Big Ron the Racist

I was just browsing through my good chum's blog Barry's Beef as part of my daily ritual (sad isn't it) and came across a YouTube clip of a rather spectacular football tackle to which I asked why don't they do that these days to which he mentioned that also at the time that ex-football pundit and racist scum pointed out that he said something very unpleasant about the Cameroon fans. The clip incidentally was from quite sometime ago. More recently Ron the Racist make a comment about a international football player over the radio which fro the UK was unheard as there was a commercial break but somewhere in the middle east (Saudi Arabia I think, Barry might fill in the details for me about the incident), led him to be sacked from commentating football. Good riddance to the old fool. Astonishing that he tried justifying his comments by saying that during the 70's he helped many a black player to football stardom. What was he trying to say? That it gives him licence to promote racism in football? Tosser. Anyway so as I thought we'd see the last of him, where does he appear tonight on TV? On a show called "The All Star Talent Show". Having read who appears on tonights show, I think it'll be worth watching the old fool made to look like one too. The star line up includes, Jeremy Beadle, Cheeky Girls, Tamara Beckwithe and Andi Peters (Myleene Klasse, what on earth are you doing on a show for tossers?).

Umm speaking of...

Just a quick thought. I don't know if any of you have trained in public speaking but I have and one of the most important lessons in public speaking is never to pause or hesitate unless to make a point. Tony Blair clearly over exercises this particular exception. Ever played that game where you have to talk for thirty seconds with "umming" or hesitating. The way to win that game was to talk absolute meaningless, bollocks for that length of time......which I'm sure some of you will be muttering under your breath, "but he does that all of the time". Thanks.

Umm

I'm having an old whinging man moment. Not that I'm that old but there are times where the little things f**king irritate me. One in particular is that commonly abuse phrase, "um". There is nothing more irritating or insincere about a person who during conversation utters the word "um" after every third word. There was a very serious topic of conversation about violent men in relationships on the Wright Stuff this morning. I have been a witness to a 'so called' friend who hit his long term partner during a drunken argument and frankly, I walloped him in return and told him plainly that I would punch his lights out if he ever did that to her again. I couldn't believe he would do such a thing. Its amazing and shocking when you realise that just when you think you might know someone, you don't at all. I feel sorry for her in that she won't leave him. Back to the story. So after a time where the panel discussed their opinions on the subject, follows a phone in. As you can imagine some pretty traumatic accounts of women being physically abused. Shocking. Unfortunately there was one caller who kept uttering that word "um" after every third or fourth word. I found myself getting more and more irritated rather than listen to her tragic tale which incidentally was a very bad case of abuse. Yes, I did listen. Just. Next time your hear someone abuse the word "um" used too frequently in conversation, see how irritating you might find it.

Hit PC Plod and get £100 ....

Shocking isn't it. Forgot to mention the other bit. That's get £100 fine. Its very disturbing to here that the policy on assault of a police officer has changed from a 6 month jail sentence to a £100 fine. Now is that a on the spot fine? Or does the accused have to stand in court to receive it? In which case it'll cost a lot lot more to the tax payer. Even so, the madness of it all. Are these people stupid or something. By having a £100 fine must surely mean that it undermines the ability of the authorities to be effective in policing. Not only that but if you have the likes of that Chav Lottery Winner, Michael Carol, who clearly has a deep seated loathing of the law would have a field day. Let work it out. If he had a million left in the bank and a copper at £100 each, that would amount to 10,000 of our finest boys in blue looking black and blue. So to the police officer. What incentive does he/she have to go out on the beat knowing that his or her life is only worth £100. Bollocks to that!! I have a friend of mine who's a copper and he has just started the job (2 years in'ish). I, along with the rest of his family and friends are quite proud of what he has achieved and I hope he doesn't stop because of something like this but I wouldn't blame him if he did. Shocking....

What on Earth?

I'm confused. What happened to the Hoff during the TV break? He'd sobered up. What on earth did they give him as a pick me up? Coffee? Red Bull? Lucozade? Cocaine? or all of the above. Very strange. Still all the more entertaining if that was the case.

What has happened to David Hasselhoff?

I had not planned to wake up this morning to GMTV's Entertainment Today's special guest star presenter; David Hasselhoff. But I did. What on earth has happened to the poor man? Its a shame I can't show you a clip. He has clearly walked on set absolutely hammered. It must be the tell tale glazed eyes, the slurred speech and he just can't keep up with the conversation. He's a man who clearly missed his auto cue a couple times along with his bottle of hooch. This performance is surely up there with Oliver Reed and George Best on Parkinson. Well okay perhaps not quite as extreme. It is 8.45am in the morning. I mean how much Jameson's mouthwash can one use at that time of the day? Better still, he's going to sing his new song too. What are the chances of him miming to it?

OK a bit of live commentary, he's chatting up Jennie Falconer on live TV and not letting her getting on with the programme. She's finally asked what he thinks of the new movie 'Click' and he goes on about his life story!!!! Brilliant! The man is Mr Ego in the funniest possible way. It seems like every question he's asked not about himself ends up being about himself. So what do GMTV do but bring out the heavy weight; Richard Arnold. Who you may ask? Exactly!

Despite the intoxicated state (allegdly) that he's in, as the true, out and out professional that is the Hoff, he manages to handle (in the end) the auto cue with style. Go Hoff!!!

Barry and Cheriegate

I don't know what was in Barry Beef's drink last night but what a brilliant conversation. Not that I can remember too much of it.

Just a word Bazza, Cherie has no business in Tony's business. She gives the impression that Tony's not man enough to fight his own battles/demons. Hiding behind mummy's skirt. Awight son.

Down with Tony Blair and up with Caroline Lucas.

(actually this is a re-edit of the original post as upon reading it, it sounded like I had a touch of the old OCD. Oh and reading Bazza's article about Tony and Cherie, I revoke the above comment).

The Wright Stuff

Is the time for daytime TV as I have a few days off. So as I used to, I watched good old Matthew Wright on Five. One of the topics of conversation was about what would women prefer a "Rich Man or a Good Career?". Suprisingly the end poll ended about even. Bloody typical of a women eh. Want everything! For those who don't don't me. That was (very hastily typed in) a joke. More interestingly was the last caller. A man from Manchester who claimed that he was immensley wealthy and his girlfriend still worked. Matthew responded by asking him how much he was worth to which he replied he had £23 Million in the bank.

A couple of things to note.

1) Why is he watching 'The Wright Stuff'.
2) Anyone in their good mind wouldn't disclose that kind of information; especially if they are from Manchester.
3) The question was how much he was worth and not how much he had in the bank. Dunce!
4) He doesn't really have a girlfriend.
5) He doesn't really have £23 million in the bank or his worth.
6) He's probably like most of the Walter Mitties that watch the loan adverts between daytime TV and pretends that he's a millionaire in waiting.

I did say a couple of things didn't I. If you say points 1 to 3 in one sentence and 4 to 6, then those are my couple of points.

Interestingly, I have noticed how the word 'couple' in the context of 'a couple of minutes', is quite an abused word. When someone says 'a couple of days' for some, like myself, means literally two days. For others it means a small number of days, not less than two but no more than four. I know of a bloke at work who mentions what happened the night before, he refers to a whole nights session as having a couple of beers. Or an invitation for boozing would be, 'a couple of beers'. Or describing a technical problem that happened late at night, "the server went down and the network was playing up so I tried to do the best I could but I'd had a couple of beers so now nothing's working". Idiot.

Assume the Lotus Position

It started with a bizzare request from my little sister to diagnose a problem she had with uploading an mp3 track to her mp3 player. Being of the utmost professional, I diagnosed and provided a solution. My point being that upon listening to this mp3, which incidentally is a mediation sort of thing, I actually found better than rolling a big fat one. Highly recommended. Now where's my comission Sis? or friend of my Sis?

http://www.meditainment.com/free_guided_meditation/download.cfm

Fantastic Art

Or FART for short. I enjoy FART. It sets my mind (and my bowels) in motion when ever I view FART. My friend ImmenseSpace appreciates my FART as you may have seen in my previous blog entry. Earlier today while tidying up my bookmark of the usual kind of Consistently Rubbish Art Pieces (CRAP) that one accumulates over time I came across someone elses FART while is astoundly fantastic art (A FART). May I present Image Imagine. There are some genuinely creepy and odd FART.

FOR SALE

For sale. Black and White cat. Female. Not GSOH. Answers to the name of Poo Girl although recently self-christened, Pee Girl. Doesn't like jumping and all things most normal cats do. Is very affectionate though. Reason for sale? Pee'd on my brand new phone. Any offers welcome.

F**king Cats

F**king Cats. I normally write blog entries first thing in the morning with a cup of tea sitting up in bed. So when it was finally time to get up and contribute something to the world I thought I'd find my mobile to give my mate a call to see what she was up to for the day as she has a week off too. And what do I find? My mobile phone on the foot rest, in a puddle of cat pee!!!!! My new'ish phone too. Never have I felt so pissed off in such a long while. Be gone filthy feline!!!! As cat pee contains ammonia and uric acid, I have absolutely no hope whatsoever of recovering it. It was Poo Girl!! Does gender have any relevance in this matter? Not normally but right now yes!!!!Thankfully I've managed to salvage the SIM card but any contacts on the phone have long disappeared. So to those that I knew, Adieu! So Long! Nice knowing you.....

Non Allergic Pussy

Well I never!!! Scientist have bred a type of cat that doesn't cause an allergic reaction in humans. Hurrah. Now we can all have one of these cute little animals running around. I for one am a cat lover. I have two with very distinctive personalities. Poo Girl and Sick Boy (as they are known on the interweb). Wonderful creatures they are. So for the perecntage of the population that can now have one too, how much does it cost to buy one? Just over two thousand pounds. My moggies in contrast cost me next to nothing incomparison. Anyway, cost is nothing when you have such great companions.

Did anyone ever mention that although the scientists have bred out the allergic reaction it still doesn't stop them from ripping clothes and furniture, coughing up hairballs and pooping occassionally where they shouldn't????

BBC article here.

Angels

My good friend Immense Space appreciates the wonders of angels and fairys so I thought I'd mention an atypical feel good Sunday afternoon movie I finished watching a few moments earlier about a smoking, drinking angel. I have absolutely no idea what the film was about as it was background TV. There came a couple of moments where I did almost shed a tear. You know, you can feel it well up inside but the sensible part of you says its only a movie but then, just a little droplet appears out of the corner of your eye. That moment was when the dog got hit by a truck and the angel had to bring him back to life. Que dramatic music for hope and belief and voila! Sparky (the dog) lives!!!! Hooray!!! If no-one has guessed which movie I'm talking about then its "Michael" with Mr All Dancing If Slightly Chubby John Travolta; incidently doing pretty much the same sort of dance moves in Saturday Night Fever. I did mention one other moment of emotion, and that was when he died, not the dog, the angel.

In the name of Health and Fitness

I am waking up this morning with my left elbow in some considerable pain. Why might you ask? Its not because I did press ups. Not because of the bicep curls. Not because of the shoulder or leg presses. No. No. No. It was from carrying my bike after cycling three (level'ish) miles up one flight of steps! Yes one flight of steps. The only benefit I can see from this this is that bending elbow to a point is so painful that if I were tempted by a beer, it wouldn't reach my mouth. You may say that I still have the use of the other arm but I consider it a reminder for me not to grab that can of Kronenburg. At least I can still wipe my .............

Medical Care

Just brilliant. If I was as stupid as some people would like to believe or indeed I thought people were as stupid as they are then they would interpret a BBC headline:

"Healthy LunchBox Advice Offered".

For those who don't know why I find this line amusing. Its a euphemism for a man's wedding tackle/meat and two veg/twig and berries (for some)/The family Jewels/plenipotentiary instrument/turkey neck and gizzards.

Clicking on the link though show's that it has absolutely nothing to do with a man's sexual wellbeing but educational/health advice for kids's meals at lunch time.

Pause for Thought

Good Morning. I have had probably one of the most satisfying nights sleep in years. No. I didn't go out on the pull last night and pick up some lady. I'm talking about a couple of days without booze and fags doing wonders for my well being. Waking up happy and positive.

There was something that occured to me yesterday through some slightly difficult moments while resisting the urge to smoke or go for a drink. That was this. On average a man lives until about 79 years old (here in the UK). That's 28835 days. I have lived 11680 of those so far. I still have 17155 left. If I go by this average figure. With the life I had lived so far, it has been quite a thoughtless one. One day rolls into the next without any care or thought about what I am doing to myself or even for myself. I didn't particularly care about how much I was drinking or smoking until the following morning where I would cough and splutter like an old man and then continue the same routine later on the day. What I ate would amount to the same kind of shit that a pig would eat. I'm not about to preach just because I have seen what I have done to be so senseless as people should find out for themselves. So the moment came when doing this counting my days exercise that I thought, hang on a minute what if I set aside just 3 days of total commitment. No preparation. No reserving of 3 special days out in the country or away on holiday or locked in a padded room. Just that day, I decided to do it. No getting rid of ashtrays etc or the can of beer sitting in my fridge. Just do it. After all I'm always going to be surrounded by that sort of thing.

So here I am. Day 3. Lets see how I go.


Oh. One more thing. Some of you might be thinking, "what's the point in doing it for just three days?". Its three days that are the hardest. I read it somewhere. That's really up to me to find out now isn't?

Booze, Fags and Fitness

I mentioned the concept of getting fit. Working off that poundage around my mid portion. Is this what every thirty something thinks of? I can't recall ever, ever wanting to do that in my twenties but then again I was very much on the skinny side. A little too much for my liking but plenty of beer and late night junk food put that right. Too right. I'm in danger of doing completely the opposite by suggesting that I am taking my first tentative steps to stopping smoking. Just about two days and counting. Without forgetting to mention that I haven't drunk alchohol in as many days too. Already I am starting to understand that what I am feeling is not the anxiety of denying myself these pleasures but my bodys first realisation that it feels better and this is what it was like many years ago. To be without all the crap that continually dulled my senses. I am a little concerned that to maintain this way of life, at least for the first few months that I will need to shun the very friends that I would meet in smoky pubs. As long as I can keep up this healthy life style I'll be happy. I'll also be happy if they too can provide me with some of the support I might need should I feel tempted to do either of the two. I hope you understand Blarney (aka Pickle) and the Fox and my mate D.

Crappy movies and even crappier sci-fi movies

I spent a few moments just before writing this article about the number of women I may possibly offend. Then I thought this isn't about gender just about directors who don't know how to make great or even entertaining sci-fi films with the lead character being female. This afternoon I spent the best part of ninety or so minutes watching some of the worse type of sci-fi in a while. The actual worst still belongs to Battlefield 3000 which has a male lead character. Which I suppose is the only time a woman would actually agree in that context. The film I have been watching is "Ultraviolet". What a load of rubbish. There is no point explaining what the film is about except there are Vampires that they choose initially not to call a vampire but something scientific, a family tragedy, a barmy twist and too much testosterone in the lead female character. Milla Jovovich stars as the hero of the story. Frankly she was only ever great in on movie and that ws the Fifth Element. There's a moment where there is a standoff between the good gal and bad guy in which as she faces hundreds of bad guys, the main bad bloke says "Are you mental?". Would they honestly such a thing in the future? What a load of crap. Oh and a boy that just goes a little too far in the way of saying such wise words to the heroine. Utter rubbish. Another scene where a helicopter hovers above the dying boy and he says whats that sound to which she says its just the wind???!!!!! Since when?????? Utter tripe. Do I care whether she lives or dies? Nope. Finally, as for the acting. There was only one kind of acting that Milla Jovovich was good for and that was the ditzy character in the Fifth Element. Every other type of sci-fi she has starred in has not really worked. She just cannot act. Try the Resident Evil films. Same expression and same mannerism. She should've stuck to her day job. Before you ask; as a model.

That time of the Year

So it is with great joy and happiness that I take a moment to mention by once a year bike ride....to the local grocery shop about a half mile down the road and back again. To put things in context and make a little more sense. I would like to believe myself to be the reluctant keep fit fanatic. As a younger person I spent most of my spare time keeping fit, either going on hugely long cycle rides, at the gym, playing badminton etc.... Getting on that bike was great. The trouble with the part of London that I live in is that most cyclists take their life in their own pedals. Lets see if I can make cycling more than just a once a year event.....