Opening Lines

I have to say this as it still has me in stitches. And the more I think about it the funnier it gets. My "How to Date A Woman" guru earlier this afternoon added further suggestions to the fit woman at the train station problem. Let me explain from the beginning.

The conversation started with my mate Dave, Romeo Tony and I talking about a certain Lord with an appetite for young attractive women. My mate Dave as an acute aversion to Lordy Lord much to my amusement although he has a point. There are some classic examples of why men generally are seen as an obstacle to Lordy Lord as they get in the way of the attractive women that they are talking to. I myself have had first hand at being side lined while said Lord somehow wafts his O'dr I'm Rich and I'm Important at my friends Pickle and Foxy. I'm not particularly bothered by it except that it is a little rude that somehow it doesn't really matter that Dave or I am talking to them at the time. There clearly must be something far more important that has to be said to these two fine looking women that can't wait until we have finished talking. My mate Dave has by this time made a bee-line some hundred yards away to the bar (the distance is an exaggeration but you get my point) leaving me wondering what on earth I'm doing sitting there like a plumb. For a while my mate Dave and I thought we must be the only ones subjected to this form of friendship. Until that is Romeo Tony piped up and made mention of the randy old Lords bottom slappping exploits. I personally find the whole show hilarious. I imagine a cartoon character of a figure of said Lord in the style of a Carry on Movie. Really funny. I digress.

So I asked the question to Romeo Tony about why women are attracted to rather ungainly looking blokes. As always the wisdom of Romeo is unfaltering as ever as he mentions two key things. Money and power. Is it really true that with those traits associated with ones being that a man can have any woman he likes? Are those qualities so seductive to women that no longer sensitivity, a sense of humour and a big c**k the only things a man needs as tools of the trade to attract a woman? Surely not! To add credibility to Romeo Tony's theory (or fact) you only have to look at some examples. John Major and Edwina Currie, John Prescott and some Secretary, Hitler and Eva Braun, erm Punch and Judy...perhaps not the last one, Sooty and the Panda lady, Rod, Jane and Freddie (menage a trois). Okay I'll stop.

So applying that wisdom to my predicament a suggestion was made to me. Why not print some business cards out with the title Lord or MP to my name and approach lady at the train station in that way. For a split second I thought it might work. Then the reality and practicality of it set in. Looking at the example of the Lord in question I realised that I would have to eat a copious amount of expensive food, drink a gallon of port a day for that authentic red wino's nose and wear a really bad pin stripe suit. Impossible. Nice one Romeo Tony but I'm afraid not. If it were indeed successful I certainly would not like to earn that kind of reputation that my mate Dave so well describes. As a traditionalist I think I shall depend on the traditional qualities that I mentioned earlier. And for all you laydees out there, yes I really do have a big .......... :-)