A Twist on the Nigerian Scam

We've all heard of them. Been approached by them, and maybe even been tempted by them. Yes, its the old favorite. The Nigerian scam. Money either won/inherited/aquirred somehow is ready to be collected. Cool. Hopefully most of my readers are not stupid enough to fall for it. I know it looks a little long but trust me, you'll love it.

Internet dating has advanced this scam. It has evolved.

I'll make the introduction to this tale brief so you can read the juicy bits.

Day 1:
2Darts sign's on to a dating site. Within three days a hot looking lady approaches me. Flattery gets all men everywhere. So brilliant. In there, loving the attention.

Day 4:
More conversation. The poor cow hints that she is about to come into a lot of money from Nigeria and she doesn't have a bank account so she needs to fly out there. She's also about to be kicked out of her friend's flat. She doesn't have a job either. After much discussion I tell her that the whole Nigerian thing is a scam. After much convincing she says no more about it. I know she's on to a scam by this stage.

Day 5: Kicking out day. Panic sets in to the silly tart and she begs me for £350. No I say but being the kind Dart that I am I feel the need to give her some advice. Clearly in one ear and out the other.

Day 6: Nothing

Day 7: Email to say she's at a hotel packing for Nigeria. She leaves that day. I am pissing myself laughing.

Day 8: In Nigeria, going to get the money soon she says.

The rest is documented below.




Show Recent Messages (F3)

BUZZ!!!
Kelly lauren: hello babe
2Darts: hello
Kelly lauren: gudmorning babe
Kelly lauren: hw was your night
Kelly lauren: i missed you
2Darts: Good thanks.
Kelly lauren: that means yu really enjoyself last night
Kelly lauren: i was indoor after i got back from the lawyer babe
2Darts: Yes. Sorry. So tell me what happened
Kelly lauren: he said ,he will need to collect part of his payment before he can render any
services
2Darts: And wat did you do?
Kelly lauren: i explained to hin but he wouldnt listen babe
2Darts: and?
Kelly lauren: he said ,he must collect part payment before anything can be done and i went
back to the company but they also said i must get a lawyer before anything can be done
2Darts: So what are you going to do?
Kelly lauren: i dont know babe
Kelly lauren: i was just indoor since yesterday crying babe
2Darts: Can you not borrow money from your step mum?
Kelly lauren: dont even think about that babe
2Darts: Sounds like you're going to have to come back to England and start looking for a
job.
Kelly lauren: even to fly back is a problem bcos i only buy one way ticket
2Darts: Looks like you're stuck in Nigeria.
Kelly lauren: i will do anything to get the money out of this country babe
2Darts: My advice is to go to the British Consulate or Embassy and they will be able to help
you get back home.
Kelly lauren: even if we be for me to sleep aroound ...i will get that money out of here
2Darts: It just show's what more important to you in life then. Clearly it isn't your
dignity.
Kelly lauren: i know you can help me but you will want to ...which i dont know why
2Darts: You have shown your true colours Kelly. The only thing important in life to you is
money. Good luck with it.
Kelly lauren: nope babe
Kelly lauren: hw could you say that 2Darts
2Darts: Because you said that you'd even sleep around to get money. That makes you a
prostitute. Don't you get it?
Kelly lauren: you know i will never do that babe
2Darts: You said you would. Look. Just follow my advice and find the British Embassy.
They'll give you a free ticket back to England. That's of course if you really are in
Nigeria. Good bye.
Kelly lauren: for you leaving me ...that really showed that you are a good friend
2Darts: No. You aren't listening to a word I have said.
Kelly lauren: i did babe
Kelly lauren: dont you know that since yesterday even have not eating bcos i cant afford it
Kelly lauren: i dont have a dime with me babe
2Darts: Kelly, go to the Embassy, get back to England. Go home to your step-mum and find
yourself a job. Act like a grown up.
2Darts: Do you know what an Embassy is?
Kelly lauren: ok
Kelly lauren: i know babe
Kelly lauren: 2Darts,can you do this for me this morning
2Darts: How Kelly? You have no contact details. No address in Nigeria. How would they know
where you are?
BUZZ!!!
Kelly lauren: i will go there and meet them babe
Kelly lauren: but the hotel that i lodge sized all my travelling document bcos i want to pay
them
2Darts: Which city are you in?
Kelly lauren: ota
Kelly lauren: babe,i need 100pounds from you this morning babe
2Darts: How would I give that to you?
Kelly lauren: let me ask the hotel accountant that my fiancee what want to pay there bills
from uk ....that how they get it babe and i will find my way to the embassy babe
2Darts: I'm not your fiancee
Kelly lauren: pls do this for me 2Darts
Kelly lauren: sorry my friend
2Darts: The embassy will pay for your hotel too. Just get yourself there.
2Darts: What is the name of the Hotel?
Kelly lauren: cant you do this for me instead of telling the embassy for evertyhing
Kelly lauren: the name of the hotel is travellers hotel
2Darts: That is what the embassy is there for Kelly. Its quicker. What are the full address
details.
Kelly lauren: i know you really want to help me babe
Kelly lauren: but i will get to the embassy myslef and i will explain things for them babe
Kelly lauren: i just neeed to pay the hotel so that i can get out of here
2Darts: Phone the embassy from the Hotel.
Kelly lauren: i need to pay what i owed them
2Darts: The Embassy willl pay them.
2Darts: Explain to the hotel that you need to phone the embassy because of your situation.
Kelly lauren: i cant be requestion for 100pounds from the embassy
Kelly lauren: they will not allow they disconnected the phone room babe
Kelly lauren: pls help me with 100pounds babe
Kelly lauren: let me know if you can do this for me babe
2Darts: Ask to use the hotel phone.
2Darts: Explain your situation to them. Be absolutely truthful and they will understand that
you need to call the embassy because you are in trouble.
Kelly lauren: ok.....can you help me with 100pounds this morning babe
2Darts: I will phone the Embassy in Nigeria to help you. Thanks for telling me where you
are. I will tell them that you are staying at the Hotel in Oka and tell them of your
situation.
2Darts: They will then come and get you. You see. Problem solved.
Kelly lauren: i still need to eat this morning babe.....i am not feeling ok
Kelly lauren: i need this 100pounds from you and i want you to give me babe
2Darts: They will me there within half and hour after I have contacted them.
Kelly lauren: so you cant help me on your own....right?
2Darts: I'm too far away....Someone will be at the hotel in half an hour. Promise. They will
pay the hotel and give you food and a ticket home.
2Darts: I have already help you by contacting the Embassy. They will be on there way now.
Kelly lauren: i just tell the account just now,she said if you can send the money via
westernunion that i will get it in 20mins babe
2Darts: I've already phoned the Embassy while I've been typing. They are already on there
way to see you. So pack your bags. Your going now! Isn't that good news?
Kelly lauren: good news but if they are not here
Kelly lauren: cant you help me with 100pounds?
2Darts: Can you ask the reception to give me correct address just to be sure.
Kelly lauren: can you help me with what am requestion from you now or not?
2Darts: Give me the account details.
Kelly lauren: let me ask her
Kelly lauren: wo you want to help with 100pounds or what
2Darts: Just give me the account details
Kelly lauren: 2Darts.....do you want to help me with the 100pounds or not?
2Darts: Why else would I ask for the account details.
Kelly lauren: ok....let me go nd get it for you 2mins
Kelly lauren: i got it babe
2Darts: Ok.
Kelly lauren: Name: MATTHEW JONES

City : Oka

State : Ogun

Country : Nigeria

Text Question : Who Care?

Answer : 2Darts
Kelly lauren: this what she said i shuld give to you babe
2Darts: ....and I need the address too.
2Darts: The money transfer people over here will not do anything without the address.
Kelly lauren: he said that is all you need babe
2Darts: The man at the shop needs it for his records. He said to me that sometimes people
accidentally give the wrong information so he has to cross reference it.
Kelly lauren: let me ask
Kelly lauren: wait
2Darts: ok
Kelly lauren: Address: 10,david close,oka,Ogun
BUZZ!!!
Kelly lauren: you get it?
2Darts: Yep.
Kelly lauren: what do you want to do now?
BUZZ!!!
2Darts: I will have to go to the shop now and give the details. How does he want it? Cash or
Cheque?
Kelly lauren: cash ..will be fine babe
Kelly lauren: but am not sure you are going to help me
Kelly lauren: i doubt it if you are going to do it
2Darts: Why do say that?
Kelly lauren: that is what i just felt babe and i will be glad if you can do this for me
babe and let me get out of this country ...pls
Kelly lauren: all i need is just 100pounds babe
Kelly lauren: tell me the truth 2Darts.....are you going to help me with this money?
2Darts: just a minute..
Kelly lauren: what?
2Darts: just a minute.....I need to feed the cats
2Darts: Ok. Back now.
2Darts: are you still there?
BUZZ!!!
BUZZ!!!
Kelly lauren: talk hun
Kelly lauren: so i will know what to do
2Darts: I need to go to the shop. So I will be about an hour as there a lots of people
sending money to Nigeria. I shall contact you soon.
BUZZ!!!
Kelly lauren: dont bother sending it bcos i know you are not going to send it
Kelly lauren: take good care of urself
2Darts: Why are you being so mean?
Kelly lauren: its bcos i know that you will not send the money
2Darts: I'm not stupid enough to fall a scam like this. Not only that but I am reporting you
as well. Its been enjoyable leading you on though. Thanks.

Scamtastic eh!

Ricky Hatton

Well done Ricky Hatton (British Boxer for those who don't know) for knocking seven bells out of Jose Luis Castillo. I currently don't have those great, but over priced sports channels at home at the moment so I missed the occasion. Never the less, another loose tongued, hot aired boxer hits the canvas at Hattons feet. Floyd Mayweather has surely got to be the setup of the year should it happen. Most likely it will. You may have noticed other another great fighter in the picture, no, you thought I was going to say out lad Rooney, no. Barrera. Incidentally, what is Shrek doing there anyway? And why has he got his fist up like that? Does he want some? eh! eh! eh! Probably one of his more embarrassing photos I think.

Face Book group

Yo! Yo! Check it out.

Face Book group called "The Greyhound - Streatham"

I bumped into this group accidentally whilst laughing at the crap alternative entrance Opening of Streatham Common courtesy of a friend of mine who announced she group the group.

Urban patois I didn't think could ever be put into a written form unlike Patois but then this is what I discovered in the group mention earlier.

"lol fair play keep doin wot ur doin famzi itz good to rep yer yer the place woz gd init i told peeps in the endz about it stil but lol just havent reached the extent u hav lol. Keep it up!! "

Erm.....I'll have an ice cream with that. Actually I do understand what it means. Sort of.


Oh. Incidentally, the person replying to the above message strangely wrote in regular English. Truly a multi-linguist.

The FB...ieeeee!!

What a phenonenomenomn. Hell I can't spell it without looking it up. Not only that, it's the weekend and in the tradition of a Friday night one got a little hammered last night so I cannot be bothered. Although these day's 2darts is trying to be a little kinder to himself. Less of everything. Moderation is the defining word for me.

FB; or as we know it, Face Book. The huge success that allows people to communicate with each other. Some people may ask, "waz wrong with using a telephone aye? aye?". Its voyeuristic appeal for one. Finding long lost friends and family members, people who owe you money or indeed you owe them and stalking are some of the things that people can do with Facebook. Its other appeal is to arrange big social occasions sucessfully because people are always on it.

I attended such an event, three friends celebrating their birthday. Pretty good event too.

I am currently seeking out family members. Not as easy as it seems but with the help of my trust sided kick, my aunt, I have managed to find a few. Most of whom I haven't seen since they were in nappies and terrorising 2darts.

Looking for a......

"Hi my name is liz9834 and I'm looking for a real man." - Discuss.

One of the worlds most ridiculous things to say on a dating site. Clearly this person saw the error of her ways and never realised that all the card board cutout geezers, and the inflatable man from the tyre shop were just not going to provide her with the support and love she needed. Finally, a friend stepped in and suggested that she should find a real man instead.

Hell, that's my interpretation to the statement.

"Mustn't have a face like a number 92 bus." - I've never seen a number 92 bus. I shalll find a picture of one....just in case. Are the men in this world going to hold up a picture of a Number 92 bus in front of a mirror and then finally decide whether or not its fine to reply to this lady?

As I'm getting a little tired of the tedium of dating sites, as a parting shot one day I shall change my profile to an alter ego and request the following just to see how many replies I get.

"Hi may name is evil2darts7654. And I'm looking for a woman with fake boobs, streaky fake tan. I find those tide marks around the neck line especially attractive. Must have had botox in the following areas, bottom, lips, forehead and chin. Anymore is a bonus. Should have an interest in spend loads of my money. Preferrably on the first date."

Me grumpy? No.

Where's that beginners guide to celibacy?

Wine and Women.

Not one to stereotype but why oh why in soaps do they always have women hitting the vino after a disasterous moment with a man? What's that all about? What no beer? Are we all to believe that this is representative of women everywhere in that situation? What about getting hammered on Scrumpy Jack or moonshine whiskey? Special Brew? Methys?

What's kicked this off? A crap day and Hollyoaks.

Have you ever seen a bloke drowning his sorrows with a glass of Pinot Grigio? No way! Whiskey! A bottle of non-descript spirits. Hardcore to the max. What does this say about the media? Birds drink wine and blokes drink hardcore industrial strength spirits. Come on now......

Things Not to Do

Before I start, some of things that are about to be mentioned are contribution from friends that really shouldn't have done and were warned about. Clearly there are things I shouldn't have either.

• Never buy cheap blue things that you put in your cistern tank knowing that they only last for three flushes.
• Never allow a cat litter tray to get over populated with cat turd as the bath makes just nice a tray.
• Never promise to stop smoking and inform everyone that you have to then to have ones resolve broken after a couple of pints.
• Facebook people after a marathon drinking session.
• Never buy a kebab after a marathon drinkning session ..........with onions on it.
• Never attempt to date three ladies in one night in quick sucession.
• Never stagger into a pub with date number three when date number two is just around the corner.
• Never ignore person you met the night before in a drunken stupor even though they are trying to make eye contact with you.
• Never improve on a Carribean curried goat recipe when the person who gave you the recipe knows better.

Bloody PC

Politically Correct is a reaction and a consequence of idiots like the late Bernard Mannning who's deluded idea of what is funny got the PC brigade in full riot gear. Nothing new about racist people making racist jokes. PC'ness has had its knee jerk reactions and its quiter moments. The nineties and especially when I was a student brought on PC extremism. Or does it still exist? I don't know. I'm no bloody student anymore. Bloody students! No good, lazy, idealists!.....just kidding. I remember even then sitting down with loads of stoned students all embracing such "out there" concepts such as multi-culturalism, spreading the love, discussing the virtues of being a labour supporter without having a flaming clue about politics and the medical benefits of marijuana. Whilst these conversations were had, I couldn't help but think what a bunch of insincere twats some of these middle class (I want to fit in please) came across as. Thankfully no friends of mine but just another opportunist moment for our beer swilling posse to smoke their quality dope. Listening to crap conversation was always going to be an ill side effect of seeking out quality ganja. Ah those were the days.

So why am I going on about this again? . I could've been wrongly accused of a gender inequality. If I could've covered my mouth in horror I would have looked guilty for a comment that only I interpretted as being un-PC . But that wasn't what was mean't at all. Why did I think that people may have misinterpretted my innocent suggestion? They were clearly non the wiser. Probably my guilt for frowning upon those middle class twats who were desperately trying to say the right thing. At that moment. I felt bad. For a couple of seconds.

The nexts incident was yesterday actually where I ranted about a friend who was vertically challenged, impressing upon the point that he was small in stature.....yep whilst an almost equally short friend was there to listen to said rant. Again. I felt embarrassed. I wasn't being heightist. Just ranting about my friend's poorly executed threat of violence after far too many drinks.

Am I turning into that hated middle class twat with all the associated pangs of being socially and culturally inept? Nah. Born and bred in Saaaarf Luuuundun mate. Innit man. Daz where multi- cultu-is-ism waz born bruv. Erm, innit!

Super Tramp

Have you ever had a moment where you just have to laugh even though the circumstances really do not permit it? In an evil sort of way, its is just overwhelmingly funny. I see life through comedy glasses. Most things I see or hear have a habit of having a funny side to it. So it gives me great pleasure to describe something that set my tempo for the day.

Victoria railway station and bus terminal has a number of visitors and a number of residents. Of particular interest are the street dwelling kind. I'm not talking about your common garden, run away from home heroin addicted teenager. Nope. I am talking about your seasoned, all smelling, nicely grubby, tobacco stained, piss and poo matted, Diamond White addicted tramp. There are two in particular that I have the pleasure of seeing on occassion boarding the 507 bus. These buses are the bendy ones that don't require an obligatory swipe of the Oyster (travelcard thing) card. So its a free ride from Victoria Mansion to the Costa del Waterloo. There is something amazingly content in their men's eyes when they talk to each other. They've heaaled themselve of the burden and all the worries of a modern life the rest of us lead, many, many years ago.

I happened to be on this bus this morning with a friend of mine. On this particular occassion one half of this comedy act was without the other. Whilst she was deep in conversation with me and standing side on to the smelly old fart (he's probably only 30 but looks twice the age), without pause, shame, or hesitation , he coughed. Range oh, erm about roughly a foot away. Near enough for stray spittle and lung to potentially meet my poor friend's cheek. You're probably thinking there is nothing funny at all about this and that its quite disgusting. Sure. Of course. But done with such style and without the slightest bit of embarrassment. Superrb. A man who truly cannot give a flying f*ck. The evil part? I couldn't hide my amusment. I couldn't stop laughing out aloud for quite sometime until the inevitable sharp nudge. Hahahahahahaahahahahahaaaaa!

Boy Wonder Hamilton

Yay!! That Hamilton chap is going from strength to strength. Yet another fine display of one upmanship between our local hero Lewis Hamilton and that overcooked paella, Fernando Alonso. I think Alonso tarnished his own character in an interview during his capaign to become world champion first time around when he stated that there is no-one of the grid he would consider to be his friend. They are the opposition and that he was there to beat them Fair do's Mr I take things too seriously. Look at the attitude of our young hero Hamilton. Friendly, competitive and without any hint of arrogance. Lets not forget his champion status for GP2. Winning any championship is going to have an effect on an individual. His is for the better while Alonso is not fairing so well. In the third and final qualifying period, he made mistakes on his last possible lap to take pole position. I think we are beginning to identify the chink in Alonso's armour. His inability to control the rage inside of what clearly seems to stem from the naive attitude that just because he is world champion, the team should pay him the extra attention he supposedly earns. If he really wanted that, then Ferrari would have been more than happy to accommodate. Clearly they aren't seeing the promised land with Kimi's disappointing performance so far and the under performing Ferrari. Some might say that it is Kimi's first year at Ferrari. Lewis Hamilton clearly puts that argument right.

So what of Lewis. A sucessful conversion of pole to a win? If Alonso tries and succeeds in trying to pull off the same kamakazi routine tomorrow morning, then he'll most definitely take Hamilton out and in the process hand advantage to Ferrari or BMW. Will arogance win over team spirit? We'll see.

Are we getting all too pant wettingly excited about tomorrow's prospect of another win and indeed subsequent wins to make Lewis world champion? I think so. Form suggests that experience will win the day. It just damn logical. So why are some highly respected people in the game already suggesting that the miracle will happen? Look at the results so far. Not one single error. Canada and Hamilton's performance was not only text book, but one would regard as the perfect race.

The US grand prix traditionally a Ferrari stronghold is no more judging by the qualifying form of McClaren Mercedes. Expect the following results:

1 Lewis Hamilton
2 Fernando Alonso
3 Felippe Massa
4 Nick Heidfeld
5 Kimi Raikkonen
6 New Boy Vettel
7 Heikki Kovalainen
8 David Coulthard/Mark Webber - yes a copp out if you will. Could swing either way.

One to watch. Red Bull Racing for tomorrow.

I could be entirely wrong however.

Habit, Habit, Habit....where have all the nun's gone?

Okay. Some more observations about this internet dating malarkey. Hopefully this will be the last for now.

All sites ask to describe yourself set against certain criteria. For example, ethnicity, sex and that sort of thing. A few things amuse me about one particular site. There is a question about drug usage. Do you do drugs? Its a good question. But hardly one that someone is truly going to be honest about eh. The options are No, Yes, and wouldn't like to say. Erm. Forgive me for stating the obvious. But doesn't saying "Wouldn't like to say" an admission of guilt? There are some people who are going to say, its nobody's business but there own. What a load of rubbish. If you do, then you do. Pills, powder, injections, smoke whatever. If its a part of someones life then why both lying about it. They'll get found out soon enough. If you do then don't be shy. Describe what kind of sh*t your into. Bit a brown? E's, tab's, ganj? Better to get it out of the way. As ever the curious person that I am, I set about including this as a pre-requisite to a persons profile. Not to actually partner up with I hasten to add. As you've read some of my articles in the past I'm not a big fan of anyone who lives for drugs. Moderation I say. Only kidding. Now out of several hundred thousand people signed up to the service, amazingly twenty two women had admitted to being a user. Now that's what I call having balls. My hat off to you my dears for the honesty. Slightly worrying however are the number of people who might contact them just to get the number of dealer as their own have probably been nicked. Scary thought eh?

The other one is size. That's body size. The usual apply, fat, thin, curvy, some poundage, and hardly suprising, wouldn't like to say. What??? Are you telling me that their ethics solely lie in the realm of "but at the end of the day its all about the personality". This is true. But the truth of it, is that in this game, some degree of physical attraction has to be present. After all would you have the stomach to shag a Hippo-croca-pig? (Credit goes to an old friend of mine with no sense of decency). Really! If you're have some poundage, sooo what. I've met some extremely sexy ladies with additional curves to their already beautiful curves. Stick thin? Who gives a toss. All these varieties of physiques are to cater for all kinds of tastes. I can understand people's reluctance to answer these personal questions truthfully but if they are ever going to meet someone then they have to be truthful. No one likes a liar. You wouldn't go and answer an advert for a shiny new car only to see it for real and realise its only got three wheels, no bonnet and no seats? Would you buy it or call the owner a stinking liar? Same thing. If they lack so much self esteem, they are only going to be feel worse for everytime they get knocked back after being discovered. Everyone feels low in the beginning. Time and being with the right people I think ultimately resolves a lack of confidence and self esteem.

Now some clever arse is going to think, but Mr know it all TwoDarts, maybe size isn't important to some people, to which I would swiftly and calmly state......your right.

What am I a flaming agony aunt? Shut it two darts!!

Serious Moment

There's a thought that has bothered me for a while. People have opinions. Some quite strong. Which is very admirable at times. People have beliefs that will not be swayed either. What happens when people realise that although those beliefs or opinions are a little unfair or unjust. I'm not talking about something highly immoral or bigotted or racist. I'm talking about an opinion of another person who happens to be in a situation that is a part of their life where they feel that it is just wrong. What are you talking about twodarts? I spoke to a friend last night about this internet dating thing. They've tried it before and I was suprised about what they had to say about it when I asked what in particular they were looking for. When they said they weren't into single mothers it didn't actually dawn on me the weight of that statement until this mornings usual cruise up internet dating alley. I must confess that as I picked some random contenders, the ocassional single mother popped up. Those words from last night echoed back to me. I actually started to question myself about what I thought about it. It never bothered me before. But the rationale for my friends thinking was one of being a part of that person's life but knowing that there would always be the presence of her ex partner and the child of another man in most cases. He found that very unappealling. As I looked up more ladies I came across a few more. What would it be like to vye for the attention of the lady of your life when she clearly has the attention of a child. Isn't that a rather selfish attitude to have? Is it? Yes and no I concluded. That child isn't one day going to go away. Its a part of her life and makes her who she is. Does she sound nice, compatible, a lifer? Why should a decison be based on her child I thought? It is an internet dating site and that lady is on their to meet other people. Its something for themselves. Yet I couldn't help but take an objective view of this. Some single childless people will no doubt feel a little uncomfortable about this particular situation. Some else's child. Could it be that they'd always imagined starting a family from scratch and the idea of having a ready made one feels like he/she has skipped a few steps. Especially the fun part :-)

The more I thought about this the more I began to realise how awkward and uncomfortable addressing this subject became. Is it right to feel like that?

The simple answer if this is the answer is that those people including myself are individuals with a right to be prejudice when it comes to selecting a partner. There is no good or bad, morally right or wrong in this. Just something that an individual feels comfortable with. My choice? I'm not saying.....

Too good to Resist

In my quest for love I signed up to an Internet dating site a while back. With affairs of the heart you've got to be into it to get something out of it. Occassionally I just go cruising on this particular site. God I sound like a kerb crawler. Or a night club male tart.

Two particular ladies caught my attention for not the obvious reasons. You'll see why.

First one:


Hi, my name is Nades1978. I am a 28 year old single woman with black hair and blue eyes. I am 5 ft 5 tall disabled, living in Kazah, Russia.

She is currently looking for
A man aged between 33 and 34 living in United Kingdom for friendship

She describes her personality as
Loving

Nothing wrong there now. Right?

Very attractive picture which I won't disclose because I'm not a complete w*nker. On further inspection, I looked at her details.

Three things just totally opposed the description above. One the picture is of a woman with fair skin and blond hair. Not black. Two, ethnicity, african. Three, religion, Sikh.

Am I missing something?

So I pondered for a while, whether or not she honestly thinks she could get away with it.

I'm not even going to add the little write up about herself. All I will say is that she would've been better off subscribing to Russian wives for English dirty old men. Dot Com. Anyway, I had to respond.

Hi,Thanks for viewing me. I couldn't hold out any longer but I'm curious, your pictures are great, but I seem to be missing something. You seem to have blond hair in all three pictures and your african in ethnicity and your a Sikh and you live in Russia? I've never met anyone so erm, diverse in all senses. How did you come to be like that?

I wait the reply, if any with great anticipation!! I'll post it up here if there is one.

Candidate number two. You'll have to trust me on this one.

Indian girl 22 years old. Into exotic dancing with her pet python. Is currently setting up an adult film company. The picture of her has to be seen to be believed. Oh and what does she want, out of the usual categories such as long term relationship, dating, friendship, yes she didn't pick initmate encounter, she picture other relationship. What the hell does she want? A prop for her new company? Walking penis? Or something altogether more sinister? Odd. Very odd.

More Chav stuff

A contributor to my blog reminded me of another Chavtastic fact about my neck of the woods.

I was off sick for a while. After being saturated with daytime TV and Chav's favorites Tricia and Jeremy Kyle, I resorted to finding something else to do. People watching. You know, the kind of stuff that old retired people do. Incidentally, I'll put down for the record that I'll end up being a miserable, complaining old fart when I get old. Mark my words. Victor Meldrew for the year 2047. If I get that far. (Ged on it with!!)

Anyway, so in my fine part of the world you have Chav's on Rota.

Morning Chav - two sub species; the pisshead's that get up bang on 8.30am to get to the local grocery shop for their fix of some Kestrel Super. The second one, single mums with about fifty kids all from different Dad's tagging along. Yep for a while I thought, no, got to be a child minder, just before the mouthed opened pouring out expletives. Either that or child care standards have slipped.

Lunch time Chav - Strictly speaking grotty hoodies. Chicken and chips from the takeaway of choice, no not KFC but South London's fav, Morleys. And if you're brave enough to walk past a group loitering near a sweet shop, ocassionally the question will pop up, "got fifty pee man. Innit". Jeeze! Chavvy mum's mum ferrying kids to see the doctor for some scrotty disease while chavvy mum hits the pub with her mates.

Evening Chav's - What else but Ford Fiesta's lowered, tinted with sh*t body kits. That's not a cherry bomb exhaust but a hole in one. All the time saying "nah! Is got a terrrbooo init man. Init." Oh shut up! The blokes all have a gangly stance with go many spots you could join them up with a pen and draw a Burberry hat with it. This scenario can't complete without the following two. Dog's and bitches. Or is it hoes? Imitation gangsta truly dilutes pure blood Chavs. But its a sign of the times. No Chav gang can be complete without token Scrapped back greasy haired 13 year old girls dressed up as eighteen year olds. And pregnant. Probably. Finally the obligatory Pitbull, or Staff. Why? Oh and on the lead is a 12 year old boy.

Night time Chav's - All of the above but hammered on Diamond White, Alchopop of choice, Dad's whiskey or Grandma's Gin. Evidence of night time Chav's is undisputable. Pizza sized sick on pavements on in the Church yard.

Yes a final observation. Why does it seem as though most Chav's and hoodies insist on hanging out in Church Yards? Are they paid protection money by the local vicar? Protection from whom? Probably God Botherers. Probably.

Is it National Chav Day?

Just as I'm settling down for a peaceful nights sleep am I to be woken up by a congregation of Chavs a little way down my road accompanied by the sweet melodies of car alarms going off. My hats off to the Chavs of South London. Tossers!

News to make any man cry

"Woman jailed for testicle attack says the BBC" - now that's just nuts.

Here's a bit of the article.

"A woman who ripped off her ex-boyfriend's testicle with her bare hands has been sent to prison.
Amanda Monti, 24, flew into a rage when Geoffrey Jones, 37, rejected her advances at the end of a house party, Liverpool Crown Court heard.
She pulled off his left testicle and tried to swallow it, before spitting it out. A friend handed it back to Mr Jones saying: "That's yours."


What kind of a woman was that to have the strength and the erm balls to do that? More to the point, if they were at a house party, what was he doing with his pants down his ankles in front of all those people? Oh I get it. It was one of "those" parties. Nudge, nudge, wink, wink. Keys in the fruit bowl kinda stuff eh?

Internet dating part deux

This deserves a separate mention to the previous article. As I mentioned before odd nicknames rather freak me out. I see it as a sign of things to come. Another extremely irritating thing about internet dating are those people, and I clearly can only speak as a bloke looking for a lady, who desccribe themselves in one way but stick a picture up of some model from Vogue magazine. Or worse, a recognisable model/actress. I mean how stupid do you think we are? Really. And lets pretend that if one were to entertain going a date with "sexygal1981" knowing that she is the spitting image of Claudia Schiffer that I'm clearly not to be disappointed. After all she really does look like that. Only for her to turn up looking like a ugly greasy moose. And noticing my shock/horror to then quote lines from her militant feminists hand book that she happens to be carrying. Or did I miss the small print on the website that says that the picture must be of a likeness of ones self indicating that the poor girl is deluded.

Not to pick on the fairer sex on this one. I'd piss myself laughing if blokes were to do the same sort of thing. I think what's more likely to happen is that they'd put a real picture of themselves on the site but not before they've asked their mate who works as a designer at a mens lifestyle magazine to airbrush and "correct" certain lumps and bumps (man boobs and beer gut). Or a picture of themselves in their prime prior to embracing the batchelor lifestyle of booze, fags, drugs and loose women. Oh and Xbox. Infact blokes are more likely, if they could get away with it to put up either a picture of a representative cartoon character (Homer Simpson I envisage would be hugely popular) or their gentials. Or just something funny but childish. Probably. As you can tell I would be a model candidate and put a real picture of me up. Now where's that picture of Harrison Ford..

Either way I don't think its fair on ones self or others to wear such a veil of deceit (note to creators of Blogger, please can you incorporate a spell checker. Thanks). It only makes a waste of time on the date, or even the first step of meeting some one online (if you're that thick that you really believe that she looks like Scarlett Johansson then good luck mate).

Do people really have such a lack of confidence as to not show a true picture of themselves. I know people's confidence takes a huge knock after coming out of a relationship or never having one in the first place. Yes it takes time to get back to the real you or to find the real, I'm comfortable with myself you. Once you're there, get yourself down to a photo studio and get some glam shots done of yourself to stick on the website. And when I mean glam shots, I don't mean those kind of shots. Save that for the person you hook up with.

F*ck me I sound like bloody Trisha or Jeremy Kyle (for those in the US and other countries, its the Brit version of Jerry Springer, and other talkshow hosts).

Internet dating..

Have I made a mention of this before? Possibly. After tearing myself away from a certain social utility network; I'm trying not to say its name. The therapist suggested I don't. I thought I'd cruise an internet dating site (Man that's sounds so slutty) for fun. I've peeked at it now and again with absolutely no commitment to it at all for the past few months. Its always interesting to see what kind of people are out there. My hat off to all of those people who have the balls to go for it. As I was browsing the many ladies who''ve put themselves on offer (why am I cringing whilst writing this?) I noticed a few people who had chosen (I know because it sounds like I'm visiting a knocking shop; I'm really, really not thinking that though. It just sounds a little sordid.) some rather odd, stupid or unattractive nicknames.

Here are some actual real life examples that I came across..along with my usual running comentary.

Lil Bitch - ......and proud of being one?
CrazyChick78 - Probably quite the opposite and boring as hell.
Loveshy01 - So what the hell are you doing on this site love?
FiestyBird - I bet she drinks Stella, has a tattoo of a bulldog and can swing a mean right hook.
Flaps14 - Oh dear what an unfortunate name.
Joanne Ryan - Erm, is your name Joanne Ryan by any chance.
Julesrules1911 - Control freak.
Rosehailmary - God Botherer. First dinner date and we say prayers before we eat. Ok?
Onemorewine - Piss head.
Goblin Girl - Ooh errr. On a first date? You really got to see the picture.
LooLabeller - Up there with bog brush quality control inspector.

Clearly internet dating is a newish concept and doesn't have the immediate impact that a bit of aftershave, nice hair cut, perfume, a bit of rouge or lippy would have in the conventional way of meeting someone, so there are other ways too seem attractive or sound reasonably sane in order to attract. Those listed above either scare the crap out of me just by the name or raise my eyebrow way past where it is capable of reaching.

What's in a name? Everything when it comes to internet dating.

Note to some of my feminist female readers: Please don't play the "2darts is a sexist b*stard". Just reverse the gender issue aand the argument then applies equally.

South London

You know when you've cross the North, South divide when tow trucks have sub woofers installed. We are of course talking about the North, South London divide. Everything south of the river has just that little bit extra. Extra road raging bus drivers, a few more hoodies during a school hours, more old people. Milk float drivers with attitude. And sub woofers in tow trucks. I love South London.

A Drunk French President? No way!

A Belgian newscaster has apologised for accusing the French President Nicolas Sarkozy for being drunk at the G8 summit. Here is the clip.

He wasn't at all drunk. There's more chance of a cocktail of coke, E's and Crystal meths being dropped in his morning coffee. Or so the performance would suggest. Allegdly.