his Dave Allen impression. He actually doesn't know it but he has an uncanny way that resembles the comedian and all the other fine people of my local drinking establishment.

As ever I spoke to my "How to Date a Woman" guru, Romeo Tony, last night about this long standing predicament that I have about a rather fit woman at the train station. It seems as though I have this inability to chat up a laydee first thing in the morning. Probably as a result of the previous nights hell raising. As ever the reliable font of knowledge in such matters, Romeo Tony indulged in parting with some of his tricks of the trade. The trouble is, I can't remember half of it. Damn. Note to ones self. Ask Tony about matters of women whilst able to stand properly.

One more thing. Last night as I sat with Pickle and Foxy, I noticed a rather fidgety, attractive woman sitting next to me. So I asked Pickle if she knew who she was (spotting my chance for some chatting up sparring). To which Pickle dared me to use the line the Joey uses from Friends "How you doin?". To which I did. So some conversation ensues and I realise that she doesn't live too far away from me. Whilst the conversation is evolving quite nicely I slip in the fact that her local drinking establishment is also my Dad's and I suggest meeting up for a drink sometime (but inadvertently invite her flat mate, unfortunately a bloke). So does getting her email address constitute a pull?

Sunday, November 05, 2006

Monsters of Old

As a child I had an obession with dinosaurs and mythical creatures such as dragons and the loch ness monster. I used to read and paint them to a point whereby my parents thought that the obession got rather unhealthy. That phase passed over time as other exciting things like women took over.

I was watching Swimming with Sea Monsters last night and I must admit that the programme ran for an amazing hour and a half. I actually felt quite immersed in amongst all those sea creatures, some frightening and some awe inspiring. It got me thinking later that night and this night about how perhaps mythology and prehistory creatures may actually be similar or the same. Many archiologists believe in the old asteroid killed the dinosaurs theory which is all well and good but many paintings such as St George and the dragon, or the depiction of slinky, massive sea monsters in etchings/drawing from sailor of old that resemble the scientific paintings/drawings. Is there any truth to these tales? Perhaps. There are two clear ways to think about why these creatures in mythological paintings came to be. The first being at the point in history that people painted these weird and wonderful creatures. Many things at the time could not have been explained. Dragon slaying was a popular past time back then. With so many accounts of such encounters it really does add some truth to the fact that some kinds of dinosaurs did survive but were at that stage were indeed on the verge of extinction and not some sixty five million years ago. Or the possible mistake of an oversized snake. Either way, as the monsters of the time were seen as a threat they were no doubt seen as something to kill. We shall never know for sure but I do suspect that there may have been a little more than an exaggeration.

Guy Fawkes and Bonfires

I won't bother with the history of the attempted blowing up of parliament all those hundreds of years ago. But its this time of year again, the 5th of November and yet another couple of days of smoky nights, bright lights and pops and bangs and whistles. I loved going to see the shows and even setting off a few in my parents backyard. My poor cats racing for cover under the bed. My morbid question of the day is, how many people will have been shot at tonight? Scary. The other thing that got me thinking was how in the media (again) they have raised the question of whether we should be celebrating guy fawkes night. Why on earth raise such a debate? For children it is a time for fun and enjoyment and for adults much the same. I sat here last night at one point wondering when it would end as the endless popping and banging was getting on my nerves. A sign of getting older? Then I changed my mind today. It is one of the few days in the year that the skies are lit with some of the most beautiful and spectular shows. The question may have been raise because not so long ago Hindus celebrated Diwali, The Festival of Light. A glorious celebration. It is the sound and vision representing many people having fun. So why make that sound like a bad thing?

Sunday Newspapers and Global warming.

Sunday newspapers are geared towards the majority of people who wish to pass a sunday by reading all day. Welll alright you can't really stretch a tabloid all day. Probably more like ten minutes. Another thing about newspapers is that supposedly one can tell a person's character by the kind of paper they read. Wrong. I don't really take life too seriously so my daily consumption of news is the old tabloid favorite "The Sun". Read by many a brick layer, scaffolder, get my drift. The same old stereo type of readers. How unfortunate. I find the many of the articles to be quite entertaining. Just what you need for any morning of the week day. It has to be said that I wonder what a stranger would think of that? Would they turn their nose up at me just for reading such "rubbish"? Perhaps. On the other hand I am rather partial to The Independant on Sunday and occasionally during the week. Why? It is probably because I have joined the growing band of people concerned with the environment. And the Independant focuses a portion of its news on such matters. Today's sunday edition however is going a little to far and like much of the media plays on the fears of people about current affairs of the world. The head lines read "Tsunami horror hits Britain". I caught the head line with a glance and thought "Have I missed something?" and "shouldn't I be at least eighteen of water under?". Further inspection concluded a little line underneath with the date "5 November 2060". That would make me 86. Reading further the article presented itself as a textual version of the film "The Day After Tomorrow". I'd rather slap on that kind of film than read the article. More so that I find this kind of scare mongering a little too much. Now don't get me wrong because I would like to regard myself as an environmentally conscious person and do as much as I can for recycling efforts, water, electricity and gas saving and walk a lot more often therefore avoiding the use of polluting vehicles. This kind of writing sensationalising much of the reality and gravity of the world we live in may have honest and sincere intentions but will it change the minds of the capitalist society we live in let alone the major contributors of the world to global warming? Not any time soon. There are suggestions that the efforts of reversing the effects are a little too late. If that is so then perhaps while still trying to rebalance what mother nature once gave us perhaps we should look to saving ours selves by looking to protect ourselves from the inevitable.

I cannot help but think that while nature is struggling counter against all the pollution we create, if we were to suddenly stop damaging the planet that nature would not be able to cope with such another dramatic shift and therefore over compensate for the change creating an equally if not more harmful world to live in.

I do fear for the generations after me and for what they may say about all of us in the year 2060. They may say that we were the ones who killed the planet and we did nothing to stop it. In fact it will be the planet that eventually kills us in the process of undoing all the harm that we have done to it by bringing back the balance of what the planet was hundreds or thousands of years ago. Ice ages and tropical periods of pre-history prove this. That however took millions of years over many cycles of heat and cold. A little like spring cleaning.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

The mysteries of attracting women.

The sudden irony of how much of pain in the arse advertisments by email about guides on how to attract women suddenly have a use in the world. I for one shudder at the though of reading advice from such sources. Probably because the source is American and you'd have to put on a mock accent to really make it apply to you. Not forgetting the hammy kind of enthusiasm you'd get from an american commerical (think of the Cillit Bang advert and you get my drift) and a recipe for total failure. Ah but have you tried it? you may ask. No. Have I read the literature, of course I have. Some of it before hurting myself for laughing so hard.

No I have a friend I shall call Romeo Tony. For obvious reasons I shall explain. Romeo Tony is one of those blokes who quite obviously knows the tricks of the trade when it comes to attracting the opposite sex. He is tall, dark in an italian kind of way and dashingly handsome. In fact I was witness once to Romeo Tony turning on the charm to such a level that I thought he was reciting something from one of those books. For a bloke to listen to another bloke chatting up a woman is the most hilarious thing ever. Especially if you know them rather well. So should I say know of their notoriety. But it worked. The lady in question on que flicked her hair, turned her body towards him and fluttered her eyes. Bingo. Oh and this all happened in the space of an evening and I dare say, a cheap one. For him.

So Romeo Tony's advice to me for the stag weekend amounted to something I cannot say as it stays in the brotherhood I'm afraid. Let me just say that it involves commitment and sacrifice. One of which not normally associated with Romeo Tony :-). He know what I'm talking about and the sacrifice helped me with the result I was looking for.

Thanks Romeo Tony.

Brighton Part III

Forgive me for the chunk sized pieces of the weekend's events. Its just the sheer scale of it all and excesses.

First up on a cold and hungover morning was a greet the rest of the chaps. Some of whom had already consumed a number of beverages of the alchoholic kind. A little nervous and apprehensive. I don't know why. And I think the only one apart from the best man not to have known the masons fraternity. We arrived at our destination quite some distance from Brighton to the sound of the pop and crack of shotguns being fired. I think at this point everyone shared a smile with each other at the prospect of some shooting and doing men like things.

I was asked if I had ever fired a gun to which I replied that I once belonged to a rifle club. Only for a year which I excluded from the conversation of course. The best man had also fired a handgun. Worrying as he once used to live in a notorious part of Manchester. Either that or he mean't a Nintendo handgun. Even more worrying. An finally one more chap who looked like he'd spent most of his life shooting things. He had belonged to a gun club and I suspected for much longer than I.

To the first discipline we walked. The first blow of the day was that the instructor had mentioned the gun had been setup for right handed shooters. As you can tell I am not. As might turn for the clay pigeon shooting came up I realised that this was either going to work or not for me. And true to form I missed all five of the discipline. Suffice to say the other discipline's faired better and at one point I managed four out of five.

Quad biking was more my thing I supposed as there was a lack of left/right handed bias. I was ready to go and true to form adopted all the style of Prost/Senna/Mansell etc as I approach the lines until a mann dropped out and the order in which we drove had to change. I should've mentioned that we weren't allowed to overtake. While the instructor told me to stay stationary my other two friends zoomed ahead. They were reprimanded for it but like I said the order had now changed so that I was effectively the rear gunner. No matter. I found that a better challenge as now I could really pretend race against my mates. Super at how I took the inside line powering out early to almost overtake and then easing off. Great fun.

Evening was also a fun affair of many pints of beer being drunk and some womanising on my part. But I will say that it was a more James Bond type affair rather than a drunken yobbish attempt at chatting up some woman. Indeed some of new found friends will tell you that I was rather smooth. I managed to keep the lady entertained for at least two hours before she left...but not before a polite smooch.

Sunday. Hangover. Breakfast. Beer. Sunday afternoon, more beer. Sunday evening even more beer. Sunday night, home and bed. Monday morning, got to work on time. Monday mid-late afternoon, had to go home.

Thank you Big Nut and all the other chaps for a most excellent weekend.