Le Football.

I'm sure my fellow blogger Bazza the Beef will raise an eyebrow or three to me for paying attention to tonights footy. What a blinder of a match (or two). Who'dve (where does that damn apostophe go by the way?) thought Celtic mashing Man United???!!!??!? A demonstration of sheer footballism. A cracking non stop game of football with none of the pansy play that you'd expect from Chelski. I thought Man U had it in the bag or it looked like it for the first half. The only disappointment was that I missed Celtic's goal as I had to have a moment of solitude in the bath. Didn't see the Arsenal game though. It probably wouldn't have amounted to much more than a limp wristed effort for a cheap win. Ouch!

What I like about people....

What I like about people.

Being ill has its advantages. Its having time to think. Time for reflection. I was taking account of all the people I can remember and what kind of influence they have had in my life both good and bad. Lets start with the baddest. The baddest showed the weakness in me. That person showed me how to respect myself, inadverently. So I thank her for that. All the other people in my life have helped me to become who I am. I think that the people who surround us define who we are as much as sometimes we would or would not like to. Ever had a shit relationship? It makes a difference on your outlook on life. Don't get me wrong though. It is in no way an excuse for when things go wrong that I can say "it was his/hers fault that I am the way I am". No not at all. I doubt very much if there can ever be a definition of ones self. Perhaps a description of ones habits and personality traits but that doesn't forever make them who they are. I've realised that in each person over time that that person changes. Some people can be unwilling to accept this possibility. But believe it or not, when you look back twenty or thirty years later, you will have changed. Human nature is to change and adapt. Its about how long it takes before it does happen.

So to the good influences on my life. My family of course........and,

my last partner was the best thing that happened to me. I thank her. Retrospectively I met her after the most god awful time in my life and she showed me what it is like to be with someone who loves you and doesn't expect anything in return; people who like you for whatever the way you are. I took liberties and in the end I realised that I wasn't good enough for her. The people that I know right now are fantastic. They bring normality and sanity and much happiness to me. I hope I do the same to them too. I suppose people spend far too much time in mainstream life to forget to reflect.

I wonder how many young people look at an elderly person and for once not think "there is that dithery old person again" and think what seventy, eighty or ninety years of experience has given them? Not many I suspect. I am fascinated by the very idea of what it might be like in that many years time. Well okay when I accumulate that many years of experience. Would I be able to teach a young whipper snapper a thing or two about life? Probably not. Could I give a toss? Probably not because I might just think that the young person I see before me will be living the life that they live in now just as I did back then.

2Darts signing off for tonight.

How to Solve the Problem of Racism

I was just cruising UTube for some funny clips to brighten up my day when I came across this. The most funniest thing I have heard for a long time. Has he been locked up yet?

Counter Racism


What a weirdo.

Top Gear vs Fifth Gear

My passion is motorsport. Admittedly an armchair fan. Formula 1, TOCA, GTR, basically any kind of motorsport with four wheels is a suitable alternative to porn.

Top Gear being my favorite show of all time in this context I am some what missing it. And for out respect to Richard Hammond who had that appalling accident almost a couple of months ago, I can wait. Its good to hear that he is on the road to recovery. It takes a lot of bottle to have done what he did and lets hope he is under no pressure to come back to TV anytime soon. Get well Hamster. So to the alternative. Fifth Gear. To be honest not a patch on Top Gear. The quality of the programming is sub standard. Perhaps its because they review standard everyday cars. The kind of things that you see everyday. Top Gear on the other hand gives the audience exposure to the sort of exotic material that many can only dream of. Not only that but a chance to see how these sports cars fare on the Top Gear test track against other equally exotic cars. The presenters are second to none. The banter, the arguments and the blokey atmosphere that makes for your typical blokey conversation one would have in a pub....but without being sexist. Cars are for blokes and birds. I mean men and women and just because the presenters are all men, I don't think that women feel excluded from the entertainment offered. You only have to look at the audience to realise that despite some of the women are only there for there man, many of them do have a genuine interest in cars. With Fifth Gear, I can only think that they try too hard to appeal to both genders. To summarise, Fifth Gear is nothing but a poor imitation. Bring back Top Gear!!!! (only when the Hamster is well enough though).

Old Wives Tales

....rolling on from the cheese theory mentioned earlier I thought I'd continue with some more old wives tales.

• Looking too closely at the TV will make your eyes go square. Clearly Bazza Beef completely ignored that one.
• Having sex standing up is a form of contraception. I wonder if Mary and Joseph tried that one; hence the emaculate conception. (Does this mean those christian God botherers will burn effergies of me now? I've always wanted to be an effergy.) Actually, come to think of it. I wonder if Romeo Tony believed this one....
• Stepping on a rusty nail causes tetnus. In this particular case it is true. Although my mate Dave might be inclind to see it more of a waste of a drink. One part scotch and one part drambuie. Pour the scotch before the drambuie.
• Masturbation makes you go blind. One for the blokes I believe. Or causes hairs to grow on the palms of your hands. I mean honestly. Just how big is the average penis? I can think of a few chaps at the local drinking establishment that could do with a Gillette razor.
• My all time favourite this one: Chewing gum if swallowed, stays in your stomach for seven years. To think up until now I actually believed in it. Thanks Mum. This might also explain why the streets are littered with all that sticky crap.
• A pimple on your tongue means you have lied. Absolute complete and utter bollocks. A pimple on your tongue means you've just contracted a sexual disease from some god awful tart.
• Don't cross your eyes; they might stay that way. It is conceivable that the ocular muscles may become cramped or strained while crossing the eyes, but the probability is very low. Oh my god. To think, that used to be my party piece too.
• Eating apples and cherries makes your penis grow bigger. Nope. Watching porn has the same effect as does playing with ones self.

The Cheese Theory

Cheese Theory. Most people have probably heard of this one.

"If you eat cheese before bed time, you'lll have nightmares."

Nightmares for one are really only for kids. Most adults rarely experience night time terrors.....unless they've taken about five tabs of acid and a field of mushrooms. So with a small glass of vino to aid digestion I ingested a largish portion of strong matured cheddar at about midnight. And promptly dozed off. I woke up this morning after some of the weirdest dreams I have had in quiet sometime.

I did some research on the net to find out if any other persons had wrote in with similar feedback and curiously some did. So I looked for an explanation and this time around it varied from the break down of proteins to lactose intolerance to a lengthy digestive process. It kind of takes the fun out of it all when you read something that seems to be scientifically explained.

I actually think that scientists too have already discovered the meaning of life and its just that they don't want to upset all those religious lunatics around the world. Can you imagine just how many people would be willing to stick their head in the sand and pretend not to believe it. Imagine if it came down to a simple mathematical equation. I mean if they can explain why toast always falls buttered side down (check here for proof) then surely God should be a doddle!

Damn Cold

Two things that make having a cold worse. Having a cold and having a cold on a miserable overcast day. What I need is a stinkly hot curry. Or alternatively some wickedly hot jerk chicken, for breakfast.

A Little Gem

Oh the memories of smoking some of the wacky backy seem like decades ago and indeed everything relating to it is a distant memory. I found a little gem of a Cheech and Chong movie just the other day; "Things are Tough All Over". There is a classic line right at the beginning of the film were Chong says to Cheech as they are driving along. "I haven't done drugs for a week man. I feel so good I wanna get high!". Brilliant. Another line: "It ain't drugs that kill you, its looking for them. It can keep you up all night. I remember once, I was up for three days looking for some toot or somethin......". I can go on.....Hilarious stuff.

What is wrong with the World?

I think I must be having a moment like that chap from "Day of the Triffids" or to put a more modern perspective on it, "28 Days Later". Did I wake up one morning and did the world change around me over night? (perhaps the film "Dark City"). The lady mentioned in the last blog has gone a little too over the top for me. I have to be careful what I say though as it might be that she's just excited about things. My friend Pickle has gone from being a Stepford wife to being on the verge of single and was certainly starting to show it on Friday night. Yesterday morning, I caught the flu (or very bad cold) and that just put me in a foul mood. My sister is coming to visit next weekend. Which is a nice thing but I can't even remember the last time I saw her. Unusually I stayed up until after one in the morning despite my illness watching a blood and guts film and to top it off, some tosser of a young man who I thought just outside the flat with his mate turned out to be someone talking very, very loudly to his mate who was talking to him on his mobile phone!!! At 1.30 in the morning!! To top things off, yes, I have a cold/flu just as I start two weeks of annual leave! What an absolute bummer! I thought with all this bizarreness going on I'd check out the BBC news website to see if something dramatic had happened during my sleeping hours and nope. Not a sausage.

One word of advice. If you are not religious, and not tolerant of bell ringing first thing on a Sunday morning then don't buy a house next to a church. Oh the bells! the bells!

So anything positive to say about anything. I'm attempting another feat of endurance. No smoking or drinking for the next two weeks. This is not a consequence of being ill. This is more a test of character. Wish me luck.

Things are looking up

A couple of weeks ago I went on an awesome stag do. I caught up with my mate who's stag do it was last night together with my mate who happens to be his fiance. It was especially a good night as I didn't have a great deal to drink either. Being sensible has its benefits. I had good reason to leave early as a few days ago I was contacted by a wonderful woman that I'd met on the stag night. It sounds a little corny but it was at a club in Brighton. I applied Romeo Tony's sacrifice technique and it worked. Actually is wasn't an application of technique more like a situation I took advantage of. One of my friends who was well into the land of boozdom had been chatting to a couple of women (her friends) and I noticed her standing there alone. A real pretty picture of a woman. I couldn't just stand there wondering if there might be a chance to strike up a conversation, so armed with several beers worth of courage I approached. To summarise, after two hours of talking and an exchange of numbers I hoped to meet her again. Lets put it this way, a date is set for dinner in a couple of weeks time. Wish me luck.....

Ray Winstone

There are some fine things that come out of good old Blighty. Stilton Cheese, roast beef, and Ray Winstone. Stereo typed as the loveable brit gangster. To be honest,for which I don't blame him for being a little tired as always being typecasted into such roles. He has a wonderful natural ability that no other brit actor can consistently do successfully. He tried his hand at one of King Arthurs men, a role as King Henry the Eighth but his latest endevour as an irish american in "The Departed" is clearly a misguided departure from everything he has done so far. The man just can't do accents. I mean we had all put up with Sean Connery with his dodgy russian accent in "The Hunt for Red October" by virtue of having such longevity and success in films. Ray Winstone, clearly the national hero in Britain doesn't quite yet have the international recognition that deserves such forgiveness. I have to conceed that this is one attempt at an accent that would have been worthy of a dub or just simply left alone. Alright son?

Speaking of other cool brit actors, I think we need to see more of Sean Pertwee. Another cool actor with loads of potential. One film that springs to mind which I enjoy watching is "Love, Honour and Obey" in which both great actors star in. And for me personally I love the tongue in cheek story line of an old London rivalry between North London and South London gangs. Lots of fun. Superb!

You know that question, "Which famous celebrity would you most like to go out on the town with?". Ray Winstone would probably be the kind of bloke I'd like to be on a pub crawl with. Top Geezer!!

Film Sequels and Porn.

I'm a fan of the X-Men movies. So with great regret I never quite managed to see the third installment at the cinema. I wait in eager anticipation for the DVD release. However as I watch X-Men 2 or X2 on the small screen (why I don't simply watch my DVD copy instead of labouring through the TV commercials I don't know) I wonder whether or not X3 should get an Adult Classification........Geddit? X3? XXX? Porn movie? Nope? Oh dear. Come to think of it, that crap movie with Vin Diesel in it XXX or triple X or even X3 for short would've been the more obvious choice. I wonder how many people rented or bought it thinking it was a porn movie.....

Trend Analysis and all that Bollocks

The more astute amongst you may have realised that the number of blog entries coincides with whether or not I have been down my local drinkning establishment. Or perhaps maybe that never snippet of self observation never crossed your mind....for which I thank you.

A joke from my old man.

2 Darts Senior has a great sense of humour and just to show where I get my shining sense of humour from too....

> An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world.
> > So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to China.
> > On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read "$10,000 per call".
> > The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.
> > The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God.
> > The American thanked the priest and went along his way.
> > Next stop was in Japan. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it.
> > He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in China and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.
> > She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God.
> > "O.K., thank you," said the American.
> > He then travelled to Pakistan, Sri lanka, Russia, Germany and France.
> > In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same "$10,000 per call" sign under it. The American, upon leaving Vermont decided to travel to India to see if Indians had the same phone.
> > He arrived in India, and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read "One Rupee per call."
> > The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. "Father, I've travelled all over World and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but everywhere the price was $10,000 per call.
> > Why is it so cheap here?"
> > The priest smiled and answered, "You're in India now, son - it's a local call".

BRILLIANT!!!!

Romeo Tony's not the only one.

So you understand something about Romeo Tony. A gentleman and an interesting geezer,, and a smooth charmer. Assuming the phrase that there is always an opposite to a thing there is another that I should mention that is inverse to the chap mentioned above.

I am in a state of confusion as to what I shall call this character. He too is a top bloke but clearly of a totally different discipline to Romeo Tony. I have to be careful what I call him as this chap is the biggest f**king geezer I know. A little taller than me, perhaps six foot three. And almost as wide. A mountain of a man. I will say that he is a walking definition of bling and just in case you didn't understand before, a top bloke. But a horny as hell f**ker. And my old boss. At work, an out and out professional but the moment, and I do mean moment (milliseconds, picoseconds. You understand what I mean.) he steps out of the office then the only topic of conversation that is ever uttered from his mouth is about shagging. Shagging, shagging and more shagging. Morning, noon and night. Doesn't he ever get bored of it all? No idea. The most comical thing about the expression on his face is that it is a look of a predator combined with the finesse of Leslie Phillips (of Carry on Doctor fame), oh and a little bit of Barry White. As I said in my previous blog, watching a bloke chatting up a woman has so much comedy value for his mate. I wonder if I look like that. Or could it be that I very, very rarely attempt such a thing in the line of sight of mates. I shall call him Barry Phillips.

Opening Lines

I have to say this as it still has me in stitches. And the more I think about it the funnier it gets. My "How to Date A Woman" guru earlier this afternoon added further suggestions to the fit woman at the train station problem. Let me explain from the beginning.

The conversation started with my mate Dave, Romeo Tony and I talking about a certain Lord with an appetite for young attractive women. My mate Dave as an acute aversion to Lordy Lord much to my amusement although he has a point. There are some classic examples of why men generally are seen as an obstacle to Lordy Lord as they get in the way of the attractive women that they are talking to. I myself have had first hand at being side lined while said Lord somehow wafts his O'dr I'm Rich and I'm Important at my friends Pickle and Foxy. I'm not particularly bothered by it except that it is a little rude that somehow it doesn't really matter that Dave or I am talking to them at the time. There clearly must be something far more important that has to be said to these two fine looking women that can't wait until we have finished talking. My mate Dave has by this time made a bee-line some hundred yards away to the bar (the distance is an exaggeration but you get my point) leaving me wondering what on earth I'm doing sitting there like a plumb. For a while my mate Dave and I thought we must be the only ones subjected to this form of friendship. Until that is Romeo Tony piped up and made mention of the randy old Lords bottom slappping exploits. I personally find the whole show hilarious. I imagine a cartoon character of a figure of said Lord in the style of a Carry on Movie. Really funny. I digress.

So I asked the question to Romeo Tony about why women are attracted to rather ungainly looking blokes. As always the wisdom of Romeo is unfaltering as ever as he mentions two key things. Money and power. Is it really true that with those traits associated with ones being that a man can have any woman he likes? Are those qualities so seductive to women that no longer sensitivity, a sense of humour and a big c**k the only things a man needs as tools of the trade to attract a woman? Surely not! To add credibility to Romeo Tony's theory (or fact) you only have to look at some examples. John Major and Edwina Currie, John Prescott and some Secretary, Hitler and Eva Braun, erm Punch and Judy...perhaps not the last one, Sooty and the Panda lady, Rod, Jane and Freddie (menage a trois). Okay I'll stop.

So applying that wisdom to my predicament a suggestion was made to me. Why not print some business cards out with the title Lord or MP to my name and approach lady at the train station in that way. For a split second I thought it might work. Then the reality and practicality of it set in. Looking at the example of the Lord in question I realised that I would have to eat a copious amount of expensive food, drink a gallon of port a day for that authentic red wino's nose and wear a really bad pin stripe suit. Impossible. Nice one Romeo Tony but I'm afraid not. If it were indeed successful I certainly would not like to earn that kind of reputation that my mate Dave so well describes. As a traditionalist I think I shall depend on the traditional qualities that I mentioned earlier. And for all you laydees out there, yes I really do have a big .......... :-)

Selling Ice to Eskimos..or something like that.

Again I was privileged to be in the company of Romeo Tony. However considering the alchohol fuelled festival of fun that was last night I didn't expect to see him for a while. I wondered with fascination and much amusement at some of Romeo Tony's heroic tales of womanising until a break in the conversation lead to a different kind of talk. Holidays. I haven't been anywhere for quite some time as I am ever the dedicated professional to my job (stop sniggering!). However there is an option to go see my friend little Kat and Martin in Denmark. Romeo Tony mentioned that during the summer the weather is very much like good old Blighty. Job done. Unfortunately the cost of alchohol is fairly high. Then the voice of a scammer whispered in my ear about how to make a little bit of cash while there. Why not buy some duty free and sell it to the Danish for a small profit? Superb! Then the cheeky side of me decided to make things interesting. Why not purchase a load of Danish brewed booze in Blighty and then sell it back to the Danish for a profit instead. Blindingly crafty idea! Although I suspect that the locals won't like the idea of being stitched up by a Brit.

Oh the Pain of It

Yet another night of much merriment. The usual crowd, the usual pint, the usual cigarette. What a life. Something tells me things are getting monotonous. It is always a pleasure to see them all. Romeo Tony in one corner with the wonderful Greek Godess together with the Lunatic from Leeds. Foxy and Pickle being their usual girly selves. Dodgy Dave looking as cool as ever with a phone that mysteriously rings when it actually doesn't (but a good excuse to leave), Lord Fleck doing his Dave Allen impression. He actually doesn't know it but he has an uncanny way that resembles the comedian and all the other fine people of my local drinking establishment.

As ever I spoke to my "How to Date a Woman" guru, Romeo Tony, last night about this long standing predicament that I have about a rather fit woman at the train station. It seems as though I have this inability to chat up a laydee first thing in the morning. Probably as a result of the previous nights hell raising. As ever the reliable font of knowledge in such matters, Romeo Tony indulged in parting with some of his tricks of the trade. The trouble is, I can't remember half of it. Damn. Note to ones self. Ask Tony about matters of women whilst able to stand properly.

One more thing. Last night as I sat with Pickle and Foxy, I noticed a rather fidgety, attractive woman sitting next to me. So I asked Pickle if she knew who she was (spotting my chance for some chatting up sparring). To which Pickle dared me to use the line the Joey uses from Friends "How you doin?". To which I did. So some conversation ensues and I realise that she doesn't live too far away from me. Whilst the conversation is evolving quite nicely I slip in the fact that her local drinking establishment is also my Dad's and I suggest meeting up for a drink sometime (but inadvertently invite her flat mate, unfortunately a bloke). So does getting her email address constitute a pull?

Monsters of Old

As a child I had an obession with dinosaurs and mythical creatures such as dragons and the loch ness monster. I used to read and paint them to a point whereby my parents thought that the obession got rather unhealthy. That phase passed over time as other exciting things like women took over.

I was watching Swimming with Sea Monsters last night and I must admit that the programme ran for an amazing hour and a half. I actually felt quite immersed in amongst all those sea creatures, some frightening and some awe inspiring. It got me thinking later that night and this night about how perhaps mythology and prehistory creatures may actually be similar or the same. Many archiologists believe in the old asteroid killed the dinosaurs theory which is all well and good but many paintings such as St George and the dragon, or the depiction of slinky, massive sea monsters in etchings/drawing from sailor of old that resemble the scientific paintings/drawings. Is there any truth to these tales? Perhaps. There are two clear ways to think about why these creatures in mythological paintings came to be. The first being at the point in history that people painted these weird and wonderful creatures. Many things at the time could not have been explained. Dragon slaying was a popular past time back then. With so many accounts of such encounters it really does add some truth to the fact that some kinds of dinosaurs did survive but were at that stage were indeed on the verge of extinction and not some sixty five million years ago. Or the possible mistake of an oversized snake. Either way, as the monsters of the time were seen as a threat they were no doubt seen as something to kill. We shall never know for sure but I do suspect that there may have been a little more than an exaggeration.

Guy Fawkes and Bonfires

I won't bother with the history of the attempted blowing up of parliament all those hundreds of years ago. But its this time of year again, the 5th of November and yet another couple of days of smoky nights, bright lights and pops and bangs and whistles. I loved going to see the shows and even setting off a few in my parents backyard. My poor cats racing for cover under the bed. My morbid question of the day is, how many people will have been shot at tonight? Scary. The other thing that got me thinking was how in the media (again) they have raised the question of whether we should be celebrating guy fawkes night. Why on earth raise such a debate? For children it is a time for fun and enjoyment and for adults much the same. I sat here last night at one point wondering when it would end as the endless popping and banging was getting on my nerves. A sign of getting older? Then I changed my mind today. It is one of the few days in the year that the skies are lit with some of the most beautiful and spectular shows. The question may have been raise because not so long ago Hindus celebrated Diwali, The Festival of Light. A glorious celebration. It is the sound and vision representing many people having fun. So why make that sound like a bad thing?