Beautiful Women

It was a real shame to hear of a friend of mine who had recently split up with his girlfriend. I have some sympathy for him as I myself called it a day with my lady sometime ago for entirely honourable reasons too. Single life has been kind to me, so I can convey with some confidence to my young batchelor of a mate, things will look up. Trust me. If last night was anything to go by then yes, yes, yes!

One of the perils of singledom however is that there are ladies (and I apologise to those with genuine intent and a kind heart) who can sniff out a single man from a mile away. And play them. This is not a note of bitterness. On the contrary. An observation. From experience, the moment I put my "I'm available" sign up, I had a couple of friends who overnight became from nice mate, to flirty mate. Nice try girls. Its what some people call "the Game". My friend Pickle educated me about the rules of "The Game". Intriguing as it may be and indeed Pickle is quite experienced in that field, I find myself a little too old to play "The Game". No. Not too old. I just get bored very quickly. I think most blokes of my age do. Yes, I did ask like minded fellows. Its all the more sad watching ladies play "The Game". Perhaps in my yoof, I would have said differently but life is too short to piss around.

Last night in the local watering hole was not where I intended to be. Fresh out of snotville (bad cold) looking particularly dishevelled, I had no intention of "going out on the pull". Yet the powers that be said otherwise and so I was fighting them off at the gates. No. I lie. Not quite. But success was for the taking. Alas, twas a school night.

There was a lady who Recess Monkey introduced me to a while ago, a Persian princess no less. A lady with mystical talents for catching the eye of almost all the men (and some women) in the room last night. Yet somehow I couldn't help but think (and with the utmost respect) that this seemed a common occurance to the lady. I must admit, I am no picture myself but when everyone knows that he/she knows that he/she is attracting attention, it somehow seems off putting. A drunken survey confirmed that. Blokes aren't into women who think they are all that. A few mates and I stumbled into a bar full of city folk where the guys waved the readies and the girls the boobs. The girls didn't find the merchant bankers particularly attractive (probably due to the fact they were shit faced on coke and too much money) and the boys didn't find the ladies attractive due to their taste in tacky dresses and cheap champagne. I thought the days of meat markets were over. Clearly not. Indeed, our relatively working class attitude seemed more attractive than ever and some success was achieved. Then it occurred to me, this really is about attitude. One mans tart is another mans princess. Or vice versa.

To my recently made single friend. Just a word. Enjoy singledom, but be wary of players. My knee jerk reaction to becoming single was as obvious as day. Get laid, get laid, and get laid some more. Yeah cool, just make sure its with someone you can look in the eye the next day. And I know it sounds a little sappy, but there is nothing less satisfying than jumping into the sack just fresh out of a relationship. It doesn't take you anywhere. A five knuckle shuffle is cheaper, more satisfying, and less guilt ridden.

Note to the Persian beauty: The lads and I all agree that you really are.........

Pubs

Whilst on the road to recovery from a particularly nasty cold I pondered the meaning of "The Local". This is in reference to ones local drinking establishment. The pub. In my case, quite reluctantly is the Sports and Social. For many years it has courted controversy, you know the kind I mean, sex, drugs and rock and roll. Heavy boozing until the early hours once upon a time was common. Besides all of that, not a bad place to drink. Not great for the singletons amongst us until Thursday/Friday night where some of parliament's finest female researchers and pals congregate in what most describe as an old man's pub. In fact for most of the week it is very much that. An old mans pub.





This got me thinking. What constitutes a local pub. What are the ingredients to make a pub a local. So recalling some of the conversations I've had over the past few years with everyone from my Dad to friends who have established themselves in certain pubs for a number of years I came up with a list of what makes a local, a local.

• Dimly lit atmosphere


• Smoke hovering permanently at approximately five feet above the ground


• Juke box with the most modern music around the late eighties


• A knarly old bloke with no teeth who is already in the pub before opening time


• Ornaments on the walls of things that nobody can squarely identify but look old


• Worn out carpet usually a patterned red, but can't really make out as it is too dirty


• Mens toilet on the ground floor and womens toilet upstairs


• Pub food


• Foreign student working behind the bar hardened by regular abuse from the mid afternoon drunkard


• The mid afternoon drunkard


• Ales served that you've never heard of before and nor have the regulars


• Toilet door that doesn't lock properly


• Worn out darts board


• Bunch of mates you only ever see in the pub
• Musty, damp smell of cigarettes and spilt beer

These are some of the things that make a local pub. Perhaps what I've listed desccribes a fantasy local pub. No actually a stereo-typical local pub.

Is there such a bad thing as a local pub when some of the more modern outfits seem more like hospital wards or hotel foyers? Don't know. All I know, is if you feel welcomed, happy to spend a night in one place without getting hassled, get pissed that night and no-one bats an eye lid the next morning about your shameful antics the night before, then its good enough for me. Rock and Roll!!

Bears

In our relative time of peace. Yes one could argue that we are not. World wide terrorism is not a new thing. Its always been here. So I was curious to hear about two old allies arguing with each other about the corpse of a bear shot in Bavaria. The Italians claim that it is their corpse of a bear and demand it back from the Germans immediately. The Germans say the corpse belongs to them. Here's the little fact that got me interested. For the first time in one hundred and seventy years, a brown bear had been spotted in Germany. And what of the reaction? Shoot the bastard because its killed a few sheep, some rabbits and a guinea pig! The Alaskans and Canadians have a much better solution if a Polar bear or a Kodiak bear runs rampage. Tranquilise the poor thing and helicopter it to some remote region away from humans. So one hundred and seventy years and finally this poor bear, probably on his holidays to Germany from Italy feels a little peckish. Perhaps one too many a sheep goulash and bang. Off to bear heaven he goes.

Why on earth would anyone want a bear corpse anyway eh?

Oh. The germans apparently want to stuff the animal for display as evidence that wild bears do exist in the forests of Bavaria. How clever.

Incidentally to make matters worse. They've tried to humanise the poor creature by calling him Bruno.

Iranian Captives

Oh dear. The recent news of British Navy sailors and marines being held in Iran does seem a little coincidental to some of the posturing that is happening about Iran's nuclear capabilities. The bush administration for one can't think of a good enough excuse to bomb targets in Iran so what to the British and American govenments decide to do? Send in some people into Iranian waters to be conviniently captured. Then numerous "attempts" are made to free the hostages before a full scale attack occurs. Stick and carrot spring to mind.

Tony Blair has recently announced that if diplomatic manovures fail to secure the release of the navy personnel that events would "enter a new phase". A blatant threat of military force if ever I heard of one. Some how, I doubt very much that our forces have the strength in numbers to do anything about it. Time to call George Junior for a favour. Is this the perfect excuse for a full scale military attack? Possibly.

If I sound pro-Iranian, I am not. I do see the cynical ploy behind this though. You only have to look at the last example for the justification for war to know where I am coming from.

Maybe it will never happen....I hope.

Life on the Edge

An interesting term that. One more commonly used for rock stars, stunt (wo)men, and people who jump off buildings with parachutes. Base jumpers.

Lets look a lttle closer to home though. There are people who are expert at what they do for a living. The ability probably comes naturally to them to a point where its second nature to them. This tends to breed complacency. Which breeds the desire to to something stimulating. I know a great many intelligent people who spend there time after work seeking there thrills in one way or another. Take one example. Getting hammered every night and waking up the next morning with an almighty hangover and still doing there job as expertly as though they were sober. Then there are the people that hoover up huge quantities of Columbian marching powder and do exactly the same. People who have sex with different people every night. There are other people that play sports or read or do group activties. For the majority of people I know it just doesn't quite cut it though. What is stimulation? What is thrill seeking? The science bit makes these things explainable but I for one do not wish to approach this subject from that angle. It takes all the fun out of it.

Does anyone remember the buzz out of getting drunk or high for the first time? Yes most probably it felt nauseous. After which it gets better and better and better. People who relax by taking drugs or drinking are regular normal individuals that get a thrill in a different way to other folk who prefer to watch TV or read a book. What I'm particularly fascinated by is why some people push the boundaries of getting high to an extent that it becomes dangerous. Is it about seeking ones limitation? I think its a little more simpler than that. Whether its doing drugs or drinking lots it really points to something else. Hands up who enjoys their job? A few people here and there. I raise my hand as I have a fulfilling job. Who thinks a job is an obligation? The majority of people will raise their hands to that. The trouble with working is that the majority of peoples lives are spent in a constrained environment without much ability to express ones self. Some people do feel shackled. How many people can't wait for the end of Friday to go out and have some fun? Again loads of people. Why? Because people see it as a reward and go out and get hammered to the point that the precious weekend that they had is spent recovering from Friday. What if those rewards are given during the working day and so there is less of a need to get mashed at the end of the day? Am I suggesting that people take a quick line here and there? Or a few pints every couple of hours? No. Rewards come in different forms. Its really up to people to find them out. That in itself could be reward enough.

Why do I mention all this? I work for an organisation where the drinking culture is massive. The majority of people I know drink at my local drinking establishment day in and day out. All social activities centre around one place. There is no such thing as a lunch time drink. Its a "anytime you like" drink. People have been reprimanded for drinking all day before but it never changes the habit. Personally I think it is a shame this happens. Does anyone do anything about it? No.

Going for a drink doesn't have that same sense of occassion in that place anymore. Celebrating a birthday or something like that would have made no difference. Except that those people who normally don't buy rounds would.

I used to have a friend of mine who used to go mad on E' s and coke every Friday night. Working out a quick calcuation that amounted to about one hundred and fifty quid for a night, well a night and day. That's a lot of drugs. I have no problem with the kind of drugs that were taken, it was the quantity. That was too much. Interestingly though this person now lives a relatively Buddhist life. Healthy eating, no smoking, drinking once a month, goes cycling out in the country etc. What fascinates me is what was that trigger that made them stop such a life style and replace it with one apparently less stimulating? I'll have to ask that question one day.

I know of a person who is retiring soon and I must admit it got me thinking. What will I do if I get to that age? Spend my days in the local boozer from dawn till dusk? Or will I use my time wisely? More importantly, do I have to wait that long to make that decision? I do wonder sometimes how much people of my age/generation spend on things that only give us a quick fix and a hangover.

Seeking thrills for an otherwise unstimulating life.....

Formula One Season

Whay Hey! Formula One season is off again. It seems too long since the last one. What a thrilling finish to last season. This one seems to be even better. New teams, or should I say new team names, one tire manufacturer, new drivers and drivers in different teams. With the departure of Michael Shumacher there is now a belief that all those who thought Bernie Eccelstone and Max Mosley were race fixing can now see if that still is the case. Bernies interview on the grid just before the start would always end in the final question, "who do you think is going to win?", to which he answers and ninety percent of the time comes true.

My fantasy driver/team package would probably be McLaren, Jenson Button and Lewis Hamilton.

Kimi Raikkonen at Ferrari are likely to have the upper hand at the start of the season but if other teams such as McLaren develop at a faster rate as the season progresses, I think there will be a frenzied finish to the season with the winners being......

My prediction for the outcome this season? McLaren for the constructors and Alonso for the drivers title. Kimi Raikkonen in second with Hamilton third. Massa fourth. The rest are going to be difficult to predict as both BMW and Williams have started off very well and may upset a few usually predictable results mid season.

Honda and Jenson Button and all the hoo hah that surrounded his decision to terminate his contract with Williams has blown up in his face for two reasons. One, he effectively rubbished Williams by saying that Honda would take him to world champion status and that he believed it so much that he paid Williams twenty million plus pounds to severe his contract. Two, Honda are not delivering and will not do. This season I think will be yet another disappointing one for Honda and Jenson will still need to fulfill the remaining three years of his contract. After that he will be thirty years old, people will still remember him for shitting on William, who incidentally will probably have won more races if not a championship by then. He'll end living his F1 career in Spyker or Torro Rosso. Put Jenson into a McLaren now or even a Ferrari and we would see what he can do. A final nail for Honda is there sister team Super Aguri had the edge on Honda in Adelaide and finished much better off than Honda due to retaining last years chassis and this years engine. Oh dear.

Poor David Coultard.Poor Red Bull. Being hugely out qualified my his team mate Mark Webber was a tad embarrassing. Give the man a job commentating. Out of all the drivers he can talk the talk.I used to be a big fan of old square jaws and rejoiced in his numerous wins of old (his McLaren days). Now its time to hang up his helmet and place himself in the commentators seat. I for one would find his conversation whilst viewing the race most interesting.

If I really wanted to push the boat out for who this years winner is going to be, then it would be nice to see Kimi do it.

Special DVD deals

Being ill has its advantages. That DVD I bought a while ago on a whim now beckons me. Its funny how stupid people can be some times at DVD sales. Buy five for twenty quid. You get my drift. After much browsing you have selected four. You need five though otherwise the deal doesn't work and you have to pay for all four as individually priced. Which would amount to about seventy quid. This certainly has been the case for me and I've always opted for something I have never ever contemplated watching but I have chosen because Empire magazine rate's with four stars out of five.

For months this DVD sits on the shelf and if it had a voice would constantly be shouting "why the f*ck did you buy me?", "Watch me! watch me pleeeaaaaaseee!".

The only trouble I have now is which one out of five "dust gathering" DVD's should I watch?

The BBC production of Rome beckons me....

Spartans and the Persians

I watched "300" the other day. About the 300 Spartan soldiers that held off a load of Persians. In a nutshell.

Okay. The leader of the Spartan posse was none too happy about an offer from the Persian crue to take over there land, resources and bitches and hoe's. So returned a polite message by way of killing the messenger. The Spartan dope smokers (priests) decided it would be unwise to defend or attack the persian army. Leonidas the boss had to heed this instruction and decided to go out for a pleasent country walk instead with his 300 personal body guards and perhaps meet a few hundred more mates along the way for a stroll to the beach. Much fighting thereafter ensues when the Persian lot didn't want to play beachh volley ball. The end I'll save for you to find out for yourselves.

The effects are spectacular. The acting, mmmmmm, good but not great. Blood content? Even Dracula couldn't drink that much. Decapitation and limb swapping, hardcore!

Go watch it if any of those things don't bother you too much. If they turn you on however then can I recommmend you see some who'll lock you up for a while.

On a final note. As I surfed the web, I noticed that many Iranian's were up in arms (not literally, now that would be stereo-typing) about the representation of the Persian army in the film. Funny how I didn't see greeks complaining about when "Alexander" with Colin Farrell acting as the man himself enjoying a bit of man loving, or the countless number of films about World War one and two the Germans night might been little upset about?

The BBC are planning a blockbuster movie about Maggie Thatcher and the run up to the Falklands war. I can't wait to see the reaction to that. Helen Mirren for the leading lady again? Or perhaps the puppet out of spitting image for the role.

Cold callers

Yesterday I celebrated popping into this world thirty three years ago to an almighty cold. A head full of snot and an insistent need to reduce the rainforest by a third due to the amount of tissues I am going through at the moment. I wake today feeling worse than before. Whilst making some green tea (what? 2Darts getting healthy?) the phone rings. Now normally I wouldn't answer the phone if I am at home during the day. But high on lemsip and sudafed capsules I pick it up. There is this phenomenon recently where companies use overseas cold call centres. This is easily identified by a pause before the person calling says something. Immediately I put the phone down. Seconds later the phone rings again. This time I thought it might be important. Alas not. Some dip shit calling from f*ck knows where wants to sell me something to do with finance. Immediately I reply that I am quite unwell and in no mood to speak to anyone.........

"I understand Mr 2Darts but this finan.." (Click). I put the phone down. What is wrong with these people ?

Predicting the Future

I have been known not to suffer fools gladly. So on a random web surfing excursion, well not entirely true, while researching fit sporting journalists (Emma Parker-Bowles) I came across some twat's interpretation of Nostradamus.

www.newprophecy.net

I for one don't think there is such a thing as predicting the future. Educated guesses; a more likely effort at seeing the future. No seriously, predicting the future has always been a fascinating subject. Some of the most famous people in the world have believed in seeing the future or seeking guidance from such prophets. Genghis Khan, Adolf Hitler, Boadica, Queen Victoria........King Arthur. What? you're thinking that Arthur was a made up character aren't you? That point I'll argue another time but for now, all I have to say is, Merlin. Snow White's wicked witch. Hang on a minute, most of the listed also happen to be murderous dictators too!

Seeing the future is very much a mystical ability and science aims to turn this into something tangible. Science is already trying to disprove the existence of God. I for one couldn't care less. The idea of a higher being to me is meaningless as I've always believed that God is within you. You can be your own best friend or your worst enemy. God and religion are a way to shrug off responsibility for ones own actions. Why do people pray to god and ask for help in the worst moments of time? I'm not going to travel down this road for this particular article as I don't wish to come across as being argumentative. Everyone is entitled to their beliefs. I shall continue this at a later date minus the hangover.

Science, mathematic, the universal language can eventually prove that predicting the future is possible spoiling the magical idea of "seeing the future".

...for fear of talking just a load of bollocks, I shall stop for now and continue later.....

With Friends like these.....

The BBC is my portal to the news of the world. No, not the tacky tabloid but literally, my source for worldly news. So with that I came across a most amusing article. Well one line of it was rather amusing. Through the fog of night before this morning I read about the unfortunate tale of the kidnapped monkey. Not Recess Monkey for he is alive and well and involving himself in quiz night.

Here is the bit I found amusing.

"A rare squirrel monkey was stolen from his cage by a group of friends visiting Chessington World of Adventures."

Whose friends? The monkey's friends? Or was it the Koala gang on a hit gone wrong? Perhaps the monkey hadn't paid his gambling debt so someone sent the boy's around for a lesson...

Lifts, ladies and booze

Lifts in the building that I work in are rubbish. Since the absence of distinguished VIP's in the building, the whole place has been maintained by bits of string and glue. Every week, there are problems with the lifts. They either don't work, go to the wrong floor, or don't arrive when you press the buttton to go up or down. Normally this is highly irritating. This time around however, it worked a treat. A very attractive Business Relationship Manager happened to be waiting for the lift yesterday afternoon. Small talk ensued. As we entered the lift I exclaimed how poor these lifts were (what a charmer eh!) and how they were prone to breaking down, as she press the button for the ground floor. The doors shut and a short way down the lift stopped working! Miracle. Opportunity fell upon me. A moment to flirt, and perhaps to cheekily ask her out on a date amounted to me jumping up and down to somehow get the lift going again. Oh dear.

The team pub crawl got under way late afternoon. Starting with a merry band of five, which culminated in half of the department cramming themselves into a small bar. I think I managed pint five before heading off home. Except I didn't. A convinient phone call from a friend in the Sports and Social, (considered to be my local drinking establishment) led me to join a merry band of friends on quiz night. Strangely the rest of the night from there on in became a little hazy.

Kebab, and home. Yes, yes, my voluntary ban on kebabs has been lifted. And what a kebab. Seven quid's worth of juicy chicken and lamb flesh.

Incidentally, the lift started working after jumping up and down like a lunatic.

Too Much.....

I have finally decided to end my love affair with the old pub closing time snack. The kebab. Feeling reasonably sober, I felt a little peckish. My local kebab shop provided me with what I wanted and by the time I got home, I opened the box, ate a couple of mouth fulls of the stuff and couldn't eat anymore.

I compare the experience with that of picking out a copy of Loaded magasine from my local paper and buying it. It doesn't feel right for a thirty two year old to do. Not only that, it is a little embarrassing. Yes I'm still drawing parallels with kebabs. At the kebab shop I was surrounded by young early twenty year olds out from the pub, hammered out their skulls on shandy doing exactly what I used to do at that age. Incidentally the same age group that buy Loaded magasine. Oh dear. Time to grow up Two Darts and settle for a posh turkish restaurant instead.

Oh, one final thing. A note to one irritated reader. I've made it clear in the past about who and what I written about in previous articles. The identity of who I write about is tastefully hidden. Its funny how all of the readership of this blog don't know of these people. If you don't like what you read then don't read it. Simple. This blog is for public consumption but also in some ways a journal of ones self. I occasionally read back some old entries and I see how I've changed. Its quite interesting to see how opinions change or don't. I am fortunate not to attract too much media attention with my blog unlike Recess Monkey who recently recieved compliments for his accidental reporting of the demise of Margaret Thatcher as well as plenty of threats.

Sometimes...

...I really do think that I've woken up one morning and a whole day passes by where everyone is either weird, stupid, or just dis-jointed, mentally. Yesterday was one of those days. Not only is climate change destroying earth as we know it but it is driving people insane. Terrorism is constantly at the forefront of most media. The UK in its efforts to try to replace the Trident missile system are having a hard time convincing people that it is a good thing in this age of uncertaintly. What are they talking about? Are the rogue states of the world poised to detonate nuclear weapons upon us? Does the government know something we do not? Or should I say that the government would like us to think that and will be all to happy to fan those flames of paranoia. Last nights vote to agree a plan to have a replacement system, was reluctantly agreed. What next? A demonstration of how vitally important it is to have a nuclear deterent? Another terrorist atttack should do the trick. It is a little hard not to be cynical. Hey I'm sure it was great to get rid of Saddam and his cronies for the sake of democracy and freedom. But what were those initial reasons? Al-Qaeda? WMD's? Oil? More over these kind of things breed more paranoia and the conspiracy theorists are having a field day. You see, there something for everyone!

On a serious note about climate change and other worldly looming disasters, where has the fun gone out of life. I mean, really. Where have the fun times gone? Is this a privelage that only children have now? The doom mongers will have you know about what could happen to the planet in a mere 43 years. It looks bad. Really bad. They say that if we don't reduce carbon output that disasterous consequences are at our door step. A friend of mine mentioned last night that big carbon dioxide emitters like China, India and the US are causing a lot of damage. China and India are still considered developing nations and have huge populations to support. The US.....well the US is just plain greedy and ignorant. I read about two of the largest US car manufacturers complaining that a four percent increase in fuel efficiency is far too expensive a target to meet! At what cost? What have they been doing all this time while european and japanese car manufacturers have been producing fuel efficient vehicles for quite some time. At a time where people are more aware of global issues more than ever, isn't it time we had some influence over greedy nations and greedy companies? My love of driving is something of the past. I hope that with what I do to help reduce global warming will keep my conscience a little more clear than those that do absolutely nothing.

Internet dating

As someone who never says no to new ideas, (although there as somethings I just won't do) I took a couple of days off to just chill out. Two hours into my well deserved freedom I realised that boredom does not have any positive effect. So whilst surfing the web I came across ITV's Dating site. Curiousity got the better of me so I decided to enter my (false) details and got cracking with finding a fine looking laydee. Pause for a moment. I'm increasingly seeing examples of urbanite spelling such as the one demonstrated earlier. Is the english language evolving? Are we beginning to see the dawn of a new way of spellin? Yeah man, iz like iz really hip ya kno...Perhaps not. Although there are examples of exam answers where the yoof, sorry, youth of today are writing in Textlish. U Know wot I mean. Un-pause. So Putting in my criteria of the kind of lady I would like to meet (19-99) - (I am joking), along with a few other attributes, the search sprang quite a few lovely single ladies. It was only really after reading a few examples that I discovered that along with describing ones self, that there is an attribute describing what kind of person you are. You know, easy going, independent, low maintenance and high maintenance. Who on earth would describe themselves as high maintenance? Really? Sounds like a highly desirable quality. If your a footballer. Initially I thought high maintenance was someone who'd be very expensive to take out for a night or even to live with. But for the right lady, I would spent money on her lavishly. No. High maintenance sounded a little more like needy, clingy, an emotional wreck. Those words strike fear into most single people looking for "fun, friendship.....and possibly more". Does that sound cliched? It was supposed to. For some reason, everytime I read that line in a dating ad, I keep thinking that there is a silent nudge, nudge, wink, wink to add to the last two words. Clearly I watched too much Benny Hill as a kid.

Oh finally, the classic for internet dating. Whilst sifting through more ladies, I came across a picture of a woman who lived just around the corner from me, had all the attributes that I was looking for in a lady, and looked a spitting image of Helena Christensen. Wow. Too good to be true? Yep. It was a picture of H.C. Probably the reality of it? A moose. Not just any moose, probably a dungeree wearing, feminist, border line lesbian, bi-curious, hardline communist just waiting for someone stupid enough to arrange a date, for her to then shout and scream at the poor soul for being so shallow and that beauty is only skin deep. Yeah. Yeah. Come on love, face it, it helps to look a little attractive. Just a second, is there a copyright liability for using someone elses face ? Mis-leading? Could I get my money back if she wasn't the real deal? Defamation of character? This dating stuff is way too complicated sometimes.

The Night that Never Was

Much anticipation and expectation was held for last night. A good friend and colleague who rarely goes out on the lash decided to do so last night and made mention of it in advance. The reason for joining our merry band was not to see Kumar get hammered, although that happened anyway, but to make it an occasion. That never was. The usual suspects were strangely absent on this particular night. The Fox, Pickle amongst a couple of others. Even that well known bar fly, my mate Dave, seemed reluctant to party on with us.

Things spiced up a little with the presence of Lembit Opik, oh and I almost forgot, and his partner. Damn. What's her name? What a cheek(y) I can't remember her name. Gabriella something or other. Ok. One Cheek of the Cheeky Girls. How did he do it? I must say, she is indeed a very attractive woman. She wasn't immediately recognisable, but noticing Lembit with a lovely lady, and putting two and two together (pre-ninth pint adds up to four) it could only have been the aforementioned lady.

Probably one of the most disappointing moments of the night, and I largely blame myself for not been as sharp as I normally am, was the moment my mate Recess Monkey introduced me to an amazingly attractive lady. No. Not the other half of the Cheeky Girls but a very attractive lady indeed. I woke up this morning a little disappointed for missing the chance to shine. Brain clearly not in gear.

Even more annoying that I hadn't managed to avoid my local kebab shop last night either. I woke up this morning thinking that kebabs had taken over the planet until I realised that one of two things happened. Either my cats had got fed up of waiting for dinner and decided to open up a kebab restaurant or that as I had no feeling on my face that I did not know where my mouth was, I took the scatter gun approach to eating. Some parts of the food must have been on target as the familiar morning after, whoops I've eaten a kebab taste made itself familiar. Looking at the aftermath of the battle of kebab, it was a bloody battle and a devastating scene.