2 Darts - will he ever use the Third ?

Aliens

2007-12-04T22:39:00.000Z

When I was a kid I dreamed of aliens landing on our planet and making contact. I also believed that it would change humanity. Then I realised that bills, mortgage, career and women sprang to mind. Now I've got used to those things being more or less a neccesity in life I ponder yet again about life on another planet. So do scientists. Amusingly I watched a documentary justifying the need to send people to Mars. Mars. Once the confident source of the home world of an alien race hell bent on the destruction of earth...that is until a little bit of tin landed on the surface of the red planet and concluded that it was nothing more than a very cold and barren planet with little atmosphere.

The evidence is clear. There is no life on Mars. But scientists want to prove that life did exist once upon a time. Why bother? If there was any then it has long since gone. Whilst we consume huge amounts of natural resource not to mention the economical dent on tax payers money on pursuing something that will reveal or not reveal themselves to us, shouldn't we be taking care of our home? Have we forgotten that our planet needs looking after like a child does?

Just reading today about the amount of sun lotion spent on in a month should be better used to help reduce our carbon output and to help developing countries do the same too. Why do we persist in chasing something that is nothing more than a remote possibility. Even if we were to find life on another planet. What would it do for us? Would it cure pandemics? Solve world poverty? No. Of course not. We are destined by our very nature to suffer these things due to over population, artificialising medication and manufacture with products not naturally synthesised to help humankind. Just as with any dominant and enlarged entity, humanity will implode and simply disappear for another emerging species to do just the same. Again and again and again. I'm sure this cycle of self destruction will never end. Its just a pattern of life on this planet. Should we fear the end of humankind? I don't think so as I believe we are just a part of a repetitive cycle of a produce of this planet.

Another interesting point make in this documentary was the assumption that carbon and water and amino acids are building blocks for like. Says who? As we may not detect other comibination of chemicals to be catalysts for life, where there are possibly chemicals in existence not on this planet that may interact with traditionally benign earthly chemicals that could create a different kind of life and perhaps on different path of time not familiar to our own.

We really do make too many assumptions to think that we believe what the basic building blocks of life really could be somewhere else.

A rock to us could be a form of life on another planet. But not as we would know it.

TwoDarts, having a tiring day, signing off.

How's your Father?

2007-12-03T21:28:00.000Z

Has this country gone mad??? Sperm donor pays for child.

A spokesman for Human Fertilisation and Embryology Authority (HFEA) said: "The law says that men donating sperm through licensed fertility clinics are not the legal father of any child born through that donation.

....yet the consequence of a civil marriage breaking down is that the male donor has to pay for the children. Am I missing something here? Isn't that the best excuse ever to get divorced and still have your kids looked after ? By someone who legally isn't entitled to anything other than the payment of the child. How emotionally barren is that ?

My reaction is purely emotional and devoid of the legal authority that exists. Sometimes I wonder where the respect for basic human rights have gone? If the father is emotionally detached from his paternal instincts to donate a "child", why should he be penalised for a marriage breakdown not of his own making ?

Or maybe the very idea of donorship is wrong if this is what the law of the land demands in such a case. Would the consequences be the same for an adopted child? Who would be responsible for the child's well being financially if a same sex partnership fail? or indeed a hetrosexual partnership?

The mechanism for sperm donor's should promote an emotional detachment from a very natural process of giving life for the donor and in this respect the detachment should also apply financially and morally.

My question then is, what has this case done to the numerous donors; out of the sheer selfless act of donating their sperm or egg affected a childless couple some hope of having a family of their own?

Everyone who wishes to have a child of their own but cannot may wish to pursue this avenue, but because the law wishes to make the accountable not accountable and vice versa at times, where is the acceptable middle ground?

The problem is with what marriage means to people these days. Lets not make children an excuse or a reason for our own failures.

Marriage in any sense is a commitment for life just like a child. Why do we persist these days to make it a convience when we find it convinient? and a legal "get out clause" when things get a little rough?

Bring up a child when your ready to bring up a child and not because its a fashionable statement.

Note: By no means do I suggest that this is biased to a gender partner preference. Grow up and remember what it was like to be a child first before you realise how much love you can give them.

God

2007-11-14T18:40:00.000Z

As some of you know, my opinion of religion can rub certain people up the wrong way. Once upon a time I knew of a lady who had a particulary close association with the guy/gal in the sky who told me that one day I would return to believe in God. It was a casual comment. Yet somehow this stuck in my mind. Every so often I think of what she mean't by that. I was brought up to believe in God and for reasons mention in previous entries I don't. I do however think about what she said. God has a mention in Wikipedia. One line in it says "the source of all moral obligation". Would it be inappropriate to say that individuals are sources of moral obligation? Surely the leaders of our land are obliged to fulfill a moral obligation if there was an alternative arguement. Whatever the arguement, I have discovered a book by Richard Dawkins which seems to provide a solid debate on the issue. I have yet to read it. Scientists continually through their own practice try to dispprove of the notion of a higher being. Could it also be by their own actions that they are by the sum of all their discoveries prove that God does indeed exist but not in the way God is traditionally protrayed? Just for a moment, put on a different hat and perhaps realise that the language that we speak may not always be so accurate to describe a higher being. What if either through ancient text or mathematics we are all describing the same thing? I think that inside our hearts and soul that there is a force that breathes life into every component of everything.....absolutely everything.

Test of Time

2007-11-14T18:11:00.000Z

Its been a while since I've written something on this blog. A lot of time seems to have passed and yet hardly any time at all. Some of my fellow bloggers have long since left the blogging scene in favour of Facebook.

I too sucumbed to the temptation of Facebook. As it has matured and gone are the people's idea that to be popular is to have a zillion "friends" listed on facebook, its has become quite an important tool for communicating with long lost friends and family or for friends and family that live too far away to be practical for a visit.

Update so far in the world of 2Darts:

Lewis Hamilton didn't win this years grand prix. If he did then the world would truly be a perfect place to live in but alas this isn't so.

Gone is the single life for 2Darts. And I might add I announce this with much celebration. Gone are the hedonistic days, the days of kebabs are but a distant memory. As is the many nights of boozing and shameful behaviour. Yes, I've joined a convent. No. Actually it is the love of a good woman that should me the righteous path.

Has blogging had its day with me? I don't think so.

I've spent the last couple of months catching up with the real world and the real world is full of friends getting married and having babies. Its a joy to hear one friend of mine has recently given birth to a son. And I feel chuffed to bits as she and I grew up in the days of reckless behaviour and to find a real life outside the now senseless partying that once consumed and apparently fulfilled our lives. Everybody moves on. For some it takes a life time and for others it is now. It must be an inbuilt mechanism that tells us when we are ready to do the right thing. Are we pre programmed to follow this path? It seems so when you believe that is the way forward. I used to think that you could predict the future. Cover every eventuality; but even then, something out of the ordinary happens, something you think may never happen and it suddenly does. I guess sometimes we wish to think that our lives are set before us and then........and then.

A Dark Day for Formula 1 Grand Prix

2007-09-13T19:55:00.000+01:00

Am I a McLaren fan? Yes. Do I think Ron Dennis is an honest man? Yes. Do I think the penalty given to the team is unfair? Yes. Do I think the World Motorsport Council has got it wrong? Maybe.

I was shocked to hear amount of the fine imposed on McLaren. Then I found out that the team would lose all its constructors points. Even worse. $100 millon. Will we ever hear about how the WMC came to its conclusion? Probably not. I for one would think that the public need to know about the why's and what, and how's to better understand the judgement. The team by virtue of the huge penalty imposed on them will certainly take away sponsorship for the team. How on earth can they send the most competitive team to the gallows? It is a complex turn of events leading to the risk of undermining the pinacle of motorsport that is F1. What does the FIA now need to do in order to ensure the integrity of the sport. A single engine manufacturer sport? Not likely. F1 allows car manufacturers to advance motor technology and feed their technology to the everyday man. Think BMW with the development of F1 technology into road cars. V10 engines in their M Sport division. Suspension geometry to the masses. Braking technology saving peoples lives. And lets not forget tire technology. Although it is a sport, it is an advancement in motoring technology that benefits all. The last time we had a huge technological leap in transport was through several furious wars. Do we really need to do that? No. Sport provides much the same for improvement and innovation in technology.

Hopefully history will see this as a blip in F1 and not a turning point in the degeneration our approach to what we gain from a very interesting, strategic driven sport.

F1 does not appeal to everyone. And nor is it supposed to. Football, Rugby, Tennis, Basketball to me is akin to Street Fighter, Doom, R-Type (for those old enough to know) and Pac man. A quick fix of competitive sports. F1 is more like Age of Empire and other suitable strategy based games. There is plenty of chess play involved in F1. The subtle psychological battle field played both on and off the arena. Where for the ill informed or uninitiated, its a bunch of fast cars going round and round a circuit. Some may say that the sport has been diluted and that the spectacle of a car bursting into flames was part of the excitement is lost. This isn't a sport of brutality. It is a game of the utmost in professionalism. Of course there are the diva mentalities of the drivers which is part and parcel of the sport.

This years competition and competitiveness of two great drivers in McLaren should not be overshadowed by the spy scandal that looms over what has been so intriguing so far. What F1 has been missing is not the overtaking and sheer speed of old but the rivalry of totally brilliant and engaging driver personalities. Does this sound like a formula for a sporting soap opera? Of course it is. It is very much like a drama unfolding over a year and not like the total orchestrated dominance of one driver and one team that was Ferrari. The FIA listened to the paying public in our outrage of unsporting behaviour withing Ferrari and changed the rules accordingly to provide a fairer racing spectacle. Irvine and Barichello suffered at the hands of a team in love with a driver who although was somewhat of a miracle and a natural successor to Senna, discredited the sport. This recent event is clearly not on the same level. Espionage has been part of the make up of F1. How else would it have worked in the first place?

Another thing to consider is how this has come to be. Well into this years season and some wrong doing was discovered by who else but Ferrari. Miffed at not employing the world champion, although supposedly doing well to poach Raikkonen from McLaren, Ferrari knew from the start of the season that the opportunity to stamp their dominance on the sport was to be an aborted re-birth. Seeing the new talent Hamilton, a loyal servant to McLaren steal away points right from the start, initiated an intensity of suspicion that would accumulate in this terrible mark on the sport. Can I be bold enough to even suggest that Ferrari made a sacrificial lamb of Nigel Stepney. With his knowledge of intent to deliberately entrap McLaren to be a suspect of spying on Ferraris technology and strategy. Would Ferrari be willing to win the title by delibrately framing McLaren to win this years title? As distasteful as it may sound and also as biased as it may sound from me (after all we are all faced with taking sides now), could it be possible that Ferrari would stoop so low to win a title after the embarrassment of Renault winning twice.

On track form would suggest that McLaren had a rubbish time of it for the last two years. They could have done with a helping hand to be so successful this year. But just look at McLaren's conservate strategy for the times they did dominate the sport. Yes, through fairness towards its drivers and compliancy through the regulations and rules put to the sport. Ferrari regularly would push the boundaries of acceptable behaviour ultimately undermining the rules of the game. Some might say that they identified the weaknesses of the rules. Others might say that they took advantage of the bias of the members of the council. Let us be clear that Ferrari have always been close to being the death of F1. It is through their own arrogance that we are in the position that we are. Ever closer to F1 losing its identity and authority in the world of motorsport.

Most of all I feel sorry for Ron Dennis. A man greatly regarded as the most professional team bosses in Formula 1. His reputation more than tarnished. A man who has built career, reputation and "family" on the one thing special to him. You only have to look at how he has shaped the career and future of a young man from child to adulthood. Why? Because he believes. There are those like me who only believe in one thing about Ron Dennis, that he is the most sincerest operator in Formula 1. I hope this judgement will not see out an amazing man's career. The sport needs Ron Dennis. The sport needs McLaren.

The Spanish Inquisition

2007-09-10T22:01:00.000+01:00

Speaking to a friend of mine this afternoon he mentioned his trip to the Belgium grand prix. His first trip to see one. A virgin. Good for him I say. I hope to do so one day too. We moved on to the subject of our favorite racing driver Diva, Fernando Alonso. It is absolutely scandalous in my opinion to think that McLaren, a team of great integrity has been already tarred and feathered with allegations of cheating. A couple of weeks ago they were aquitted for involvement in espionage. Ferrari naturally not happy with the outcome were keen to pursue this case. I for one believe that although justice should be served if there was evidence of wrong doing am satisfied by reputation alone of McLaren that no cheating was involved.

So now we turn to recent eveents that once again threaten McLaren's reputation as an honest F1 team. And what better starting point than a communication between the World Champion and the reserve driver. Alonso has never hidden from the fact that he believes the team favours the british driver (Hamilton), because the team is essentially British and that Hamilton has been bred since he was a little acorn (awww) to be "The One". His miserable attempt to sabotage Hamilton's Turkish grand prix was nothing but childish. His arrogance to suggest that any team on the grid would be willing to give him number one status in their team is nothing short of laughable. Sure Spyker would do it......for the money, but for reputation? Not a team like McLaren. Does Lewis Hamilton's performance have something to do with the car? Yes. Favoritism? No. They have a world champion driving for them after all. What would be the better bet at the begining of the season? Alonso of course. But Hamilton is something of a miracle.Ok. Not a miracle, but something unexpected. Jenson Button had and has comparable talent too. McLaren are all about exploiting the natural ability of its drivers. Each driver has his own dedicated engineering team and both have an overall strategist to squeeze the maximum performance from the team as a whole.

Lets not forget Hamilton's proven ability to succeed. McLaren want the constructors title. To do that they need both drivers to excel in every race. Why on earth would they favour one driver to the detriment of the other? They'd want a 1-2 in any combination.

So to the latest. Alonso has been implicated in the scandal. Was there a secretive pact to obtain and use information from Ferrari to gain the upper hand. Maybe. One man's selfish desire to win? With Alonso's recent admission to preferring to land the drivers championship over the constructors title surely alludes to a lack of team spirit and being disassociated with the amibitions of the team. A very disappointing attitude indeed. Would Alonso be content in the dismise to a great team's reputation? Questionable. His ability to publically exercise his lack of loyality to the team that have paid him to work for them is not good. McLaren would be better off trying to poach Button.

One of Those Days

2007-09-01T07:04:00.000+01:00

Waking up to a hangover is never fun. Hangovers are either bad headaches and sore limbs or that fuzzy, still a little pissed feeling. I recall the moment I began stumbling down that boozy road. Bad day at the office and in need of a drink. Seemed like a mate of mine needed one too. So off down the local boozer for beer and a whinge. Fast forward to this morning. Check the phone for evidence of boozy texting or calling. None. Phew! Bruises? Nope. Bank balance? Not sure. Getting too old for that kind of lark? Definitely!

Having something in Common

2007-08-26T18:33:00.000+01:00

Whilst watching wife swap and its interesting ability to pitch people together with totally different social extremities noticed the bit with the inevitable boozy party. Posh family against working class "mum" and vice-versa. Once everyone has had a couple of shandies, everyone seems to make a complete twat of them selves on the same level. This also extends to weddings, funerals, birthday's etc. Does booze bring people together onto same level? Seems like it.

Harry Enfield.

2007-08-09T09:35:00.000+01:00

What's happened to that genius of a comic. I found this YouTube clip for your amusement.

Scientology....makes yer skin crawl

2007-08-04T14:58:00.000+01:00

I've spoken about Scientology previously. This cult, erm religion has caused a lot of controversy.

Whilst basking in the warm of the first proper summers day in good old blighty I mentioned noted that a friend of mine had jokingly inputted Scientology as his religion of choice. More orignal than putting down Satanism. I mean that is sooooo old religion/cult. So we discussed the strangeness of the whole idea behind Scientology let alone the theory about how humans were created from bits of alien flesh fused together by an exploding volcano.

So this morning's hangover cure was a dose of the Panorama programme about Scientology. A friend had recommended that I watch it. After close to thirty minutes of watching the creepy man in black harrassing the poor BBC reporter, I too felt like I was being watched.

Scientology adopt a fair game policy which means tha anyone who actively speaks out against the cult, erm religion will be subjected to intrusive harrassment and targeted for defamation of character or worse public humiliation. Good enough reason not to piss them off I suppose. As I watched more of this it occurred to me that if they are left alone then they pretty much keep themselves to themselves. Am I being a little sympathetic? No, not at all. Give them an inch and they will quite possibly take a mile.

As you know I am not an advocate of religion as I find the whole idea of it segregates people rather than integrates them. Whether Scientology is a religion or a cult, it still amounts to the same thing. Like any young religion, it feels threatened and encourages paranoia within. They film ever encounter with non believers who supposedly give them a hard time. Laughable really. But then you think about the Crusades. What was that all about but to protect the Christian faith. Hindu's and Muslims have fought each other for centuries. Religions mature eventually into peaceful ways of life. There will always be a few nutters who claim to be the protectors of the faith through violence and intimidation. But those are few. Scientology in its infancy just has a lot of them at the moment. Of course I don't blame them for being paranoid. But I do think that they just do not do themselves any favours whatsoever in their agression and verbally threatening manner. What is more useful for them, to coin a phrase from some other loony religion is "to turn the other cheek". It works for a few million of them.

After watching the programme and a couple of other more amateurish anti-Scientology clips, the phone rang. Expecting it to be my parents I was greated by a bloke with a dodgy northern accent. He was calling from Consumer Awareness or something like that. The cynic in me said sales person. It was at the point when he asked for the value of the property that I got a little paranoid. Have those creepy men and women from Scientology tracked me down already? When can I expect posters of me and details of my misdemeanours be put up in shop windows?

Scientology doesn't like being referred to as a cult; its more like a religion. But I'm afraid that it has already reached cult status. Much like Mulder and Scully.

Have you noticed the Scientology symbol? Why on earth is it similar to the Christian symbol of Jesus's crucifiction cross? Not very original is it. Especially for a cult, erm religion that claims to originate from outer space. Where are the UFO's and laser beams?

One last thing. When will they start doing door to door rounds? I don't see my regular Jehovah's gang these days? Where have they gone? What have they done with them? Creepy.....

Frank Butcher Dies

2007-07-30T09:14:00.000+01:00

Mike Reid who played Frank Butcher died. Hats off to a fine actor and most remembered for me in Runaround.

Pot, Kettle, Black?

2007-07-29T12:15:00.000+01:00

Dunno. Kettle?

Super Heroes

2007-07-25T07:36:00.000+01:00

For a while, in the back of my mind I've been thinking of Super Hero names for my friends some of who have been mentioned in my blog. Everyone deserves a super hero name.

The Fox
Romeo Tony
Sambuca Girl aka The Babe aka Maggie
Mr Magners
Darsh Vader
Angelic
The Boy (his own contribution)
The Leaf
The Mother
The Dom-inator
Fire Fly aka Scoobz
Smoke and Mirrors
Exxon
Hub Cap
Freezer Frost
Logic
The Bull
Guiness

I'll think of some more later.

Weather

2007-07-24T08:11:00.000+01:00

I rather foolishly thought about being in Britain and being subjected to torrential rain and widespread flooding wasn't so bad as being hit by hurricanes or unbelievable droughts that have hit parts of the African continent. My neighbour and I spoke briefly yesterday morning about the virtues of living in a first floor flat and how this years flooding of our road was a little more hairy than before. Oh how we laughed.

Then I saw the pictures and film footage of flooding in parts of the country. People have lost their lives. People starving, and people believe it or not are thirsty. All that water and not a drop to drink.

One thing I will say to those Chavvy kids with their Pitbulls letting them crap on pavements and peoples lawns. That'll teach you to think twice about doing that again. Think about every time you've seen a dog, cat, fox, squirrel or person, piss or shit on the pavement or shop enterance or lawn and then think about the fact that the stuff never goes away. Then think about having to wade in knee height water.......hopefully without any cuts or grazes.

The entire public transport system grinds to a halt, people stranded for days in areas they would rather not be without warmth, food or water. Property destroyed. We seem so protected from natural disasters that affect other parts of the world. Its only when it comes/floats to our doorstep that we finally understand what other people have felt.

Is the recent flooding a consequence of mankind? You betcha!

Being Content

2007-07-08T22:48:00.000+01:00

Contentment is something that is easy to come by or very elusive. Some people find contentment in the very simplest of things. Some people find it bettter to create something complex perhaps because they want it to be that way.

Drink or drugs or both at the same time can make a person feel content. Running for twenty miles may do it for someone else. What ever the resolve, it works. I've been wondering what truly makes someone happy. Is it the company they keep? The copious amounts of stimulants? What is it? And why sometimes does it feel like a temporary fix? I think everyone has a desire to attain this nirvana. Not the temporary bit but the permanent bit.

I don't think that life ever delivers exactly what we want or desire on a permanent basis. Usually through our own imperfections I think that sometimes we desire for those cosy, nice things to be just temporary. Is that more of a reflection of a desire to live our lives more in a society so regimental and strict that occasionally its okay to fuck things up once in a while just so that it challenges our characters?

When wars don't happen, we want war. When its the other way around there is nothing more desirable than peace. Is it human nature to have these little wars? Or big ones? Sounds like sometimes its a desire to feel noticed. Or loved in a twisted way.

Even the most comfortable position that we can be in sometimes falters a little. Maybe to fuck up is to improve. With every iteration of cocking something is only for a desire to be better than we are.

2Darts not on drugs but just thinking very deeply about things. Oh and a crap week.

Weddings and Terror

2007-07-06T12:58:00.000+01:00

I pissed myself laughing at the following news snippet.

President Musharraf, presidental plane was shot at by an anti-aircraft gun as it took off from a Pakistani airport.

A journalist interviews a local resident in Pakistan asking him about the gun shots. The man replies,

"I heard the gun shots and at first I thought is was a wedding......then I realised it was a terrorist attack!"

Clearly anti-aircraft guns are all the rage at pakistani weddings!

Losing My Religion

2007-07-06T09:59:00.000+01:00

Actually I don't have one to lose. I had a moment of inspiration the other day but it took me a while to get round writing this one down.

Can a person have more than one religion to follow? Here are some interesting cominbations:

Mormon and Paganism
Jainism and Taoism
Rastafari and Hinduism
Islam and Judaism
Baha'i and Sikhism
Christianity and Santeria

Your wondering why I've paired them up. To add a little controversy. There's clearly one that screams controversy. Or does it?

Many of the faiths believe in a higher being. So there's a common theme. Theoretically, both religions should happily co-exist. So in their purest form and to follow what those religions dictate to the letter and without interpretation would mean we would all live in peace and harmony. Not so fast.

Its the manipulation of religion that makes a point of segregation. Our wonderful land is a testiment to all followers of all religions who don't do the "my religion is better than your religion" trick. We all live happily ever after. Its those who choose to play that game that ruin the party.

Personally, I think that if I join every single faith, then I should be okay with everyone. Where do I sign?

Climate

2007-07-05T08:46:00.000+01:00

Great Britain and in particular London has had the most freakish of weathers this week. One merry afternoon whilst enjoying a tipple of the finest in my local drinking establishment, I noticed the clouds darken and the day turn to night in just a few minutes. The last time that happened, a tornado struck London. This time, it was, rain. Lots and lots and lots of rain. Then multiple lightining strikes within seconds of each other. Hail stones. Is this the beginning of more to come? For all the creative licence the director and producers had of the film "The Day after Tomorrow", through exaggeration they clearly knew how to make a point. Most adults living will have noticed how the weather patterns have changed dramatically over the last twenty five years. I have. First it was the snow, then the sunshine, the lack of rain one moment and then the sheer quantity of the stuff. Droughts in a country that has seen more rain than ever before? For once, I think mother nature is on top of us and I suspect that the political will and economics of this country will be too slow to adapt to the new minor natural disasters we will face. Millions of pounds have already been lost in just a few days of heavy rain. And I still am grateful that at least we aren't as hard up as some other countries which have huge problems with prolonged flooding and drought. I find that although we are experiencing mini versions of them, we can at least appreciate what it is those poor souls have been through.

Stay of Execution for the Sports and Social Smoking ban

2007-07-02T07:12:00.001+01:00

HOT OFF THE PRESS. The Sports and Social is now an outdoor pub....All the lines are being re-worked out in the court yard. Extensions of the bar at the designated smoking outlets. Shouldn't these reserved smoking areas have kiosks selling cigarettes too?

As the A-Force quite rightly said in his article about our friendly barmaid now denied her favorite past time of cleaning the ashtray's every five seconds. What is there to do? I see constructive dismissal here. Bring out the lawyers! Unions Reps! Injury Lawyers4U! Come to thee!

Paris Hilton

2007-07-02T06:27:00.000+01:00

Is the whole jail thing yet another publicity stunt for a gullible American audience? I say America, and it only happens in America, a current affairs programme decides to lead in the day's news with the story of Paris Hiltons release.

The most irritating thing about it all is the fact that as the poor lady protests (I'm 100 percent behind her), her wimpy anchor man not only takes the piss but sounds so condescending I'm totally suprised that she didn't slap in the face. Oh and to top it off, he has to cheek to mention that her Dad thought she was a mouse and this was her way of proving the opposite! Go get some balls man and back up your team mate!

The thing that makes it all the more ridiculous is they were adament on showing the Paris Hilton clip when the following news was of a more important nature...Watch the YouTube clip and see for yourself.

The only other really good thing about mentioning Paris Hilton is that I might get a slightly above average readership, probably mostly from spotty teenage geeks or fathers in mid-life crisis though.

A Twist on the Nigerian Scam

2007-06-30T10:32:00.000+01:00

We've all heard of them. Been approached by them, and maybe even been tempted by them. Yes, its the old favorite. The Nigerian scam. Money either won/inherited/aquirred somehow is ready to be collected. Cool. Hopefully most of my readers are not stupid enough to fall for it. I know it looks a little long but trust me, you'll love it.

Internet dating has advanced this scam. It has evolved.

I'll make the introduction to this tale brief so you can read the juicy bits.

Day 1:
2Darts sign's on to a dating site. Within three days a hot looking lady approaches me. Flattery gets all men everywhere. So brilliant. In there, loving the attention.

Day 4:
More conversation. The poor cow hints that she is about to come into a lot of money from Nigeria and she doesn't have a bank account so she needs to fly out there. She's also about to be kicked out of her friend's flat. She doesn't have a job either. After much discussion I tell her that the whole Nigerian thing is a scam. After much convincing she says no more about it. I know she's on to a scam by this stage.

Day 5: Kicking out day. Panic sets in to the silly tart and she begs me for £350. No I say but being the kind Dart that I am I feel the need to give her some advice. Clearly in one ear and out the other.

Day 6: Nothing

Day 7: Email to say she's at a hotel packing for Nigeria. She leaves that day. I am pissing myself laughing.

Day 8: In Nigeria, going to get the money soon she says.

The rest is documented below.

Show Recent Messages (F3)

BUZZ!!!
Kelly lauren: hello babe
2Darts: hello
Kelly lauren: gudmorning babe
Kelly lauren: hw was your night
Kelly lauren: i missed you
2Darts: Good thanks.
Kelly lauren: that means yu really enjoyself last night
Kelly lauren: i was indoor after i got back from the lawyer babe
2Darts: Yes. Sorry. So tell me what happened
Kelly lauren: he said ,he will need to collect part of his payment before he can render any
services
2Darts: And wat did you do?
Kelly lauren: i explained to hin but he wouldnt listen babe
2Darts: and?
Kelly lauren: he said ,he must collect part payment before anything can be done and i went
back to the company but they also said i must get a lawyer before anything can be done
2Darts: So what are you going to do?
Kelly lauren: i dont know babe
Kelly lauren: i was just indoor since yesterday crying babe
2Darts: Can you not borrow money from your step mum?
Kelly lauren: dont even think about that babe
2Darts: Sounds like you're going to have to come back to England and start looking for a
job.
Kelly lauren: even to fly back is a problem bcos i only buy one way ticket
2Darts: Looks like you're stuck in Nigeria.
Kelly lauren: i will do anything to get the money out of this country babe
2Darts: My advice is to go to the British Consulate or Embassy and they will be able to help
you get back home.
Kelly lauren: even if we be for me to sleep aroound ...i will get that money out of here
2Darts: It just show's what more important to you in life then. Clearly it isn't your
dignity.
Kelly lauren: i know you can help me but you will want to ...which i dont know why
2Darts: You have shown your true colours Kelly. The only thing important in life to you is
money. Good luck with it.
Kelly lauren: nope babe
Kelly lauren: hw could you say that 2Darts
2Darts: Because you said that you'd even sleep around to get money. That makes you a
prostitute. Don't you get it?
Kelly lauren: you know i will never do that babe
2Darts: You said you would. Look. Just follow my advice and find the British Embassy.
They'll give you a free ticket back to England. That's of course if you really are in
Nigeria. Good bye.
Kelly lauren: for you leaving me ...that really showed that you are a good friend
2Darts: No. You aren't listening to a word I have said.
Kelly lauren: i did babe
Kelly lauren: dont you know that since yesterday even have not eating bcos i cant afford it
Kelly lauren: i dont have a dime with me babe
2Darts: Kelly, go to the Embassy, get back to England. Go home to your step-mum and find
yourself a job. Act like a grown up.
2Darts: Do you know what an Embassy is?
Kelly lauren: ok
Kelly lauren: i know babe
Kelly lauren: 2Darts,can you do this for me this morning
2Darts: How Kelly? You have no contact details. No address in Nigeria. How would they know
where you are?
BUZZ!!!
Kelly lauren: i will go there and meet them babe
Kelly lauren: but the hotel that i lodge sized all my travelling document bcos i want to pay
them
2Darts: Which city are you in?
Kelly lauren: ota
Kelly lauren: babe,i need 100pounds from you this morning babe
2Darts: How would I give that to you?
Kelly lauren: let me ask the hotel accountant that my fiancee what want to pay there bills
from uk ....that how they get it babe and i will find my way to the embassy babe
2Darts: I'm not your fiancee
Kelly lauren: pls do this for me 2Darts
Kelly lauren: sorry my friend
2Darts: The embassy will pay for your hotel too. Just get yourself there.
2Darts: What is the name of the Hotel?
Kelly lauren: cant you do this for me instead of telling the embassy for evertyhing
Kelly lauren: the name of the hotel is travellers hotel
2Darts: That is what the embassy is there for Kelly. Its quicker. What are the full address
details.
Kelly lauren: i know you really want to help me babe
Kelly lauren: but i will get to the embassy myslef and i will explain things for them babe
Kelly lauren: i just neeed to pay the hotel so that i can get out of here
2Darts: Phone the embassy from the Hotel.
Kelly lauren: i need to pay what i owed them
2Darts: The Embassy willl pay them.
2Darts: Explain to the hotel that you need to phone the embassy because of your situation.
Kelly lauren: i cant be requestion for 100pounds from the embassy
Kelly lauren: they will not allow they disconnected the phone room babe
Kelly lauren: pls help me with 100pounds babe
Kelly lauren: let me know if you can do this for me babe
2Darts: Ask to use the hotel phone.
2Darts: Explain your situation to them. Be absolutely truthful and they will understand that
you need to call the embassy because you are in trouble.
Kelly lauren: ok.....can you help me with 100pounds this morning babe
2Darts: I will phone the Embassy in Nigeria to help you. Thanks for telling me where you
are. I will tell them that you are staying at the Hotel in Oka and tell them of your
situation.
2Darts: They will then come and get you. You see. Problem solved.
Kelly lauren: i still need to eat this morning babe.....i am not feeling ok
Kelly lauren: i need this 100pounds from you and i want you to give me babe
2Darts: They will me there within half and hour after I have contacted them.
Kelly lauren: so you cant help me on your own....right?
2Darts: I'm too far away....Someone will be at the hotel in half an hour. Promise. They will
pay the hotel and give you food and a ticket home.
2Darts: I have already help you by contacting the Embassy. They will be on there way now.
Kelly lauren: i just tell the account just now,she said if you can send the money via
westernunion that i will get it in 20mins babe
2Darts: I've already phoned the Embassy while I've been typing. They are already on there
way to see you. So pack your bags. Your going now! Isn't that good news?
Kelly lauren: good news but if they are not here
Kelly lauren: cant you help me with 100pounds?
2Darts: Can you ask the reception to give me correct address just to be sure.
Kelly lauren: can you help me with what am requestion from you now or not?
2Darts: Give me the account details.
Kelly lauren: let me ask her
Kelly lauren: wo you want to help with 100pounds or what
2Darts: Just give me the account details
Kelly lauren: 2Darts.....do you want to help me with the 100pounds or not?
2Darts: Why else would I ask for the account details.
Kelly lauren: ok....let me go nd get it for you 2mins
Kelly lauren: i got it babe
2Darts: Ok.
Kelly lauren: Name: MATTHEW JONES

City : Oka

State : Ogun

Country : Nigeria

Text Question : Who Care?

Answer : 2Darts
Kelly lauren: this what she said i shuld give to you babe
2Darts: ....and I need the address too.
2Darts: The money transfer people over here will not do anything without the address.
Kelly lauren: he said that is all you need babe
2Darts: The man at the shop needs it for his records. He said to me that sometimes people
accidentally give the wrong information so he has to cross reference it.
Kelly lauren: let me ask
Kelly lauren: wait
2Darts: ok
Kelly lauren: Address: 10,david close,oka,Ogun
BUZZ!!!
Kelly lauren: you get it?
2Darts: Yep.
Kelly lauren: what do you want to do now?
BUZZ!!!
2Darts: I will have to go to the shop now and give the details. How does he want it? Cash or
Cheque?
Kelly lauren: cash ..will be fine babe
Kelly lauren: but am not sure you are going to help me
Kelly lauren: i doubt it if you are going to do it
2Darts: Why do say that?
Kelly lauren: that is what i just felt babe and i will be glad if you can do this for me
babe and let me get out of this country ...pls
Kelly lauren: all i need is just 100pounds babe
Kelly lauren: tell me the truth 2Darts.....are you going to help me with this money?
2Darts: just a minute..
Kelly lauren: what?
2Darts: just a minute.....I need to feed the cats
2Darts: Ok. Back now.
2Darts: are you still there?
BUZZ!!!
BUZZ!!!
Kelly lauren: talk hun
Kelly lauren: so i will know what to do
2Darts: I need to go to the shop. So I will be about an hour as there a lots of people
sending money to Nigeria. I shall contact you soon.
BUZZ!!!
Kelly lauren: dont bother sending it bcos i know you are not going to send it
Kelly lauren: take good care of urself
2Darts: Why are you being so mean?
Kelly lauren: its bcos i know that you will not send the money
2Darts: I'm not stupid enough to fall a scam like this. Not only that but I am reporting you
as well. Its been enjoyable leading you on though. Thanks.

Scamtastic eh!

Ricky Hatton

2007-06-24T11:08:00.000+01:00

Well done Ricky Hatton (British Boxer for those who don't know) for knocking seven bells out of Jose Luis Castillo. I currently don't have those great, but over priced sports channels at home at the moment so I missed the occasion. Never the less, another loose tongued, hot aired boxer hits the canvas at Hattons feet. Floyd Mayweather has surely got to be the setup of the year should it happen. Most likely it will. You may have noticed other another great fighter in the picture, no, you thought I was going to say out lad Rooney, no. Barrera. Incidentally, what is Shrek doing there anyway? And why has he got his fist up like that? Does he want some? eh! eh! eh! Probably one of his more embarrassing photos I think.

Face Book group

2007-06-23T14:05:00.000+01:00

Yo! Yo! Check it out.

Face Book group called "The Greyhound - Streatham"

I bumped into this group accidentally whilst laughing at the crap alternative entrance Opening of Streatham Common courtesy of a friend of mine who announced she group the group.

Urban patois I didn't think could ever be put into a written form unlike Patois but then this is what I discovered in the group mention earlier.

"lol fair play keep doin wot ur doin famzi itz good to rep yer yer the place woz gd init i told peeps in the endz about it stil but lol just havent reached the extent u hav lol. Keep it up!! "

Erm.....I'll have an ice cream with that. Actually I do understand what it means. Sort of.

Oh. Incidentally, the person replying to the above message strangely wrote in regular English. Truly a multi-linguist.

The FB...ieeeee!!

2007-06-23T08:59:00.000+01:00

What a phenonenomenomn. Hell I can't spell it without looking it up. Not only that, it's the weekend and in the tradition of a Friday night one got a little hammered last night so I cannot be bothered. Although these day's 2darts is trying to be a little kinder to himself. Less of everything. Moderation is the defining word for me.

FB; or as we know it, Face Book. The huge success that allows people to communicate with each other. Some people may ask, "waz wrong with using a telephone aye? aye?". Its voyeuristic appeal for one. Finding long lost friends and family members, people who owe you money or indeed you owe them and stalking are some of the things that people can do with Facebook. Its other appeal is to arrange big social occasions sucessfully because people are always on it.

I attended such an event, three friends celebrating their birthday. Pretty good event too.

I am currently seeking out family members. Not as easy as it seems but with the help of my trust sided kick, my aunt, I have managed to find a few. Most of whom I haven't seen since they were in nappies and terrorising 2darts.

Looking for a......

2007-06-22T11:18:00.000+01:00

"Hi my name is liz9834 and I'm looking for a real man." - Discuss.

One of the worlds most ridiculous things to say on a dating site. Clearly this person saw the error of her ways and never realised that all the card board cutout geezers, and the inflatable man from the tyre shop were just not going to provide her with the support and love she needed. Finally, a friend stepped in and suggested that she should find a real man instead.

Hell, that's my interpretation to the statement.

"Mustn't have a face like a number 92 bus." - I've never seen a number 92 bus. I shalll find a picture of one....just in case. Are the men in this world going to hold up a picture of a Number 92 bus in front of a mirror and then finally decide whether or not its fine to reply to this lady?

As I'm getting a little tired of the tedium of dating sites, as a parting shot one day I shall change my profile to an alter ego and request the following just to see how many replies I get.

"Hi may name is evil2darts7654. And I'm looking for a woman with fake boobs, streaky fake tan. I find those tide marks around the neck line especially attractive. Must have had botox in the following areas, bottom, lips, forehead and chin. Anymore is a bonus. Should have an interest in spend loads of my money. Preferrably on the first date."

Me grumpy? No.

Where's that beginners guide to celibacy?

Wine and Women.

2007-06-21T18:34:00.000+01:00

Not one to stereotype but why oh why in soaps do they always have women hitting the vino after a disasterous moment with a man? What's that all about? What no beer? Are we all to believe that this is representative of women everywhere in that situation? What about getting hammered on Scrumpy Jack or moonshine whiskey? Special Brew? Methys?

What's kicked this off? A crap day and Hollyoaks.

Have you ever seen a bloke drowning his sorrows with a glass of Pinot Grigio? No way! Whiskey! A bottle of non-descript spirits. Hardcore to the max. What does this say about the media? Birds drink wine and blokes drink hardcore industrial strength spirits. Come on now......

Things Not to Do

2007-06-21T08:56:00.000+01:00

Before I start, some of things that are about to be mentioned are contribution from friends that really shouldn't have done and were warned about. Clearly there are things I shouldn't have either.

Never buy cheap blue things that you put in your cistern tank knowing that they only last for three flushes.
Never allow a cat litter tray to get over populated with cat turd as the bath makes just nice a tray.
Never promise to stop smoking and inform everyone that you have to then to have ones resolve broken after a couple of pints.
Facebook people after a marathon drinking session.
Never buy a kebab after a marathon drinkning session ..........with onions on it.
Never attempt to date three ladies in one night in quick sucession.
Never stagger into a pub with date number three when date number two is just around the corner.
Never ignore person you met the night before in a drunken stupor even though they are trying to make eye contact with you.
Never improve on a Carribean curried goat recipe when the person who gave you the recipe knows better.

Bloody PC

2007-06-19T22:14:00.000+01:00

Politically Correct is a reaction and a consequence of idiots like the late Bernard Mannning who's deluded idea of what is funny got the PC brigade in full riot gear. Nothing new about racist people making racist jokes. PC'ness has had its knee jerk reactions and its quiter moments. The nineties and especially when I was a student brought on PC extremism. Or does it still exist? I don't know. I'm no bloody student anymore. Bloody students! No good, lazy, idealists!.....just kidding. I remember even then sitting down with loads of stoned students all embracing such "out there" concepts such as multi-culturalism, spreading the love, discussing the virtues of being a labour supporter without having a flaming clue about politics and the medical benefits of marijuana. Whilst these conversations were had, I couldn't help but think what a bunch of insincere twats some of these middle class (I want to fit in please) came across as. Thankfully no friends of mine but just another opportunist moment for our beer swilling posse to smoke their quality dope. Listening to crap conversation was always going to be an ill side effect of seeking out quality ganja. Ah those were the days.

So why am I going on about this again? . I could've been wrongly accused of a gender inequality. If I could've covered my mouth in horror I would have looked guilty for a comment that only I interpretted as being un-PC . But that wasn't what was mean't at all. Why did I think that people may have misinterpretted my innocent suggestion? They were clearly non the wiser. Probably my guilt for frowning upon those middle class twats who were desperately trying to say the right thing. At that moment. I felt bad. For a couple of seconds.

The nexts incident was yesterday actually where I ranted about a friend who was vertically challenged, impressing upon the point that he was small in stature.....yep whilst an almost equally short friend was there to listen to said rant. Again. I felt embarrassed. I wasn't being heightist. Just ranting about my friend's poorly executed threat of violence after far too many drinks.

Am I turning into that hated middle class twat with all the associated pangs of being socially and culturally inept? Nah. Born and bred in Saaaarf Luuuundun mate. Innit man. Daz where multi- cultu-is-ism waz born bruv. Erm, innit!

Super Tramp

2007-06-19T21:08:00.000+01:00

Have you ever had a moment where you just have to laugh even though the circumstances really do not permit it? In an evil sort of way, its is just overwhelmingly funny. I see life through comedy glasses. Most things I see or hear have a habit of having a funny side to it. So it gives me great pleasure to describe something that set my tempo for the day.

Victoria railway station and bus terminal has a number of visitors and a number of residents. Of particular interest are the street dwelling kind. I'm not talking about your common garden, run away from home heroin addicted teenager. Nope. I am talking about your seasoned, all smelling, nicely grubby, tobacco stained, piss and poo matted, Diamond White addicted tramp. There are two in particular that I have the pleasure of seeing on occassion boarding the 507 bus. These buses are the bendy ones that don't require an obligatory swipe of the Oyster (travelcard thing) card. So its a free ride from Victoria Mansion to the Costa del Waterloo. There is something amazingly content in their men's eyes when they talk to each other. They've heaaled themselve of the burden and all the worries of a modern life the rest of us lead, many, many years ago.

I happened to be on this bus this morning with a friend of mine. On this particular occassion one half of this comedy act was without the other. Whilst she was deep in conversation with me and standing side on to the smelly old fart (he's probably only 30 but looks twice the age), without pause, shame, or hesitation , he coughed. Range oh, erm about roughly a foot away. Near enough for stray spittle and lung to potentially meet my poor friend's cheek. You're probably thinking there is nothing funny at all about this and that its quite disgusting. Sure. Of course. But done with such style and without the slightest bit of embarrassment. Superrb. A man who truly cannot give a flying f*ck. The evil part? I couldn't hide my amusment. I couldn't stop laughing out aloud for quite sometime until the inevitable sharp nudge. Hahahahahahaahahahahahaaaaa!

Boy Wonder Hamilton

2007-06-16T22:40:00.000+01:00

Yay!! That Hamilton chap is going from strength to strength. Yet another fine display of one upmanship between our local hero Lewis Hamilton and that overcooked paella, Fernando Alonso. I think Alonso tarnished his own character in an interview during his capaign to become world champion first time around when he stated that there is no-one of the grid he would consider to be his friend. They are the opposition and that he was there to beat them Fair do's Mr I take things too seriously. Look at the attitude of our young hero Hamilton. Friendly, competitive and without any hint of arrogance. Lets not forget his champion status for GP2. Winning any championship is going to have an effect on an individual. His is for the better while Alonso is not fairing so well. In the third and final qualifying period, he made mistakes on his last possible lap to take pole position. I think we are beginning to identify the chink in Alonso's armour. His inability to control the rage inside of what clearly seems to stem from the naive attitude that just because he is world champion, the team should pay him the extra attention he supposedly earns. If he really wanted that, then Ferrari would have been more than happy to accommodate. Clearly they aren't seeing the promised land with Kimi's disappointing performance so far and the under performing Ferrari. Some might say that it is Kimi's first year at Ferrari. Lewis Hamilton clearly puts that argument right.

So what of Lewis. A sucessful conversion of pole to a win? If Alonso tries and succeeds in trying to pull off the same kamakazi routine tomorrow morning, then he'll most definitely take Hamilton out and in the process hand advantage to Ferrari or BMW. Will arogance win over team spirit? We'll see.

Are we getting all too pant wettingly excited about tomorrow's prospect of another win and indeed subsequent wins to make Lewis world champion? I think so. Form suggests that experience will win the day. It just damn logical. So why are some highly respected people in the game already suggesting that the miracle will happen? Look at the results so far. Not one single error. Canada and Hamilton's performance was not only text book, but one would regard as the perfect race.

The US grand prix traditionally a Ferrari stronghold is no more judging by the qualifying form of McClaren Mercedes. Expect the following results:

1 Lewis Hamilton
2 Fernando Alonso
3 Felippe Massa
4 Nick Heidfeld
5 Kimi Raikkonen
6 New Boy Vettel
7 Heikki Kovalainen
8 David Coulthard/Mark Webber - yes a copp out if you will. Could swing either way.

One to watch. Red Bull Racing for tomorrow.

I could be entirely wrong however.

Habit, Habit, Habit....where have all the nun's gone?

2007-06-16T22:02:00.000+01:00

Okay. Some more observations about this internet dating malarkey. Hopefully this will be the last for now.

All sites ask to describe yourself set against certain criteria. For example, ethnicity, sex and that sort of thing. A few things amuse me about one particular site. There is a question about drug usage. Do you do drugs? Its a good question. But hardly one that someone is truly going to be honest about eh. The options are No, Yes, and wouldn't like to say. Erm. Forgive me for stating the obvious. But doesn't saying "Wouldn't like to say" an admission of guilt? There are some people who are going to say, its nobody's business but there own. What a load of rubbish. If you do, then you do. Pills, powder, injections, smoke whatever. If its a part of someones life then why both lying about it. They'll get found out soon enough. If you do then don't be shy. Describe what kind of sh*t your into. Bit a brown? E's, tab's, ganj? Better to get it out of the way. As ever the curious person that I am, I set about including this as a pre-requisite to a persons profile. Not to actually partner up with I hasten to add. As you've read some of my articles in the past I'm not a big fan of anyone who lives for drugs. Moderation I say. Only kidding. Now out of several hundred thousand people signed up to the service, amazingly twenty two women had admitted to being a user. Now that's what I call having balls. My hat off to you my dears for the honesty. Slightly worrying however are the number of people who might contact them just to get the number of dealer as their own have probably been nicked. Scary thought eh?

The other one is size. That's body size. The usual apply, fat, thin, curvy, some poundage, and hardly suprising, wouldn't like to say. What??? Are you telling me that their ethics solely lie in the realm of "but at the end of the day its all about the personality". This is true. But the truth of it, is that in this game, some degree of physical attraction has to be present. After all would you have the stomach to shag a Hippo-croca-pig? (Credit goes to an old friend of mine with no sense of decency). Really! If you're have some poundage, sooo what. I've met some extremely sexy ladies with additional curves to their already beautiful curves. Stick thin? Who gives a toss. All these varieties of physiques are to cater for all kinds of tastes. I can understand people's reluctance to answer these personal questions truthfully but if they are ever going to meet someone then they have to be truthful. No one likes a liar. You wouldn't go and answer an advert for a shiny new car only to see it for real and realise its only got three wheels, no bonnet and no seats? Would you buy it or call the owner a stinking liar? Same thing. If they lack so much self esteem, they are only going to be feel worse for everytime they get knocked back after being discovered. Everyone feels low in the beginning. Time and being with the right people I think ultimately resolves a lack of confidence and self esteem.

Now some clever arse is going to think, but Mr know it all TwoDarts, maybe size isn't important to some people, to which I would swiftly and calmly state......your right.

What am I a flaming agony aunt? Shut it two darts!!

Serious Moment

2007-06-16T14:27:00.000+01:00

There's a thought that has bothered me for a while. People have opinions. Some quite strong. Which is very admirable at times. People have beliefs that will not be swayed either. What happens when people realise that although those beliefs or opinions are a little unfair or unjust. I'm not talking about something highly immoral or bigotted or racist. I'm talking about an opinion of another person who happens to be in a situation that is a part of their life where they feel that it is just wrong. What are you talking about twodarts? I spoke to a friend last night about this internet dating thing. They've tried it before and I was suprised about what they had to say about it when I asked what in particular they were looking for. When they said they weren't into single mothers it didn't actually dawn on me the weight of that statement until this mornings usual cruise up internet dating alley. I must confess that as I picked some random contenders, the ocassional single mother popped up. Those words from last night echoed back to me. I actually started to question myself about what I thought about it. It never bothered me before. But the rationale for my friends thinking was one of being a part of that person's life but knowing that there would always be the presence of her ex partner and the child of another man in most cases. He found that very unappealling. As I looked up more ladies I came across a few more. What would it be like to vye for the attention of the lady of your life when she clearly has the attention of a child. Isn't that a rather selfish attitude to have? Is it? Yes and no I concluded. That child isn't one day going to go away. Its a part of her life and makes her who she is. Does she sound nice, compatible, a lifer? Why should a decison be based on her child I thought? It is an internet dating site and that lady is on their to meet other people. Its something for themselves. Yet I couldn't help but take an objective view of this. Some single childless people will no doubt feel a little uncomfortable about this particular situation. Some else's child. Could it be that they'd always imagined starting a family from scratch and the idea of having a ready made one feels like he/she has skipped a few steps. Especially the fun part :-)

The more I thought about this the more I began to realise how awkward and uncomfortable addressing this subject became. Is it right to feel like that?

The simple answer if this is the answer is that those people including myself are individuals with a right to be prejudice when it comes to selecting a partner. There is no good or bad, morally right or wrong in this. Just something that an individual feels comfortable with. My choice? I'm not saying.....

Too good to Resist

2007-06-16T14:02:00.001+01:00

In my quest for love I signed up to an Internet dating site a while back. With affairs of the heart you've got to be into it to get something out of it. Occassionally I just go cruising on this particular site. God I sound like a kerb crawler. Or a night club male tart.

Two particular ladies caught my attention for not the obvious reasons. You'll see why.

First one:

Hi, my name is Nades1978. I am a 28 year old single woman with black hair and blue eyes. I am 5 ft 5 tall disabled, living in Kazah, Russia.

She is currently looking for
A man aged between 33 and 34 living in United Kingdom for friendship

She describes her personality as
Loving

Nothing wrong there now. Right?

Very attractive picture which I won't disclose because I'm not a complete w*nker. On further inspection, I looked at her details.

Three things just totally opposed the description above. One the picture is of a woman with fair skin and blond hair. Not black. Two, ethnicity, african. Three, religion, Sikh.

Am I missing something?

So I pondered for a while, whether or not she honestly thinks she could get away with it.

I'm not even going to add the little write up about herself. All I will say is that she would've been better off subscribing to Russian wives for English dirty old men. Dot Com. Anyway, I had to respond.

Hi,Thanks for viewing me. I couldn't hold out any longer but I'm curious, your pictures are great, but I seem to be missing something. You seem to have blond hair in all three pictures and your african in ethnicity and your a Sikh and you live in Russia? I've never met anyone so erm, diverse in all senses. How did you come to be like that?

I wait the reply, if any with great anticipation!! I'll post it up here if there is one.

Candidate number two. You'll have to trust me on this one.

Indian girl 22 years old. Into exotic dancing with her pet python. Is currently setting up an adult film company. The picture of her has to be seen to be believed. Oh and what does she want, out of the usual categories such as long term relationship, dating, friendship, yes she didn't pick initmate encounter, she picture other relationship. What the hell does she want? A prop for her new company? Walking penis? Or something altogether more sinister? Odd. Very odd.

More Chav stuff

2007-06-16T13:23:00.000+01:00

A contributor to my blog reminded me of another Chavtastic fact about my neck of the woods.

I was off sick for a while. After being saturated with daytime TV and Chav's favorites Tricia and Jeremy Kyle, I resorted to finding something else to do. People watching. You know, the kind of stuff that old retired people do. Incidentally, I'll put down for the record that I'll end up being a miserable, complaining old fart when I get old. Mark my words. Victor Meldrew for the year 2047. If I get that far. (Ged on it with!!)

Anyway, so in my fine part of the world you have Chav's on Rota.

Morning Chav - two sub species; the pisshead's that get up bang on 8.30am to get to the local grocery shop for their fix of some Kestrel Super. The second one, single mums with about fifty kids all from different Dad's tagging along. Yep for a while I thought, no, got to be a child minder, just before the mouthed opened pouring out expletives. Either that or child care standards have slipped.

Lunch time Chav - Strictly speaking grotty hoodies. Chicken and chips from the takeaway of choice, no not KFC but South London's fav, Morleys. And if you're brave enough to walk past a group loitering near a sweet shop, ocassionally the question will pop up, "got fifty pee man. Innit". Jeeze! Chavvy mum's mum ferrying kids to see the doctor for some scrotty disease while chavvy mum hits the pub with her mates.

Evening Chav's - What else but Ford Fiesta's lowered, tinted with sh*t body kits. That's not a cherry bomb exhaust but a hole in one. All the time saying "nah! Is got a terrrbooo init man. Init." Oh shut up! The blokes all have a gangly stance with go many spots you could join them up with a pen and draw a Burberry hat with it. This scenario can't complete without the following two. Dog's and bitches. Or is it hoes? Imitation gangsta truly dilutes pure blood Chavs. But its a sign of the times. No Chav gang can be complete without token Scrapped back greasy haired 13 year old girls dressed up as eighteen year olds. And pregnant. Probably. Finally the obligatory Pitbull, or Staff. Why? Oh and on the lead is a 12 year old boy.

Night time Chav's - All of the above but hammered on Diamond White, Alchopop of choice, Dad's whiskey or Grandma's Gin. Evidence of night time Chav's is undisputable. Pizza sized sick on pavements on in the Church yard.

Yes a final observation. Why does it seem as though most Chav's and hoodies insist on hanging out in Church Yards? Are they paid protection money by the local vicar? Protection from whom? Probably God Botherers. Probably.

Is it National Chav Day?

2007-06-14T22:47:00.000+01:00

Just as I'm settling down for a peaceful nights sleep am I to be woken up by a congregation of Chavs a little way down my road accompanied by the sweet melodies of car alarms going off. My hats off to the Chavs of South London. Tossers!

News to make any man cry

2007-06-14T11:03:00.000+01:00

"Woman jailed for testicle attack says the BBC" - now that's just nuts.

Here's a bit of the article.

"A woman who ripped off her ex-boyfriend's testicle with her bare hands has been sent to prison.
Amanda Monti, 24, flew into a rage when Geoffrey Jones, 37, rejected her advances at the end of a house party, Liverpool Crown Court heard.
She pulled off his left testicle and tried to swallow it, before spitting it out. A friend handed it back to Mr Jones saying: "That's yours."

What kind of a woman was that to have the strength and the erm balls to do that? More to the point, if they were at a house party, what was he doing with his pants down his ankles in front of all those people? Oh I get it. It was one of "those" parties. Nudge, nudge, wink, wink. Keys in the fruit bowl kinda stuff eh?

Internet dating part deux

2007-06-14T09:59:00.001+01:00

This deserves a separate mention to the previous article. As I mentioned before odd nicknames rather freak me out. I see it as a sign of things to come. Another extremely irritating thing about internet dating are those people, and I clearly can only speak as a bloke looking for a lady, who desccribe themselves in one way but stick a picture up of some model from Vogue magazine. Or worse, a recognisable model/actress. I mean how stupid do you think we are? Really. And lets pretend that if one were to entertain going a date with "sexygal1981" knowing that she is the spitting image of Claudia Schiffer that I'm clearly not to be disappointed. After all she really does look like that. Only for her to turn up looking like a ugly greasy moose. And noticing my shock/horror to then quote lines from her militant feminists hand book that she happens to be carrying. Or did I miss the small print on the website that says that the picture must be of a likeness of ones self indicating that the poor girl is deluded.

Not to pick on the fairer sex on this one. I'd piss myself laughing if blokes were to do the same sort of thing. I think what's more likely to happen is that they'd put a real picture of themselves on the site but not before they've asked their mate who works as a designer at a mens lifestyle magazine to airbrush and "correct" certain lumps and bumps (man boobs and beer gut). Or a picture of themselves in their prime prior to embracing the batchelor lifestyle of booze, fags, drugs and loose women. Oh and Xbox. Infact blokes are more likely, if they could get away with it to put up either a picture of a representative cartoon character (Homer Simpson I envisage would be hugely popular) or their gentials. Or just something funny but childish. Probably. As you can tell I would be a model candidate and put a real picture of me up. Now where's that picture of Harrison Ford..

Either way I don't think its fair on ones self or others to wear such a veil of deceit (note to creators of Blogger, please can you incorporate a spell checker. Thanks). It only makes a waste of time on the date, or even the first step of meeting some one online (if you're that thick that you really believe that she looks like Scarlett Johansson then good luck mate).

Do people really have such a lack of confidence as to not show a true picture of themselves. I know people's confidence takes a huge knock after coming out of a relationship or never having one in the first place. Yes it takes time to get back to the real you or to find the real, I'm comfortable with myself you. Once you're there, get yourself down to a photo studio and get some glam shots done of yourself to stick on the website. And when I mean glam shots, I don't mean those kind of shots. Save that for the person you hook up with.

F*ck me I sound like bloody Trisha or Jeremy Kyle (for those in the US and other countries, its the Brit version of Jerry Springer, and other talkshow hosts).

Internet dating..

2007-06-14T09:07:00.000+01:00

Have I made a mention of this before? Possibly. After tearing myself away from a certain social utility network; I'm trying not to say its name. The therapist suggested I don't. I thought I'd cruise an internet dating site (Man that's sounds so slutty) for fun. I've peeked at it now and again with absolutely no commitment to it at all for the past few months. Its always interesting to see what kind of people are out there. My hat off to all of those people who have the balls to go for it. As I was browsing the many ladies who''ve put themselves on offer (why am I cringing whilst writing this?) I noticed a few people who had chosen (I know because it sounds like I'm visiting a knocking shop; I'm really, really not thinking that though. It just sounds a little sordid.) some rather odd, stupid or unattractive nicknames.

Here are some actual real life examples that I came across..along with my usual running comentary.

Lil Bitch - ......and proud of being one?
CrazyChick78 - Probably quite the opposite and boring as hell.
Loveshy01 - So what the hell are you doing on this site love?
FiestyBird - I bet she drinks Stella, has a tattoo of a bulldog and can swing a mean right hook.
Flaps14 - Oh dear what an unfortunate name.
Joanne Ryan - Erm, is your name Joanne Ryan by any chance.
Julesrules1911 - Control freak.
Rosehailmary - God Botherer. First dinner date and we say prayers before we eat. Ok?
Onemorewine - Piss head.
Goblin Girl - Ooh errr. On a first date? You really got to see the picture.
LooLabeller - Up there with bog brush quality control inspector.

Clearly internet dating is a newish concept and doesn't have the immediate impact that a bit of aftershave, nice hair cut, perfume, a bit of rouge or lippy would have in the conventional way of meeting someone, so there are other ways too seem attractive or sound reasonably sane in order to attract. Those listed above either scare the crap out of me just by the name or raise my eyebrow way past where it is capable of reaching.

What's in a name? Everything when it comes to internet dating.

Note to some of my feminist female readers: Please don't play the "2darts is a sexist b*stard". Just reverse the gender issue aand the argument then applies equally.

South London

2007-06-13T13:58:00.000+01:00

You know when you've cross the North, South divide when tow trucks have sub woofers installed. We are of course talking about the North, South London divide. Everything south of the river has just that little bit extra. Extra road raging bus drivers, a few more hoodies during a school hours, more old people. Milk float drivers with attitude. And sub woofers in tow trucks. I love South London.

A Drunk French President? No way!

2007-06-13T13:48:00.000+01:00

A Belgian newscaster has apologised for accusing the French President Nicolas Sarkozy for being drunk at the G8 summit. Here is the clip.

He wasn't at all drunk. There's more chance of a cocktail of coke, E's and Crystal meths being dropped in his morning coffee. Or so the performance would suggest. Allegdly.

Alonso feeling a little Alone so?

2007-06-13T12:29:00.000+01:00

It had to happen. I'm suprised it happed so soon though. Many a Formula 1 driver has thrown his toys out of the pram when things aren't going his way. Villeneuve, Schumacher, Schumacher Junior, Raikonnen and even Button to name a few. Eddie Irvine used to be quite masterful at it but this latest whinge from Alonso has broken my solemn vow not to mention anything about it.

Here's the scenario. Boy wonder Hamilton fairly and squarely wins the Canadian grand prix. Unlike most races where an unexpected winner is usually gifted the win by means of the front runners breaking down or having an accident. This race has a high number of retirees but none of the front runners. No one who would have made a difference to the out come if they had stayed on in the race. Indeed they may have been detrimental to Alonso's seventh place finish. He could have left with nothing.

So it came a no big suprise that the young Spanish driver decided to have a moan to his countrymen about how he has the sneaky suspicion that the British team that he drives for favours the young British driver. What? Yeah and Ferrari, the Italian team favouring who for so long? Umm does Alonso forget, when McClaren Mercedes were doing rather well in the late nineties with their partnership of Hakinen and Coulthard that the British driver didn't have an advantage of the Finnish driver?

What a sad little man Alonso is. So what if he is a proven champion. All champions fall eventually. Did he really think he was the next Schumacher? Unlike Schumacher, I don't think he has the air of invincibility like the German had. I'm no fan of Schumacher but I have to be honest enough to give him legendary status (what's that funny taste in my mouth?). Alonso made mistakes in that race. Quite a few of them. It was his own fault. Why? He know's how good Hamilton is and he is worried. Instead of worrying about whether the rookie is better than him, perhaps it would be better to just focus on trying to win another championship. If the boy is better than him then so be it. At least Alonso can be thankful of not being a one hit wonder like Villenueve.

I cannot help but compare Alonso with Schumacher. Where Schumacher didn't have a great car underneath him last season, he still badgered Alonso till the end. Same goes for the year before. Alonso put in a similar situation with a slightly under performing car would probably fall to pieces.

With that kind of attitude and to accuse his own team so early in the season for unfair treatment is pretty childish and very poor in terms of professionalism. If I were Ron Dennis, I would be watching him like a hawk and getting the PR and legal machine ready to pounce on anymore loose tongues criticism at the team from Alonso. Bold statements like that need to be backed up. Tread carefully Alonso. Or you'll go the way of Villeneuve and his embarrassing tittle tattle with Jenson Button and BAR just before he was booted out early. Oh my mistake. He walked. Childish.

One final thing for Alonso to remember. Hamilton maybe a Rookie in Formula one. But he was a dominant force in GP2. Its not about the car, its about attitude, natural ability, humility and focus.

What do we do with the time that has been given to us?

2007-06-12T19:39:00.000+01:00

One of the more fascinating questions in life is whether there is life after death. Many civilisations, religions and individuals believe in reincarnation. Others believe that this is one chance and one body and that after death there is nothing. Do these two opposing views dictate how we live our lives? Do those beliefs allow us to behave in a manner which allows us to be either destructive or more self aware? Are human beings the only animals who question ones existence? Interesting.

This topic of conversation is huge in scope. Too big for anyone to comprehend? No. Not so. Given enough time and study, nothing is too difficult to grasp or understand. My original question remains. What do we do with the time that has been given to us? Test our mortality? I think that is inevitable. Strive to be better than we are? What in ones eyes is a virtuous thing to be ? Does one need to be so? And for who's benefit? Everyones? No-ones? What if we could review our lives after death? Exactly what if anything would we change?

Reincarnation allows us to live life as it is given to us and as we make it; taking the rough with the smooth, the happy times with the sad. And at the end of it, those experiences define the very essence of what it is we take to another life. Who or what ever that might be.

What about those people who live for the moment and who believe that come death, there is nothing and all of ones actions of the past are inconsequential at the moment of death. Do I suggest that those are the very people that are villanous or have criminal thoughts? No.

Either approach one can argue cannot be proven. But the belief that an individual is so strong that it is pointless to argue either point. Its a very intimate belief that we have and hold. Can we compare or draw parallels with the belief of religion and non believers of religion? No. I think reincarnation or otherwise is very much a more personal thing that cannot be shared with anyone else. Its a view of what one thinks happens after death.

I forgot about the people who believe that we are born from the earth and are returned to it upon death. That there is no fantastic voyage of reincarnation and that we are all simply the very essence of Earth. There is no such thing as coming back as an eagle or a rich and famous actor.

Either way, whilst people spend time thinking about the above and more, what are you going to do tomorrow eh?

The Winning Formula

2007-06-11T20:33:00.000+01:00

Why didn't I think of running the National Lottery? Camelot are making an absolute fortune; under the guise of giving loadsa money to charity. Sorry, just being a little cynical.

I checked my usual collection of national lottery tickets. I lost the will to check every lottery draw and decided to go for the once a month routine. Okay, when I can be bothered. I don't expect to win. No I am not using an old psychological trick to make the actual win even sweeter. Nor do I adopt a defeatist attitude to it. If I did then I wouldn't bother buying the ticket. Nope. A realist's, no, a semi-committed optimist's attitude to checking my tickets.

In the crazy world that we live in I cannot deny the possibility of a percentage of the population who would religiously buy up forty tickets on a Saturday morning. Buy food and drink and invite friends round for the evening Lottery Draw. Canopes and champagne laid out ready to celebrate that win that never comes. The thing is that most likely and in the style of a goldfish with a seven second/day memory, the whole process will happen again. Cynical? Me? I think there is at least one family/person in this country that must do this. Who in their right mind would spend that much money where the odds are reduced by a miniscule amount by buying that many tickets. In the grand scheme of things, buying one ticket or forty hardly makes a difference. Besides winning with the one is far more impressive. Do I religiously buy a ticket? Nope. Not since I got stuffed on a four number win. It was the first ever national lottery in the UK. I got four numbers. I thought I was on to a small fortune. Well to a student, anything about a £100 would be great. After spending about ten minutes on a premium number to find out how much I won, I was told that a large number of people got four numbers and I won a grand sum of fifteen quid. Lovely.

Don't I sound like a whinging old bastard? Probably.

A True British Champ in waiting.

2007-06-11T19:21:00.000+01:00

How can I possibly ignore Lewis Hamilton's well deserved win. He won the Canadian grand prix with the skill and talent of all the great drivers of the past. Michael Schumacher, Gilles Villeneuve, Fangio, Jackie Stewart, Damon Hill, Nigel Mansell, Ayrton Senna. The list can go on. Never has there been talent at such a young age to take on the big guns of the Formula one world. I can't think what it would be like to have Schumacher still in the game. With Ferrari's performance of late it would be a little unfair. Put the two drivers together in McClaren's and the outcome would still be the same as the weekends results with the more experienced world champion floundering. Probably not quite as badly as Alonso but most definitely behind wonder boy Hamilton. Not a single error in what was the most testing of grand prix's. No less than four safety car deployments. A huge test of mental strength for the youngster and he proved he could handle the pressure. But have the media turned the up the hype machine? Possibly. Without taking credit away from Hamilton, he is after all a GP2 champion. And a dominant one at that. He has had the backing of Ron Dennis of McClaren Mercedes from a young age. The will and motivation have been there for a long time. It was inevitable that Lewis Hamilton would one day race for McClaren Mercedes. Some have criticised Ron Dennis for giving him a full time race seat. For a man who have closely followed the young star's career, I think he made a well educated choice on where and what Hamilton would be doing for 2007.

Hamilton's fantastic qualifying set a standard for himself and a warning shot to his team mate. Race day and clearly unsettled by the fact that a rookie (only as far as F1 is concerned) out qualified him, he attempted on cold tires to snatch the lead at turn one. As a seasoned driver and double world champion, that was an error that even Takuma Sato would be ashamed of. That error at that corner was the first of four throughout the race. It seems clear to anyone following form of F1 drivers that Alonso when under pressure can make mistakes. No. Not pressure but when his ego has been given a knock, he is prone to making rookie mistakes. Oh the irony..

McClaren Mercedes have been right in allowing their drivers to race. No team orders. They were criticised at the Monaco grand prix for allegdly issuing team orders. What would any team do when they have dominated the entire grand prix with both drivers commanding a one, two position? Allow them to race each other in the final third of the race exposing both drivers to the potential to wipe both cars out leaving team and drivers with no points? That would just be ridiculous. Even Ferrari saw the sense in it and made no complaint. So why did the media stir up a pointless argument? Because our boy (Hamilton) was catching Alonso at a rate of knots. On a circuit like Monaco it makes absolutely no sense whatsoever to endanger the guaranteed outcome of a win for McClaren. I put it down to sheer patriotism and a whole lot of enthusiasm. The boy did good at Canada. More of that and we could be looking at a rookie world champion.

Virtual Socialising

2007-06-11T18:45:00.001+01:00

There was a time where people interested in computers and the internet were considered to be geeky and the past time consigned to a bunch of spotty, pasty teenagers hunched over a computer until stupid o'clock in the morning delighting in the latest hack to an academic or military network. We've come a long way since then. Those nerdy sorts are now millionaires. Reap what you sow, or so the saying goes. And they have developed such technologies that have most of the population ranging from teenagers to thirty-somethings desperate for their next fix.

What am I talking about here? I'm talking about the social networking revolution. Many of my friends have subscribed to social gateway networks on the internet. The formula is simple. Enter your details about your pet hates, favorite music etc, as much as you like or as little depending on how paranoid you are. Other people sign up and search for friends, family, exes, someone to stalk. People share pictures and videos, join groups discussing everything from the smell of Superman's pants to serious political debate. People can describe at anytime of the day their mood or what they are doing. This is all very compelling stuff. Addictive for some. Frighteningly so.

So what benefits can we get out of this new form of communication? Meeting old friends from school, college, university or work. Family members who live several continents away. I have managed to find friends and family and social networks are a great way of inviting people to events such as birthdays, drinking sessions, charity stuff etc.

Are there any negatives to this? Possibly. Stalkers would have a field day. How much would you want other people to know things about you. Then there is the unsaid one upmanship about the number friends that people have. Too few and that person can be seen as a social outcast. Billy no-mates. Too many, and people wonder if all those people really are their friends and that possibly just bumping into a stranger is excuse enough to warrant including that person as a friend. Perhaps these attention seeking folk clearly don't feel secure enough with the number of "proper" they have. School ground mentality is what I'm thinking. Who am I to criticise? This isn't about who's more popular than who although people of a certain age or mentality would like to think so.

So on to the addictiveness of these social networks. Simply put, it appeals to peoples voyeuristic nature. I've read and heard fellow social networkers spending lots of time catching up with what other people are getting up to or looking at recently posted pictures/videos that other people have put up.

I've read articles on this subject in various magazine publications. The latest being GQ. For their particular study, they chose people from different walks of life who have subscribed to these social networks who have all the symptoms of a 40 a day cigarette smoker. Yes, trying to wean themselves down to a few minutes a day on these networks. I'm not criticising these users as I am a member of the community too. I've had time to step back from what this has become just for a moment to see what kind of impact it is having on everyday life. I've heard of cases where friends on these social networks communicate with each other even though they are in the same office block or even worse, just a few desks away. That shouts of serious mental issues to me. I unfortunately have been rather ill for sometime so the only socialising I have been able to do is via social networking. Some people (fit and healthy) clearly need to see some one who specialises in addictive disorders.

The strange thing is, despite moving civilisation and communication between people in the direction of a bit of desk space and the eerie glow of a computer monitor, there is much fun to be had. For people with disabilities, it is a invaluable tool. For people always on the go, a life line to keep in contact with friends and family, but.....

....what ever happened to picking up the telephone and calling someone?

BBC a little sloow to follow up with the P-Word...

2007-06-11T18:38:00.000+01:00

The BBC have a great magazine section. I found today an article entitled After the N-Word, the P-Word. Interestingly, it seems as though I am not the only one concluding how reclaimation of traditionally racist terms should just be left alone to be forgotten. There is some interesting feedback on the article.

Click here to read the full story.

Driving Attitude

2007-06-09T10:44:00.000+01:00

More interesting idea's from the government. This time to combat presumably road rage or just poor driving attitude, they are considering psychometric tests. What a blindingly good idea! Just what we need. I'm sorry but that is just a load of rubbish. As a seventeen year old, would his/her mental attitude be indicitive of their driving attitude in another ten or twenty years time? Of course not. I for one had a very different attitude towards driving back when I first started out to the one that I have now. As a youngster, I always enjoyed driving rather quickly. Owning a quick BMW didn't really help matters I guess. I was however always very aware of pedestrians. I would never want to have blood on my hands due to careless driving on my part so I only ever drove speedily in areas where there was no chance of a pedestrain crossing the road or on very sparsley populated areas of the motorway. Nowadays I have a completely different attitude. I just wanna drive like Jenson Button everywhere. Just kidding. By virtue of living in a highly congested city, there is absolutely no point hammering it down the road. You just can't. A pleasant drive through the country would be just that. Pleasant and unhurried. Attitudes change as people get older and priorities change. I had a friend who in his youth was involved in plenty of accidents and yet considered himself a good driver. By the time he was twenty eight, he was driving a BMW M635CSi. 286BHP in a two tonne car. Not the best combination one would think. Fatherhood had changed him as did maturity. Would a psychometric test determine what kind of car if any that one would be allowed to drive? I hope not. It doesn't necessarily solve drink or drug driving either.

More Racism on Big Brother ???

2007-06-09T09:43:00.000+01:00

I would just like to say that I am not a fan of Big Brother. And never will be. I find no pleasure in watching a bunch of attention seeking, selfish individuals. Yes and that includes all the so called moralistic winners such as Shilpa Shetty. Speaking of which; the latest Big Brother has again been subject to controversy. Or has it. This latest eviction due to the use of rascist language directed at another contestant. Is it a knee jerk reaction to the celebrity BB calamity that happened not so long ago?

A while ago I read several interesting articles on reclaiming racist words like nigger and paki. The word nigger has to an extent been reclaimed. The word nigger and paki where extremely offensive terms used for people from the african/carribean regions of the world and paki for people from the indian continent. Evidence of reclaiming the word nigger has clearly happened in some hip-hop and rap lyrics. More recently there has been a drive by some parts of the asian community to relcaim the word paki. Either term is considered offensive by a percentage of the population. I have a number of asian and black friends. Would I consider using those words in their presence or indeed refer to them in those words? No of course not. I am asian and I was subject to abuse years ago and the words paki I still consider highly offensive. Why ? For one, it was incorrectly used as I am not of pakistani origin. Two, the majority of people using the word paki were unfortunately white working class idiots. I'm not suggesting that the blame lies entirely with one group of people for there are people from many social and cultural backgrounds who are equally as racist. But I'm not going to travel down that path for this article. I describe my experience as a child. The word paki was used indisriminately. And I think that is what hurt the most. I remember standing up to a racist bully and just before I got a kicking, I remember asking him if he knew the difference between an indian, a pakistani and a bangladeshi? He answered that "we all look the same, smell the same and talk the same". What a charmer.

As always I did some research on reclaiming words like nigger. There is some suggestion that a portion of black american's have readily accepted the reclaimation of the word. Here is an interesting link that articulates the argument much better than I could. And clearly is much more qualified than I am to do so.

I look at this argument from my life experiences and how I see those terms. So back to the Big Brother incident. Was it right for a white person to allegdly use the word nigger "affectionately" to another house mate who happens to be black?

The words that were said were, "You're pushing it out, you nigger". For a nineteen year old to say such a thing must mean a couple of things. Being a little naive and just because it might be acceptable black on black doesn't necessarily mean that black on white makes it acceptable too. People are clearly going to say but why, doesn't that set a double standard? Because I don't think that the word nigger in this country has been totally reclaimed. Black people do find the word offensive. In the USA it might be slightly different but here it is still very much a sore point. I do feel sorry for her because I think that perhaps she's listened to a little bit too much gangsta rap/hip hop. I'm sorry, I just had to have that little dig.

In much the same way, I would find being called a paki by either an asian or persons from a different ethnic background highly offensive. Reclaimed or not.

Those terms which originate from hatred should really remain there. They certainly will do to those who were referred to in that context. Nothing really changes that fact. Reclaimation of an offensive word may help lessen the guilt of society but it never quite takes away the offence that it caused in the first place. Should those words remain in our language. That is really up to people as a whole. Those words I suspect will quietly slip away as more people become educated to the ways of other cultures and peoples.

I've only just learned through reading the BBC's "Have your Say" section on this subject that the Charley, the black lady in question had already used the word nigger. It doesn't take away anything I've said but to reinforce some points that I've made about double standards and society not being ready reclaim racist terminology. One final point. The lady who has been booted off for using a racist word, Emily, if she truly believes that she mean't to use the term in a friendly way then I'm sure her black friends will be more than happy to publicly support her. We shall see. Oh did I mention that she is a self confessed right wing Tory supporter? I'm not suggesting that right wing tories have a fondness for racism, its just that for a young lady to side herself with a party clearly struggling to distance itself from that kind of reputation, surely she's seems to think that is what the Tory party stands for. Oh dear. Clearly the PR machine isn't working very well at the moment.

My Mate.

2007-05-18T06:24:00.000+01:00

Missing my friend who left for greener pastures.

Doh!

2007-05-18T06:11:00.000+01:00

There are triggers in peoples lives that make them do the stupidest of things. You might know where I'm going with this. Brain washing, hypnosis, and booze. How on earth are these three things linked? Stating the obvious. Brain washing, hypnosis and boozing are all done voluntarily. No one forces you to either of the three. For example, those crack pots who are members of Scientology as demonstrated on YouTube. Hypnosis as demonstrated by Paul McKenna. If you're from the UK then replace Paul's name with your own popular Hypnotist. And finally, huge amounts of any kind of alchohol. There are however moments when boozing, up to a point, where people can be utterly inspiring. That is until one has had way too much. Waking up this morning feeling on top of the world in a hangovered kind of way was really great. Slightly annoyed however by the feeling that from the Marquis of Granby onwards was a little blurry.

Out of the Frying Pan and into the Fire my friend!

2007-05-13T11:54:00.000+01:00

So clearly I couldn't leave this scientology thing alone and after a few YouTube viewings I cam across a clip about a man calling a "God bothering" show where the topic was about being confused and lonely and suicidal. Okay some of that is an exaggeration. So the poor bloke calls in to say that Scientology has seriously f*cked with his mind and he wonders if God will take him back. Sounds like he made a pact with the devil; to which the on screen presenters naturally convince him that....oh sod it. The grand prix is nearly on...

Here's the clip for your amusement.

Scientology

2007-05-13T10:48:00.000+01:00

Waking up to a pretty miserable day duly assisted by a slight hangover I read an interesting article on the BBC news website about a slanging match between a journalist and a hardcore Scientologist (crack pot). A video clip posted on YouTube showing a full on barny between the two people has raised questions again about what this cult, erm no sorry I mean't religion is all about. There are stories of people disassociating themselves with their families and friends etc to follow this cult, erm no sorry I mean't religion. Am I worried about being hunted down or followed everywhere I go? No. There are plenty of other nutters that follow me around every day. I'm used to it.

So as curious as ever I decided to look up the Scientology site for that elusive video clip. The BBC didn't have a direct link to the clip and armed with a hangover I couldn't be bothered to search for it. On the site was a link to a free personality test. Presumably this is to see whether I am suitable to become a member of this cult, erm no sorry I mean't religion. I'm not a stupid person so when faced with the usual "who are you" and "what do you do" stuff, I clearly falsified that information. The name being a Mr P.I. Staker and I'm a pig farmer in Azerbaijan.

The usual instrusive questioning ensues and after close to 200 profiling questions, which incidentally I answered honestly, I came to the final part, to which I was told that a scientology scientist would analyse my input and send me the results. Word of warning to anyone who wishes to take part in this test. 1) False details are a must if you are not serious but just curious. 2) Azerbaijan clearly doesn't have a local Scientology office. The nearest one is in Belarus. 3) Don't forget to put a real email address in, preferably not containing your real name in the address.

I clearly didn't bother to give my email address. So some pig farmer in Azerbaijan will be harrassed by those people from the cult. I mean religion. They preferred it if I called it a religion.

.....okay, I have found the video clip. Here is the clip of John Sweeny apparently losing the plot. I don't think so.

.....and here is a clip of a man called Tommy from the scientology cult, erm I mean religion being a little upset. Coincidentally, he does rather look like Tom Cruise. Weird(o).

A final couple of things to note. Why would this test normally cost $500+?

Are people really willing to pay $100,000+ to find out the secrets of this cult erm religion? Religion.

The BBC Panorama programme is out on Monday 14th May at 8.30pm. Don't miss it.

Next week we'll be talking on the subject of, "Are brain washing cults back in fashion again?".

Best Excuse in the World

2007-05-12T08:30:00.000+01:00

This has to be one of the best excuses in the world for a man to tommy tank to his heart's content. Doctors claim that to help battle cancer of the bollocks, amongst the usual don't wear tight pants, take vitamin supplements etc, they also recommend giving the old chap a good tug daily. Does that mean that calling a random bloke walking down the street "you wanker!" is actually a complement for good personal health practices?

Life's Mysteries

2007-05-12T07:55:00.000+01:00

There is nothing worse in the entire world than to wake up with the biggest hangover of all time. Yes its been a while since I last wrote. This is mainly down to work. Last night was one of the biggest piss up's I've been to in a while. Beginning at the local watering hole that is the Sports and Social and on to the Marquis of Granby. What happened after I stepped in there is a real mystery. Getting home is a real mystery. I was however totally hammered. Strangely enough though I managed to order pizza. I hope I paid the pizza man. One of the most fascinating things about getting hammered is waking up the next morning and check that modern miracle, the mobile phone. Several things can happen. A late night call to a girl friend or ex-girlfriend, a prank call to a random number (I'm sure I did that), ordering food and then passing out (I did that once), a call to a mate who you haven't spoken to in a very long time (and probably for a very good reason), arranging to meet someone and totally forgetting about it the next day.

For people who don't drink alchohol, seeing a bunch of people pissed out of there head must be pretty amusing/disgusting/appalling. I have a friend who doesn't touch the stuff for religious reasons. Never tried it either. His running commentary is amusing though. His snootiness towards people who nip off for a lunch time hydraulic sandwich is a little annoying but much of the time quite hilarious. What would the world be like without alchohol? Is it time to find out?

A nation on the brink of a smoking ban is quite interesting. Our smoking european neighbours (I read the stereotype somewhere) will somewhat be displeased. Will it harm our tourism business? Will pubs close? Probably not. Finally some sense has come to this government. This ban is great for people like me who associate drinking with smoking and vice versa. For me specifically, I welcome the ban as I'm of a character that will happily continue to do something until I'm told not to. What will they ban next? Alchohol? If statistics are right about binge drinking and kids getting hammered on Diamond White then lets ban that too. After all isn't that bad for us?

Doh!

2007-05-12T07:53:00.000+01:00

Shallow Comment of the Day:

How long does it take to stare at a really ugly person before they become beautiful?

Gaia

2007-04-21T08:36:00.000+01:00

As most will know I care a lot about our planet. I've written a few things on the subject. There was an occasion last weekend during a hazy moment that I realised something about the planet. All living things breathe. All animals breathe oxygen and expel carbon dioxide. Some breath fast and others slowly. Some breathe faster when running and slower when sleeping. We all breathe. But what about the planet? Did anyone consider what the planet is doing? The very source of what keeps us breathing is dying. Our planet breathes too. It breathes through our trees and plants. Did anyone consider that our planet breathes very, very slowly. Breathes carbon dioxide by night and oxygen by day. So while governments do little to conserve the great forests (the lungs of our planet), are very aware that without them, we will suffocate ourselves. But as with everything, we as human beings have all the deniability of a sixty a day chain smoker who thinks smoking doesn't kill.

Political Correctness

2007-04-07T21:48:00.000+01:00

Just following on from the last post I must admit I was in the thick of the nineties political correctness. I was a university student at the time and I must admit whilst defining my identity after years of parental influence I experimented with PC'ness. On hindsight I will admit to feeling a little foolish about some of the opinions I held. But f**k it I got a few shags along the way. Oh dear. How un-PC was that! No seriously I find like with any kind of rebellion that there is an opposing reaction. The seventies and eighties were very much dominated by masculinity. The backlash of that were the nineties. Hey ho swings and roundabouts. Are we approaching some form of equilibrium? Or dare I say a form of utopia? Who knows.

As I'm writing this I am waiting in anticipation of Amir Khan boxing tonight. I wonder if this time around he'll fall. I hope not. He is one of our great british hope. Bring it on!!

My prediction for this evenings result. Amir to win, just and Joe to destroy the "Contender" upstart. I've never been a fan of American boxers just because most of them carry such vicious attitudes that clearly set themselves up for a spectacular fall should they lose. Big it up for British boxing!!

British Heavy weights

2007-04-07T21:25:00.000+01:00

Boxing for anything under the heavy weight division in Britain is coming home. All our best fighters are proving their worth on the international scene. And about time too. Ever since Nasim Hamed lost to Barrera, Britain had nothing to offer. Maybe Joe Calzaghe. Where do our hopes lie with the heavy weights? Michael Sprott? Don't think so. So he beat Audley Harrison. Harrison beat Williams. Williams beat Harrison. Skelton beat Williams. Williams beat Skelton. So what. Hardly the most thrilling of matches. Williams lost to Klitschko. Klitschko wants a fight with the Beast from the East. That's a proper pairing. Who is the Beast from the East? He is Nikolai Valuev. At over seven feet tall, he is the heaviest recognised boxer ever.

One interesting question someone asked me was what is fascination of two blokes or women beating the shit out of each other? I thought about this for all of about two seconds and came up with the answer. Take a seven foot fat bastard weighing twenty stone and put him up against a ten stone boxer and guaranteed the boxer would win. Why? Because a decent head shot would put the bigger bloke down. Its not about the sizeable difference, its about the ability to fight with some class and gentlmently conduct. We have all seen bar room brawls in our time and its not fair and its not pretty. The art of boxing is clearly a testosterone driven sport. The world needs it and indeed its a part of human nature. Going back in time, wars were won by nominating the hardest f**ker from each opposing army rather than risk the mortality of thousands of soldiers. I suspect boxing carries an element of this. Much like most sport. Okay I'm rambling a little but my point being that people enjoy watching the sport and it will continue. Besides boxing at its lowest ebb was in danger during the nineties brigade of politically correctness of being banned. The sport survived.

A New Boxing Hero

2007-04-07T20:58:00.000+01:00

Enzo Maccarinelli. Tough surname to spell without looking it up. What a fighter! I look forward to Saturday night boxing. It almost rivals my fondness for Formula 1. Its only the second time I've seen him fight. Tonight was against Bobby Gunn. A total mismatch if ever I saw one but I tell you what, the man can punch; hard. Poor Gunn was clearly out gunned. I felt sorry for the poor man. It is a little disappointing to see that kind of match but it was a good demonstration about the power of Enzo. Solid punches and well placed ones too. A good quality boxer who has purpose to his game.

The quality of boxing has come back from the terrible days of Audley Harrison et al. More importantly quality boxing on free TV! As I'm writing this just after the mandatory watershed, I hear Enzo Calzaghe giving his boxer (no not Joe) the riot act. What a pleasant suprise to hear the F word on the telly.

Whilst recovering from last nights antics at "The Boy"'s event in Whitechapel I wondered if when I get to a pensionable age whether or not I would find some of the things televised shocking. Elements of TV at the moment do occasionally raise an eyebrow but nothing more than that. Programmes such as "The Word" and "Eurotrash" certainly caused a young Twodarts some amusement to watch the folks cringing at some of the more unusual practices of our european cousins. Eurotrash was usually commentated with a bout of tutting and sighing from my Mum and Dad preceeding the inevitable flicking channels (for there were only four at the time) until a marching order was issued to the bedroom for a good nights rest. Occassionally Pa twodarts and Ma twodarts would drift off to sleep allowing much amusement for me and sister Twodarts.

Evolution

2007-04-07T10:23:00.000+01:00

Once I was an avid reader of such choice publications like FHM and Maxim. These days I read something for the mature batchelor. Arena. Whilst reading an article about something or other, there was mention about the fact that human beings have not evolved for the last 100,000 years. How bizzare? Or more to the point how true is that?

Lets say for arguements sake that it is true. Why haven't we evolved? Upon waking from a heavy night out on the town the other night it struck me that there is a very clear and obvious reason as to why we have stopped evolving. Human kind has since the beginning tried to find ways to cure illnesses. Medicines, potions and even hocus pocus magic have been used to cure us of such vile diseases. To our detriment. Medicine prevents evolution. Okay, man made medicine. Of course plants provide the majority of cures for various illnesses. But in our effort to find an effective and total cure for such things as cancer, terminal illnesses etc, we have produced treatments that cannot be considered natural. I wonder if the very treatments that prevent us from falling ill are actually doing us evolutionary harm by not allowing mother nature to sort out the weak from the strong. By preventing the spread of disease we promote the over population of the human species. Over population ultimately leads to more health related problems. So eventually leads to more medical cures.

Does this make any sense? How else does evolution work? I find taking pain killers for back pain to numb the pain a little strange. Why when your body is telling you that there is something wrong do we hide it by taking pain killers? Admittedly I've taken pain killers for back pain so that I might sleep better and not to get back to work as I have heard many people do.

Are we denying ourselves to evolve? Most probably. I'm no scientist but do we really think of the consequences of our actions? A perfect example of this is global warming. Did we ever anticipate at the beginning of the industrial age that we could have such an impact on our environment? No. But a lesson learned. Are we doing anything about it? Sort of. But for those who put economy over environmental issues will surely slow the process for stabilsing our planet.

Perhaps we too should look to how we are affecting our evolution. May be we should start looking to natural cures. Any one watch Medcine Man?

Snot

2007-04-06T10:47:00.000+01:00

Back ache, flu, head aches are all bearable. The common cold is not. Snot. Geddit? Okay stop with the school boy humour. Whilst recovering from a cold. It takes forever to get rid of the stuff, I blew into my handkerchief and noticed the exceptionally green stuff that came out. Almost emerald in colour. Then I asked myself, "why so?". Here is the answer:

"The green colour is due to immune cells called neutrophils. These are the first cells to appear when bacteria start infecting the nasopharynx. Neutrophils will engulf the bacteria (phagocytosis) and begin to destroy them within themselves using potent digestive enzymes (amongst other things, another being hydrogen peroxide). One of these is lactoferrin and other enzymes are dependent on iron for their activity. The colouration therefore comes from the iron. Ferrous iron compounds are green. It turns yellow the bacteria have been around for a while and other cells start moving in and dying "

There you are. An explanation by a doctor from Wales. For another angle on snot, I found an australians explanation for snot as follows:

"It is not so much the snot which is green as the phlegm component, and this is only when it is infected. Neither healthy snot nor phlegm is really green. It becomes so in the presence of infection because of the large numbers of white blood cells present, which make their way through the airway walls to combat the infection. They also give pus a whitish-green colour. So it should be white but it's snot."

Of the two explanation's I can confidently say that the second description will put me off food for a while.

Games

2007-04-06T10:33:00.000+01:00

I have probably mentioned before that I am never envious of people and their good fortunes. I am probably this way as I know of too many people that like to do nothing better than get jealous and envious of people good luck. Its quite sad to see people seething at people's good luck. Makes them look pathetic. So whilst many of my friends are purchasing Xbox360's and PS3's etc, I am quite content with my ultra fast Dell XPS. For those that don't know what it is. Its a very fast PC designed to play games. Its now two years old and can still hold its own. I heard news that the hugely popular driving game Test Drive Unlimited was coming to our shores. It's been out on the Xbox360 and other consoles for some time. With the advent of high speed broadband connections I was able to download the whole game for a moderate price. No need to visit Croydon town centre and dodge the chav's. After 3 hours of downloading the game, I installed it and of I went. For an amazing three hours without realising the time. It is a game to be experienced. I am a test drive veteran. I bought the very first game on my Amiga A500 and followed its progress with much enthusiasm. This modern day version is technologically and graphically the best. Full stop. The Need for Speed series are fine games but nothing is as complete as this. There are one thousand miles of Hawaian road to travel on and unlike other games where you have to wait for the game to load the next set of tracks, this does this seamlessly. It is a welcome distraction and a good reason to stay in rather than go to the pub. Buy it now.

Lady

2007-04-06T10:24:00.000+01:00

There was a lady I dated a while back. Admittedly through a little too much enthusiasm on my part I stuffed it up. We still remain friends however. Something touched me the other weekend. I was at my Dad's local when in she walked with a couple of friends. My family and I together with Guiness were sat talking away in the way we do. I called her over at a point in the evening whereby I introduced her to my gang. I was pleasantly suprised how easily she got chatting away to my Mum. It was later that night how she exclaimed how cool it was to hang out with my folks and how she admired how relaxed with each other we were. This is something I had not noticed. Its just the way we are. Then it twigged as she hinted at the fact that she doesn't have the same family unit. Her parents are thousands of miles apart, separated from each other. It was only through her admiration for what I have that made me appreciate that very thing I do have. Admittedly I also hoped that I scored some points in perhaps reigniting that failed date. Not quite.

Booze and Fag's

2007-04-06T09:45:00.000+01:00

My mate the ex-marine, I shall call him Action Man, and I spoke at length about life, the universe and women for quite some time on Monday. It was at some point he made me realise how I can make a change in lifestyle for the better. As I may have mentioned before, his body is a temple and he takes care of himself. There is nothing remotely camp about it, just commonsense. I look back at the number years I have sustained this lifestyle of boozing and smoking, dabbling in the occassional pill, powder and "smoke". Not to the extreme of say Keith Richards et al. But enough is enough. They say knowing of a problem and realising that it is problematic is the first step in healing. Okay. Wise words whoever said that. Easier said than done is another set of wise words too. Everyone adopts a lifestyle. Good, bad or indifferent. Its a matter of perspective. Doctors would say I lead a poor lifestyle. I would agree. Changing it is tough. Most social aspects of my life involve bars and pubs. Most of my friends prefer those locations too. I've tried pursuading some friends to try something different, like doing some kind of sporting activity. Going for walks etc. Admittedly these suggestions take place whilst on the fifth pint. Typically nothing becomes of it.

Last night, I was out with a load of friends at karaoke night. There were some people who I hadn't seen for years and some I couldn't wait to see again. A real success of a night. And one with booze and fag's. Where I have left my local boozer and decided that drinking elsewherer would expose me to new experiences, I am still exactly where I started. Booze and fag's. July will see to the smoking. But not the booze.

I've been invited tonight to a gig in near Jack the Ripper's old haunt. Jack the Ripper has no relevance on this topic. A social occassion. A chance to maybe meet Miss Right. More booze and more fag's. Is it really possible to walk into such venues drinking just juice or a soft drink for the entire duration? I think I'd make a terrible pregnant woman. I don't think I could.

One of the toughest decisions I am about to make is changing this lifestyle for another. I had a moment recently that scared me and made me realise my mortality. There is nothing quite like that moment when you realise how precious life really is. Time stops. Every thought is put on hold. All worries disappear. Its then that you ask youself, do you want to live? The answer is always going to be the same.

Will I be envangelical if I adopt a new lifestyle? There is a chance I may. But only temporarily. Action Man has already invited me to join him at the gym one day. I'd be stupid not to.

Barry's Beef off to the glue factory?

2007-04-06T09:29:00.000+01:00

My mate Barry seems to going through a mid blog crisis. If I read correctly, he's taken a sabbatical this easter period. For reasons only he may know, we may or may not hear from the old bullock. It is true that when one enters the world of blogging that one has to feed the beast. But the thing that we lose sight of is the purpose or the reason we started a blog. I for one thought it a good way to open that valve of a pressure cooker environment I live in. In a world where gutsy opinion is stifled by virtue of the culture we live in, anonymising (is that a real word?) oneself makes it a little easier to say what we really want to say. Along with our online opinions occasionally attracts a population of readers. It is those readers that is the beast that needs feeding. Only if you want to. I for one have spent weeks without updating my blog for one reason or another. Usually its down to drug fuelled sex binges the night before. (Yes, alright, you can stop laughing, I am lying). My attitude towards blogging has always been the same. My blog is for me, what I write is my own, and who or what I write about is about me. Self obsessed? Not at all. What does one write about in a diary? Because that is essentially in its truest form what a blog is. Does one keep a diary about another person? That amounts to stalking and I'm sure the law that is in our fine country will find a way to convict that individual.

So Barry my friend, take a chill pill, its your blog, and blog if you want to. You'll be missed if you stop blogging. And if you do then I for one will miss reading your load of old bullocks.

Summary of the week

2007-04-06T08:20:00.000+01:00

Nothing is quite as disturbing as a mate of mine showing me his sexual conquest on his mobile phone. Video evidence if you get my drift.

Yet another colleague and friend is leaving work for another job paying more. His excuse is like any other. Need more money for a family. It is worrying when so many good people are leaving at once. It makes me wonder if they know something that I do not. The company I work for is haemoraging employees at the moment. Normally this kind of thing doesn't bother me, but at the same time as people are leaving they seem to be lessening the opportunity for promotion by simply putting people who have been there for sometime in promotional opportunities by default. Bad practice indeed and will likely to upset a lot of apple carts.

I met a very attractive lady with some of the biggest hands on the planet. Wow! I would've taken a picture if I could taken one without being slapped with one of those jumbo sized paws.

Another week has past and much like the one before women have come and gone. Don't get me wrong, women aplenty to talk to, but not single ones. I must attract the wrong kind clearly. Apparently the trick to attracting a women is not to be nice. I just don't get it. Be a bastard and supposedly some kind of miracle occurs. I don't think so. That little bit of advice came from a lady friend of mine. All the more worrying if it were true. The modern woman likes to be treated mean?

My arm still hurts as a consequence of attempting to drunkenly arm wrestle the kebab shop man. Oh and yes, I broke my vow of a healthier lifestyle on Wednesday.

Mr Jinx (my cat) has been trying to speak to me in catlish. I'm sure that he really does try and talk in english but due to his vocal chords can only muster something like a muffled miaow.

Getting sound advice from a friend of mine who treats his body like a temple. An ex-marine no less and one part of a party of single blokes who go out on the pull a couple of times a month. I arm wrestled him too compounding the pain in my arm.

Its amazing how after several days off the booze and fags how it is incredibly easy to get hammered on just a couple of pints. I vaguely remember Wednesday night collecting my kebab, catching the bus and attempting to follow an imaginary straight line only to realise I'm not and suddenly spotting the lady I see every morning walking a little way behind me no doubt having a laugh at my expense.

Good deed for the week? Last night after declining an offer to fill my nose with colombian marching powder, I alighted a train home early'ish. Whilst struggling to stop myself from pissing myself laughing at the conversation two young teenage chavvy girls were having, I noticed this poor woman, very pretty, and very pissed, falling asleep. There is nothing more unfortunate than such a picture of a lady who is about to fall off her chair. So as quick as lightening, I reached in front of me and caught her shoulder before she fell off. With that she thanked me, checked for drool, checked that she hadn't missed her stop and started to nod off. Just a couple of stops before mine I gently tapped her on the shoulder and pointed to the station sign as a gentle reminder to her not to nod off otherwise she'd miss her stop. Not a thing to do when pissed. I think she appreciated the gesture and busied herself with her mobile phone and then make up.

On the point of missing a stop. There is no place worse for me than having to get off at West Norwood station. It is for me the biggest pain in the arse for a few of reasons. It is a shit hole of a place during the day let alone at night in a drunken haze. There are no handy cab firms anywhere near the station let alone any licenced cabs waiting there for the commuter. West Norwood happens to be far enough to contemplate not to walk home but teasingly to do so if one is brave enough. It is however very much an uphill climb home. I've done it. It took an hour of fast walking.

So it was one evening that I ended up at this crap hole of a place. Pissed off again that I had nodded off and pissed off that I knew I could walk home but I wouldn't as the area is of the most unsavory variety at that time of night. Pissed off that that was the last train. Pissed off that there were no cab firms around. A moment of genius occurred when I spotted an Indian Restaurant. With hope and faith that this place would be a sanctuary for me and a place to call a cab off I headed. Upon entering the rather plush place I was greeted with some very polite waiters to kindly told me the restaurant was shut. It didn't matter to me as all I wanted was a cab. It was then that one of the guys asked where I was headed. So I told him to which he said that he was going in that direction. Saved! As we set off he asked me how much I would normally have paid for the journey so I truthfully told him and he accepted my offer. As stopped outside my flat, and I handed over the money I asked him if he was going back to the restaurant, he gleefully told me that he lived only a couple of streets away and he was off home! Talk about making money out of someones misery! At least I got home safe. (Penny pinching bastard!).

Knowledge

2007-04-01T09:44:00.000+01:00

The wonderful thing about the internet is that it makes the average human being seem more intelligent. No. Thats not entirely true. Encylopedia's have been around for a very long time. Does anyone remember owning a set? The ones that take up an entire shelf the length of the living room. And why on earth are they kept in the living room? Have I deliberately betrayed my "working class" background? Surely if I came from the silver spoon brigade then it would be the study. I digress. The kind of people displaying these books of knowledge very rarely used them anyway. They might as well have had a load of false book spines glued together. And probably to hide the dodgy home made porn videos.

The internet is an amazing invention. Got a question? Just type it in and more often than not you'll get a correct answer. A friend of mine described that once that wasn't the case. The information on the internet was subjective. There is/was some truth to it. Yeah and for years I thought my mother was right in saying that the Tooth fairy really did exist. Who do you believe? I have the temptation to step into the whole religion argument again but I won't. Oh okay I will for a moment. Who'd be foolish enough to believe one man's word about a higher being. Oops. That already happened.

If we aren't already there then we are on the cusp of a significant change in the way we think. Will the phrase "knowledge is power" extend beyond politics? Or will "its not what you know but who you know" seem irrelevant? The internet makes our lives easier. It makes people much more tolerant of each other. It empowers people to make more informed decisons.

Are there any negative aspects to the internet? Of course there are. Future generations could be seen as hugely over weight, pasty, spectacled, non-speaking geeks. Socially inept. The art of conversation will die. They will however be able to type eighty words per minute; with their feet. Technology is not a natural thing. It is truely man made. And because it is, it will inherently be detrimental to our existence.

I had a friend of mine who I dated briefly. Just before the date, she mentioned how communication (and she is an expert at it) these days seems so much less effectual due to email and mobile phone text messaging. And she is correct. How can one articulate oneself using emoticons etc? She said that the art of conversation is dying. Talking is one of our most primeval assets. Peace and understanding have been achieved though the simple act of face to face communication. Some might say wars too have started in the same way. Well you can't have everything eh?

I hope that despite all the advances in technology, we never lose the ability to communicate as nature intended.

Beautiful Women

2007-03-30T08:45:00.000+01:00

It was a real shame to hear of a friend of mine who had recently split up with his girlfriend. I have some sympathy for him as I myself called it a day with my lady sometime ago for entirely honourable reasons too. Single life has been kind to me, so I can convey with some confidence to my young batchelor of a mate, things will look up. Trust me. If last night was anything to go by then yes, yes, yes!

One of the perils of singledom however is that there are ladies (and I apologise to those with genuine intent and a kind heart) who can sniff out a single man from a mile away. And play them. This is not a note of bitterness. On the contrary. An observation. From experience, the moment I put my "I'm available" sign up, I had a couple of friends who overnight became from nice mate, to flirty mate. Nice try girls. Its what some people call "the Game". My friend Pickle educated me about the rules of "The Game". Intriguing as it may be and indeed Pickle is quite experienced in that field, I find myself a little too old to play "The Game". No. Not too old. I just get bored very quickly. I think most blokes of my age do. Yes, I did ask like minded fellows. Its all the more sad watching ladies play "The Game". Perhaps in my yoof, I would have said differently but life is too short to piss around.

Last night in the local watering hole was not where I intended to be. Fresh out of snotville (bad cold) looking particularly dishevelled, I had no intention of "going out on the pull". Yet the powers that be said otherwise and so I was fighting them off at the gates. No. I lie. Not quite. But success was for the taking. Alas, twas a school night.

There was a lady who Recess Monkey introduced me to a while ago, a Persian princess no less. A lady with mystical talents for catching the eye of almost all the men (and some women) in the room last night. Yet somehow I couldn't help but think (and with the utmost respect) that this seemed a common occurance to the lady. I must admit, I am no picture myself but when everyone knows that he/she knows that he/she is attracting attention, it somehow seems off putting. A drunken survey confirmed that. Blokes aren't into women who think they are all that. A few mates and I stumbled into a bar full of city folk where the guys waved the readies and the girls the boobs. The girls didn't find the merchant bankers particularly attractive (probably due to the fact they were shit faced on coke and too much money) and the boys didn't find the ladies attractive due to their taste in tacky dresses and cheap champagne. I thought the days of meat markets were over. Clearly not. Indeed, our relatively working class attitude seemed more attractive than ever and some success was achieved. Then it occurred to me, this really is about attitude. One mans tart is another mans princess. Or vice versa.

To my recently made single friend. Just a word. Enjoy singledom, but be wary of players. My knee jerk reaction to becoming single was as obvious as day. Get laid, get laid, and get laid some more. Yeah cool, just make sure its with someone you can look in the eye the next day. And I know it sounds a little sappy, but there is nothing less satisfying than jumping into the sack just fresh out of a relationship. It doesn't take you anywhere. A five knuckle shuffle is cheaper, more satisfying, and less guilt ridden.

Note to the Persian beauty: The lads and I all agree that you really are.........

Pubs

2007-03-28T10:19:00.000+01:00

Whilst on the road to recovery from a particularly nasty cold I pondered the meaning of "The Local". This is in reference to ones local drinking establishment. The pub. In my case, quite reluctantly is the Sports and Social. For many years it has courted controversy, you know the kind I mean, sex, drugs and rock and roll. Heavy boozing until the early hours once upon a time was common. Besides all of that, not a bad place to drink. Not great for the singletons amongst us until Thursday/Friday night where some of parliament's finest female researchers and pals congregate in what most describe as an old man's pub. In fact for most of the week it is very much that. An old mans pub.

This got me thinking. What constitutes a local pub. What are the ingredients to make a pub a local. So recalling some of the conversations I've had over the past few years with everyone from my Dad to friends who have established themselves in certain pubs for a number of years I came up with a list of what makes a local, a local.

Dimly lit atmosphere

Smoke hovering permanently at approximately five feet above the ground

Juke box with the most modern music around the late eighties

A knarly old bloke with no teeth who is already in the pub before opening time

Ornaments on the walls of things that nobody can squarely identify but look old

Worn out carpet usually a patterned red, but can't really make out as it is too dirty

Mens toilet on the ground floor and womens toilet upstairs

Pub food

Foreign student working behind the bar hardened by regular abuse from the mid afternoon drunkard

The mid afternoon drunkard

Ales served that you've never heard of before and nor have the regulars

Toilet door that doesn't lock properly

Worn out darts board

Bunch of mates you only ever see in the pub
Musty, damp smell of cigarettes and spilt beer

These are some of the things that make a local pub. Perhaps what I've listed desccribes a fantasy local pub. No actually a stereo-typical local pub.

Is there such a bad thing as a local pub when some of the more modern outfits seem more like hospital wards or hotel foyers? Don't know. All I know, is if you feel welcomed, happy to spend a night in one place without getting hassled, get pissed that night and no-one bats an eye lid the next morning about your shameful antics the night before, then its good enough for me. Rock and Roll!!

Bears

2007-03-28T09:17:00.000+01:00

In our relative time of peace. Yes one could argue that we are not. World wide terrorism is not a new thing. Its always been here. So I was curious to hear about two old allies arguing with each other about the corpse of a bear shot in Bavaria. The Italians claim that it is their corpse of a bear and demand it back from the Germans immediately. The Germans say the corpse belongs to them. Here's the little fact that got me interested. For the first time in one hundred and seventy years, a brown bear had been spotted in Germany. And what of the reaction? Shoot the bastard because its killed a few sheep, some rabbits and a guinea pig! The Alaskans and Canadians have a much better solution if a Polar bear or a Kodiak bear runs rampage. Tranquilise the poor thing and helicopter it to some remote region away from humans. So one hundred and seventy years and finally this poor bear, probably on his holidays to Germany from Italy feels a little peckish. Perhaps one too many a sheep goulash and bang. Off to bear heaven he goes.

Why on earth would anyone want a bear corpse anyway eh?

Oh. The germans apparently want to stuff the animal for display as evidence that wild bears do exist in the forests of Bavaria. How clever.

Incidentally to make matters worse. They've tried to humanise the poor creature by calling him Bruno.

Iranian Captives

2007-03-27T12:34:00.000+01:00

Oh dear. The recent news of British Navy sailors and marines being held in Iran does seem a little coincidental to some of the posturing that is happening about Iran's nuclear capabilities. The bush administration for one can't think of a good enough excuse to bomb targets in Iran so what to the British and American govenments decide to do? Send in some people into Iranian waters to be conviniently captured. Then numerous "attempts" are made to free the hostages before a full scale attack occurs. Stick and carrot spring to mind.

Tony Blair has recently announced that if diplomatic manovures fail to secure the release of the navy personnel that events would "enter a new phase". A blatant threat of military force if ever I heard of one. Some how, I doubt very much that our forces have the strength in numbers to do anything about it. Time to call George Junior for a favour. Is this the perfect excuse for a full scale military attack? Possibly.

If I sound pro-Iranian, I am not. I do see the cynical ploy behind this though. You only have to look at the last example for the justification for war to know where I am coming from.

Maybe it will never happen....I hope.

Life on the Edge

2007-03-27T11:47:00.000+01:00

An interesting term that. One more commonly used for rock stars, stunt (wo)men, and people who jump off buildings with parachutes. Base jumpers.

Lets look a lttle closer to home though. There are people who are expert at what they do for a living. The ability probably comes naturally to them to a point where its second nature to them. This tends to breed complacency. Which breeds the desire to to something stimulating. I know a great many intelligent people who spend there time after work seeking there thrills in one way or another. Take one example. Getting hammered every night and waking up the next morning with an almighty hangover and still doing there job as expertly as though they were sober. Then there are the people that hoover up huge quantities of Columbian marching powder and do exactly the same. People who have sex with different people every night. There are other people that play sports or read or do group activties. For the majority of people I know it just doesn't quite cut it though. What is stimulation? What is thrill seeking? The science bit makes these things explainable but I for one do not wish to approach this subject from that angle. It takes all the fun out of it.

Does anyone remember the buzz out of getting drunk or high for the first time? Yes most probably it felt nauseous. After which it gets better and better and better. People who relax by taking drugs or drinking are regular normal individuals that get a thrill in a different way to other folk who prefer to watch TV or read a book. What I'm particularly fascinated by is why some people push the boundaries of getting high to an extent that it becomes dangerous. Is it about seeking ones limitation? I think its a little more simpler than that. Whether its doing drugs or drinking lots it really points to something else. Hands up who enjoys their job? A few people here and there. I raise my hand as I have a fulfilling job. Who thinks a job is an obligation? The majority of people will raise their hands to that. The trouble with working is that the majority of peoples lives are spent in a constrained environment without much ability to express ones self. Some people do feel shackled. How many people can't wait for the end of Friday to go out and have some fun? Again loads of people. Why? Because people see it as a reward and go out and get hammered to the point that the precious weekend that they had is spent recovering from Friday. What if those rewards are given during the working day and so there is less of a need to get mashed at the end of the day? Am I suggesting that people take a quick line here and there? Or a few pints every couple of hours? No. Rewards come in different forms. Its really up to people to find them out. That in itself could be reward enough.

Why do I mention all this? I work for an organisation where the drinking culture is massive. The majority of people I know drink at my local drinking establishment day in and day out. All social activities centre around one place. There is no such thing as a lunch time drink. Its a "anytime you like" drink. People have been reprimanded for drinking all day before but it never changes the habit. Personally I think it is a shame this happens. Does anyone do anything about it? No.

Going for a drink doesn't have that same sense of occassion in that place anymore. Celebrating a birthday or something like that would have made no difference. Except that those people who normally don't buy rounds would.

I used to have a friend of mine who used to go mad on E' s and coke every Friday night. Working out a quick calcuation that amounted to about one hundred and fifty quid for a night, well a night and day. That's a lot of drugs. I have no problem with the kind of drugs that were taken, it was the quantity. That was too much. Interestingly though this person now lives a relatively Buddhist life. Healthy eating, no smoking, drinking once a month, goes cycling out in the country etc. What fascinates me is what was that trigger that made them stop such a life style and replace it with one apparently less stimulating? I'll have to ask that question one day.

I know of a person who is retiring soon and I must admit it got me thinking. What will I do if I get to that age? Spend my days in the local boozer from dawn till dusk? Or will I use my time wisely? More importantly, do I have to wait that long to make that decision? I do wonder sometimes how much people of my age/generation spend on things that only give us a quick fix and a hangover.

Seeking thrills for an otherwise unstimulating life.....

Formula One Season

2007-03-27T11:20:00.000+01:00

Whay Hey! Formula One season is off again. It seems too long since the last one. What a thrilling finish to last season. This one seems to be even better. New teams, or should I say new team names, one tire manufacturer, new drivers and drivers in different teams. With the departure of Michael Shumacher there is now a belief that all those who thought Bernie Eccelstone and Max Mosley were race fixing can now see if that still is the case. Bernies interview on the grid just before the start would always end in the final question, "who do you think is going to win?", to which he answers and ninety percent of the time comes true.

My fantasy driver/team package would probably be McLaren, Jenson Button and Lewis Hamilton.

Kimi Raikkonen at Ferrari are likely to have the upper hand at the start of the season but if other teams such as McLaren develop at a faster rate as the season progresses, I think there will be a frenzied finish to the season with the winners being......

My prediction for the outcome this season? McLaren for the constructors and Alonso for the drivers title. Kimi Raikkonen in second with Hamilton third. Massa fourth. The rest are going to be difficult to predict as both BMW and Williams have started off very well and may upset a few usually predictable results mid season.

Honda and Jenson Button and all the hoo hah that surrounded his decision to terminate his contract with Williams has blown up in his face for two reasons. One, he effectively rubbished Williams by saying that Honda would take him to world champion status and that he believed it so much that he paid Williams twenty million plus pounds to severe his contract. Two, Honda are not delivering and will not do. This season I think will be yet another disappointing one for Honda and Jenson will still need to fulfill the remaining three years of his contract. After that he will be thirty years old, people will still remember him for shitting on William, who incidentally will probably have won more races if not a championship by then. He'll end living his F1 career in Spyker or Torro Rosso. Put Jenson into a McLaren now or even a Ferrari and we would see what he can do. A final nail for Honda is there sister team Super Aguri had the edge on Honda in Adelaide and finished much better off than Honda due to retaining last years chassis and this years engine. Oh dear.

Poor David Coultard.Poor Red Bull. Being hugely out qualified my his team mate Mark Webber was a tad embarrassing. Give the man a job commentating. Out of all the drivers he can talk the talk.I used to be a big fan of old square jaws and rejoiced in his numerous wins of old (his McLaren days). Now its time to hang up his helmet and place himself in the commentators seat. I for one would find his conversation whilst viewing the race most interesting.

If I really wanted to push the boat out for who this years winner is going to be, then it would be nice to see Kimi do it.

Special DVD deals

2007-03-27T10:59:00.000+01:00

Being ill has its advantages. That DVD I bought a while ago on a whim now beckons me. Its funny how stupid people can be some times at DVD sales. Buy five for twenty quid. You get my drift. After much browsing you have selected four. You need five though otherwise the deal doesn't work and you have to pay for all four as individually priced. Which would amount to about seventy quid. This certainly has been the case for me and I've always opted for something I have never ever contemplated watching but I have chosen because Empire magazine rate's with four stars out of five.

For months this DVD sits on the shelf and if it had a voice would constantly be shouting "why the f*ck did you buy me?", "Watch me! watch me pleeeaaaaaseee!".

The only trouble I have now is which one out of five "dust gathering" DVD's should I watch?

The BBC production of Rome beckons me....

Spartans and the Persians

2007-03-27T10:37:00.000+01:00

I watched "300" the other day. About the 300 Spartan soldiers that held off a load of Persians. In a nutshell.

Okay. The leader of the Spartan posse was none too happy about an offer from the Persian crue to take over there land, resources and bitches and hoe's. So returned a polite message by way of killing the messenger. The Spartan dope smokers (priests) decided it would be unwise to defend or attack the persian army. Leonidas the boss had to heed this instruction and decided to go out for a pleasent country walk instead with his 300 personal body guards and perhaps meet a few hundred more mates along the way for a stroll to the beach. Much fighting thereafter ensues when the Persian lot didn't want to play beachh volley ball. The end I'll save for you to find out for yourselves.

The effects are spectacular. The acting, mmmmmm, good but not great. Blood content? Even Dracula couldn't drink that much. Decapitation and limb swapping, hardcore!

Go watch it if any of those things don't bother you too much. If they turn you on however then can I recommmend you see some who'll lock you up for a while.

On a final note. As I surfed the web, I noticed that many Iranian's were up in arms (not literally, now that would be stereo-typing) about the representation of the Persian army in the film. Funny how I didn't see greeks complaining about when "Alexander" with Colin Farrell acting as the man himself enjoying a bit of man loving, or the countless number of films about World War one and two the Germans night might been little upset about?

The BBC are planning a blockbuster movie about Maggie Thatcher and the run up to the Falklands war. I can't wait to see the reaction to that. Helen Mirren for the leading lady again? Or perhaps the puppet out of spitting image for the role.

Cold callers

2007-03-27T10:27:00.000+01:00

Yesterday I celebrated popping into this world thirty three years ago to an almighty cold. A head full of snot and an insistent need to reduce the rainforest by a third due to the amount of tissues I am going through at the moment. I wake today feeling worse than before. Whilst making some green tea (what? 2Darts getting healthy?) the phone rings. Now normally I wouldn't answer the phone if I am at home during the day. But high on lemsip and sudafed capsules I pick it up. There is this phenomenon recently where companies use overseas cold call centres. This is easily identified by a pause before the person calling says something. Immediately I put the phone down. Seconds later the phone rings again. This time I thought it might be important. Alas not. Some dip shit calling from f*ck knows where wants to sell me something to do with finance. Immediately I reply that I am quite unwell and in no mood to speak to anyone.........

"I understand Mr 2Darts but this finan.." (Click). I put the phone down. What is wrong with these people ?

Predicting the Future

2007-03-23T09:17:00.000Z

I have been known not to suffer fools gladly. So on a random web surfing excursion, well not entirely true, while researching fit sporting journalists (Emma Parker-Bowles) I came across some twat's interpretation of Nostradamus.

www.newprophecy.net

I for one don't think there is such a thing as predicting the future. Educated guesses; a more likely effort at seeing the future. No seriously, predicting the future has always been a fascinating subject. Some of the most famous people in the world have believed in seeing the future or seeking guidance from such prophets. Genghis Khan, Adolf Hitler, Boadica, Queen Victoria........King Arthur. What? you're thinking that Arthur was a made up character aren't you? That point I'll argue another time but for now, all I have to say is, Merlin. Snow White's wicked witch. Hang on a minute, most of the listed also happen to be murderous dictators too!

Seeing the future is very much a mystical ability and science aims to turn this into something tangible. Science is already trying to disprove the existence of God. I for one couldn't care less. The idea of a higher being to me is meaningless as I've always believed that God is within you. You can be your own best friend or your worst enemy. God and religion are a way to shrug off responsibility for ones own actions. Why do people pray to god and ask for help in the worst moments of time? I'm not going to travel down this road for this particular article as I don't wish to come across as being argumentative. Everyone is entitled to their beliefs. I shall continue this at a later date minus the hangover.

Science, mathematic, the universal language can eventually prove that predicting the future is possible spoiling the magical idea of "seeing the future".

...for fear of talking just a load of bollocks, I shall stop for now and continue later.....

With Friends like these.....

2007-03-23T08:47:00.000Z

The BBC is my portal to the news of the world. No, not the tacky tabloid but literally, my source for worldly news. So with that I came across a most amusing article. Well one line of it was rather amusing. Through the fog of night before this morning I read about the unfortunate tale of the kidnapped monkey. Not Recess Monkey for he is alive and well and involving himself in quiz night.

Here is the bit I found amusing.

"A rare squirrel monkey was stolen from his cage by a group of friends visiting Chessington World of Adventures."

Whose friends? The monkey's friends? Or was it the Koala gang on a hit gone wrong? Perhaps the monkey hadn't paid his gambling debt so someone sent the boy's around for a lesson...

Lifts, ladies and booze

2007-03-23T08:29:00.000Z

Lifts in the building that I work in are rubbish. Since the absence of distinguished VIP's in the building, the whole place has been maintained by bits of string and glue. Every week, there are problems with the lifts. They either don't work, go to the wrong floor, or don't arrive when you press the buttton to go up or down. Normally this is highly irritating. This time around however, it worked a treat. A very attractive Business Relationship Manager happened to be waiting for the lift yesterday afternoon. Small talk ensued. As we entered the lift I exclaimed how poor these lifts were (what a charmer eh!) and how they were prone to breaking down, as she press the button for the ground floor. The doors shut and a short way down the lift stopped working! Miracle. Opportunity fell upon me. A moment to flirt, and perhaps to cheekily ask her out on a date amounted to me jumping up and down to somehow get the lift going again. Oh dear.

The team pub crawl got under way late afternoon. Starting with a merry band of five, which culminated in half of the department cramming themselves into a small bar. I think I managed pint five before heading off home. Except I didn't. A convinient phone call from a friend in the Sports and Social, (considered to be my local drinking establishment) led me to join a merry band of friends on quiz night. Strangely the rest of the night from there on in became a little hazy.

Kebab, and home. Yes, yes, my voluntary ban on kebabs has been lifted. And what a kebab. Seven quid's worth of juicy chicken and lamb flesh.

Incidentally, the lift started working after jumping up and down like a lunatic.

Too Much.....

2007-03-15T08:03:00.000Z

I have finally decided to end my love affair with the old pub closing time snack. The kebab. Feeling reasonably sober, I felt a little peckish. My local kebab shop provided me with what I wanted and by the time I got home, I opened the box, ate a couple of mouth fulls of the stuff and couldn't eat anymore.

I compare the experience with that of picking out a copy of Loaded magasine from my local paper and buying it. It doesn't feel right for a thirty two year old to do. Not only that, it is a little embarrassing. Yes I'm still drawing parallels with kebabs. At the kebab shop I was surrounded by young early twenty year olds out from the pub, hammered out their skulls on shandy doing exactly what I used to do at that age. Incidentally the same age group that buy Loaded magasine. Oh dear. Time to grow up Two Darts and settle for a posh turkish restaurant instead.

Oh, one final thing. A note to one irritated reader. I've made it clear in the past about who and what I written about in previous articles. The identity of who I write about is tastefully hidden. Its funny how all of the readership of this blog don't know of these people. If you don't like what you read then don't read it. Simple. This blog is for public consumption but also in some ways a journal of ones self. I occasionally read back some old entries and I see how I've changed. Its quite interesting to see how opinions change or don't. I am fortunate not to attract too much media attention with my blog unlike Recess Monkey who recently recieved compliments for his accidental reporting of the demise of Margaret Thatcher as well as plenty of threats.

Sometimes...

2007-03-15T07:39:00.000Z

...I really do think that I've woken up one morning and a whole day passes by where everyone is either weird, stupid, or just dis-jointed, mentally. Yesterday was one of those days. Not only is climate change destroying earth as we know it but it is driving people insane. Terrorism is constantly at the forefront of most media. The UK in its efforts to try to replace the Trident missile system are having a hard time convincing people that it is a good thing in this age of uncertaintly. What are they talking about? Are the rogue states of the world poised to detonate nuclear weapons upon us? Does the government know something we do not? Or should I say that the government would like us to think that and will be all to happy to fan those flames of paranoia. Last nights vote to agree a plan to have a replacement system, was reluctantly agreed. What next? A demonstration of how vitally important it is to have a nuclear deterent? Another terrorist atttack should do the trick. It is a little hard not to be cynical. Hey I'm sure it was great to get rid of Saddam and his cronies for the sake of democracy and freedom. But what were those initial reasons? Al-Qaeda? WMD's? Oil? More over these kind of things breed more paranoia and the conspiracy theorists are having a field day. You see, there something for everyone!

On a serious note about climate change and other worldly looming disasters, where has the fun gone out of life. I mean, really. Where have the fun times gone? Is this a privelage that only children have now? The doom mongers will have you know about what could happen to the planet in a mere 43 years. It looks bad. Really bad. They say that if we don't reduce carbon output that disasterous consequences are at our door step. A friend of mine mentioned last night that big carbon dioxide emitters like China, India and the US are causing a lot of damage. China and India are still considered developing nations and have huge populations to support. The US.....well the US is just plain greedy and ignorant. I read about two of the largest US car manufacturers complaining that a four percent increase in fuel efficiency is far too expensive a target to meet! At what cost? What have they been doing all this time while european and japanese car manufacturers have been producing fuel efficient vehicles for quite some time. At a time where people are more aware of global issues more than ever, isn't it time we had some influence over greedy nations and greedy companies? My love of driving is something of the past. I hope that with what I do to help reduce global warming will keep my conscience a little more clear than those that do absolutely nothing.

Internet dating

2007-03-02T07:38:00.000Z

As someone who never says no to new ideas, (although there as somethings I just won't do) I took a couple of days off to just chill out. Two hours into my well deserved freedom I realised that boredom does not have any positive effect. So whilst surfing the web I came across ITV's Dating site. Curiousity got the better of me so I decided to enter my (false) details and got cracking with finding a fine looking laydee. Pause for a moment. I'm increasingly seeing examples of urbanite spelling such as the one demonstrated earlier. Is the english language evolving? Are we beginning to see the dawn of a new way of spellin? Yeah man, iz like iz really hip ya kno...Perhaps not. Although there are examples of exam answers where the yoof, sorry, youth of today are writing in Textlish. U Know wot I mean. Un-pause. So Putting in my criteria of the kind of lady I would like to meet (19-99) - (I am joking), along with a few other attributes, the search sprang quite a few lovely single ladies. It was only really after reading a few examples that I discovered that along with describing ones self, that there is an attribute describing what kind of person you are. You know, easy going, independent, low maintenance and high maintenance. Who on earth would describe themselves as high maintenance? Really? Sounds like a highly desirable quality. If your a footballer. Initially I thought high maintenance was someone who'd be very expensive to take out for a night or even to live with. But for the right lady, I would spent money on her lavishly. No. High maintenance sounded a little more like needy, clingy, an emotional wreck. Those words strike fear into most single people looking for "fun, friendship.....and possibly more". Does that sound cliched? It was supposed to. For some reason, everytime I read that line in a dating ad, I keep thinking that there is a silent nudge, nudge, wink, wink to add to the last two words. Clearly I watched too much Benny Hill as a kid.

Oh finally, the classic for internet dating. Whilst sifting through more ladies, I came across a picture of a woman who lived just around the corner from me, had all the attributes that I was looking for in a lady, and looked a spitting image of Helena Christensen. Wow. Too good to be true? Yep. It was a picture of H.C. Probably the reality of it? A moose. Not just any moose, probably a dungeree wearing, feminist, border line lesbian, bi-curious, hardline communist just waiting for someone stupid enough to arrange a date, for her to then shout and scream at the poor soul for being so shallow and that beauty is only skin deep. Yeah. Yeah. Come on love, face it, it helps to look a little attractive. Just a second, is there a copyright liability for using someone elses face ? Mis-leading? Could I get my money back if she wasn't the real deal? Defamation of character? This dating stuff is way too complicated sometimes.

The Night that Never Was

2007-03-02T07:08:00.000Z

Much anticipation and expectation was held for last night. A good friend and colleague who rarely goes out on the lash decided to do so last night and made mention of it in advance. The reason for joining our merry band was not to see Kumar get hammered, although that happened anyway, but to make it an occasion. That never was. The usual suspects were strangely absent on this particular night. The Fox, Pickle amongst a couple of others. Even that well known bar fly, my mate Dave, seemed reluctant to party on with us.

Things spiced up a little with the presence of Lembit Opik, oh and I almost forgot, and his partner. Damn. What's her name? What a cheek(y) I can't remember her name. Gabriella something or other. Ok. One Cheek of the Cheeky Girls. How did he do it? I must say, she is indeed a very attractive woman. She wasn't immediately recognisable, but noticing Lembit with a lovely lady, and putting two and two together (pre-ninth pint adds up to four) it could only have been the aforementioned lady.

Probably one of the most disappointing moments of the night, and I largely blame myself for not been as sharp as I normally am, was the moment my mate Recess Monkey introduced me to an amazingly attractive lady. No. Not the other half of the Cheeky Girls but a very attractive lady indeed. I woke up this morning a little disappointed for missing the chance to shine. Brain clearly not in gear.

Even more annoying that I hadn't managed to avoid my local kebab shop last night either. I woke up this morning thinking that kebabs had taken over the planet until I realised that one of two things happened. Either my cats had got fed up of waiting for dinner and decided to open up a kebab restaurant or that as I had no feeling on my face that I did not know where my mouth was, I took the scatter gun approach to eating. Some parts of the food must have been on target as the familiar morning after, whoops I've eaten a kebab taste made itself familiar. Looking at the aftermath of the battle of kebab, it was a bloody battle and a devastating scene.

Heroes

2007-02-25T08:16:00.000Z

American drama series seemed to have saturated our great shores of late. While great as some of them may be, they tend to follow a well trodden path of crime themes. Take CSI for example, I've not managed to watch an episode in its entirety as I get the point of it. After much convincing by a friend of mine I managed to get around to watching 24. Admittedly, it is damn good. I am watching season 6 at the moment and after five season's I think it is buckling from the strain of having to become more innovative than the last. It has a lot to live up to after five seasons. How many more facets of the crime genre can the industry cover? Indeed are there anymore?

There are the teenage/coming of age drama's. One tree Hill, Smallville and The O.C. Again pretty compelling stuff. Why have I included Smallville? Its about a young Superman. Yes, true but after watching a handful of episodes, it still aligns itself to the two mentioned previously in certain ways.

So, on to the main topic of conversation. Yet another brand new show. But a show with more than just a difference. Rewind about two months ago. A friend of mine, Kumar (he who also convinced me to watch 24) mentioned a while back of a series called Heroes. Intrigued, I asked him what it was all about. And as articulate as ever, Kumar said with a broad grin, "its good". Taking that as a hint, as in, "don't ask, just watch". With that kind of endorsement, I had to believe the guy. Roll forward to about a month ago and I decided to watch the first eleven episodes (thanks to the miracle that is the internet). I wasn't prepared for what I saw next. I would find myself in almost as much difficulty as Kumar to articulate what this series is about. As it is now being shown in the UK, much of the mystery surrounding the series has disappeared so I can safely summarise what all the fuss is about......

Where the X-Men films are all glamour and glitz, Heroes is more...."real". How does a bored office worker who can teleport, an indestructible cheerleader, a man who can fly sound? Oh and there are more of them too with different abilities. This time around, the series doesn't decend into pretty social, moralistic mess It really, truely sticks to the objective that it sets out right from the first episode. Both are based on graphic novels but don't leet that put you off if you're not a fan of them. There is something for everyone in this brilliant new series. You'll be hooked by the first episode. I promise.

Web Conferencing

2007-02-07T13:07:00.000Z

Web conferencing is a wonderful thing. Except when one doesn't have a web camera. This was the case today for me. Leg a bit mashed as a consequence of slipping this morning. Microsoft Vista not support my webcam of choice and so the built in mic doesn't work either. No matter, as I assisted my fellow colleagues through their first tentative steps toward global conferencing I realised the voyeuristic nature of it all when one doesn't have a webcam. Indeed for a moment as I could only communicate via the chat facility I felt very Big Brother'ish. Other web person's would have to wait patiently for my response. Oh the POWER!!! Just kidding.

Cool stuff and I think facilities like this are a godsend for people with mobility issues or for people who cannot afford the expensive air travel to see far away relatives. On the other hand it can be a little Big Brother when you put it in the context of the "Working from Home" idea. For many, it is an excuse to have a day off and email the report you said you would do on the "Working from Home" day that you actually typed a weeks ago as evidence that you actually did some work. Does working from home mean that if you web conference that you have to wear a suit? Or that the background to the video image at home should look office like? I'm sure some bright spark will create a definition of web conferencing ettiquette.

Pickle

2007-02-07T08:17:00.000Z

My mate Pickle seemed a little uneasy when I mentioned that I had wrote and post a picture of her mate, my mate, marmite (lets not get carried away). Attention should never stray too far from Pickle for she gets a little upset. So as the the Aztec's or Mayans once did, to protect themselves from the God's anger, they would put a picture up....So here you go Pickle. A picture of you too.....

Incidentally, the Aztecs/Mayans would sacrifice some poor soul. Damn. I must research some more. I shall write a future article on the subject. Or that is write an article in the future on the subject.

Odd

2007-02-07T07:45:00.000Z

Scientist back Nuclear Burial Plan - The headlines I woke up to this morning. Admittedly in the science section of the BBC news website. So what's the first thing anyone could possibly imagine? A funeral with a difference? Just imagine the neon signs above an undertakers shop. Special discounts for over 80's. What about a buy one get one free? Feel like earth or cremation just don't kick it? Prefer a nice warm glow in death? Steady on...

Burying nuclear waste. What a brilliantly stupid idea. So what if nuclear war did happen and that those burial sites were targetted? The impact of a nuclear weapon is bad enough but then to have one unearth more radioactive waste? Oh dear.

Okay. Being attacked by a nuclear weapon is a remote possibility. What about rising water tables? Global warming suggests sea levels rising. If this is the case then surely at some point the so called tunnels in which these things will be stored will flood. So unless they hope to contain these nuclear canisters in plastic or aluminium (or as the americans would say aluminum...odd), free from rust....

Here's another suggestion. Thousands of years from now and predictably civilisation ends and we all end up eating each other as there is nothing left to each. Climate change has stuffed the planet of resources. The weather is far too extreme to live on the surface. So what do we do? We dig to live underground. Super. As all records of where the nuclear waste has been buried and forgotten, people are unaware that these strange canisters are not some wonderful ancient artifact or a time capsule but something that will most likely prevent them from having babies. End of humankind. In the UK anyway.

Fame at last?

2007-02-07T07:03:00.000Z

I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't seen it with my own eyes. Or more to the point, that a nice contributor had wrote in the last article something of a coincidence. Supposedly I have made a film. Or should I say an imposter has. How can this be? Did the film, Invasion of the Body Snatchers become real? No no. Anyway, check it out here and see for yourself...

Just remember. All is not what it seems.....

STEAK

2007-02-06T07:20:00.000Z

After fatefully searching for Steak and Cheese sauce some months ago, I have found the perfect recipe for a stilton sauce to go with my steaks. Unfortunately the ingredients necessary to bring about this sauce contains wine. Surely there must be a wine substitute. Please don't think that I'm going all evangelical on the whole alchohol thing. I was in the pub last night for a short while. But why is it that some of the finest dishes, sauces and desserts contain alchohol of some sort. Okay perhaps Steak and Guiness pie not so good. I had a bad experience with one. Well the person who cooked it for me made a mistake. Whilst the ingredients listed in the book was for four people, we were but two. So accounting for this everything was halfed. Except the amount of Guiness. So while the aroma was fantastic, the overdose of guiness was not...

I had an interesting conversation with a work colleague. While solving one of lifes mysteries in the world of computing, Pilot man (as I shall call him), described in some detail about his eating habits. One not to shun away from such a delightful topic pursued this line of conversation. Which accumulated into one about steaks. Mmmmm. Steaks. And it seems as though Pilot man and I have both been to the same website proclaiming to offer a 72oz steak for free. That's about over two kilograms of cow flesh. It has to be consumed with a potato and salad within an hour. Sounds like a dream come true for both Pilot Man and I.

The trouble is that while Good Old Blighty, thanks to the Blair years, had accelerated the process of trying to become the next state of America by allowing american supermarkets to bring cheap food and booze to the masses, fast food establishments spreading like some kind of disease and finally that place where they have loadsa cocktails and bubbly (on the verge of insane) waiters and waitresses waiting hand over foot to ensure your meal is exactly like the varnish representation on the menu, phew, TGI Friday. Where are these infamous steak houses in the UK? Are there any? Does a road trip beckon with my new friend Pilot Man? Umm. Dunno. Perhaps a trip to the local butchers might work. I wonder how much two kilograms of steak would cost here?

As cunning as a Fox

2007-02-01T07:51:00.000Z

First of all I'd like to congratulate my friend Foxy on braving the cold morning yesterday to picket her bosses about pay and pensions or something like that. Clearly she mean't serious business dressed warmly with bright pink ear muffs and a bright leafy, seventies, camp, scarf. I was reminded at 7.30am that morning that I promised to bring her coffee. And then again at 8.45am. And again at 9.25am.

I remember when I first met Foxy. I thought she was a lovely lady but ever so quiet and shy. But over time, and just like a fox, she is smart, cunning, inquisitive, passionate about what she believes in (not sure if foxes do that), and versatile. Boy this sounds like a school report. Anyway, the main thing is that I'm proud of what she achieved yesterday. Well done.

Hope the effort has been worthwhile Foxy. I do have a picture of my furry little friend but I won't be posting it....as she is The Fox and her identity will remain secret.

Just a quick observation. What on earth was I talking about in my last post? No need for acid. Just lack of sleep.

Weather Balloons

2007-01-30T21:40:00.000Z

A persistent question I've wanted to ask ever since I read my mate Guiness's comment in an earlier post was a mention of a Darwin award to a bloke who wanted to reach out like the guy with waxy wings to see if the Sun was as small as that? Did it take just the one balloon ? I mean how much did he have to weigh plus the couch in order to fulfill his dream of floating up to the stratosphere? Without sounding strange'ist but what kind of a weird fucker would contemplate doing that let alone doing that!?

One more thing. Are we as "normal" people qualified to define stupidity as a point in our lives where we have all once (past experience) been stupid? Is our definition of stupidity a statement of how far we are on the society ladder? Surely stupidity works on an intellectual level. As does blind arrogance which in itself lends itself to stupidity. Infact are the extremities of stupidity suggesting the beginning of innocence? Think about an innocent five year old walking down a london high street and saying "Mummy, why is that man black?" Does that sound stupid or is that simply an innocent observation? Some people may have the mentality of a five year old. Does that make them innocent or simply retarded? And not in the traditional sense. Or perhaps the retrograde mentality of the antagontist implies that as a culture that the culture is retarded...

Note on the Guiness Rant

2007-01-30T08:03:00.000Z

Just re-read your parting comment and as I know your wonderful sense of humour I too would be inclinde to agree. Lets round them all up and with a branding iron, call them stupidity. But please bear in mind that when that happens you bring these moron to band together (as observed in your earlier point). As this happens and they are seen as pariahs, and most likely ridiculed, something that history has shown us; from once they were weak minded babbling fools, to in strength in numbers they grow (cue biblical music) till one day they announce themselves to the world. A new order! A new way of thinking! A new religion! Stupidism. They will infliterate our governments (its already happened in America), our schools will not longer be safe haven for religious indifference. All those who oppose Stupidism will have to wear arm bands as a mark of identity of the non believers. The skies will darken and rain turns to blood with which rivers will flow.......have I got carried away?

Twisted Logic part Deux

2007-01-30T07:17:00.000Z

Whilst reading the news this morning I came across the sad news of five teenagers who died in a horrific car crash. Basically, they had stolen a Rover Metro car and eventually smashed into three walls, a lamp post and a car. A terrible waste of life. But perhaps it could have been prevented. Taking the David Cameron, hug a hoodie approach, had some rich old bastard conviniently left the keys to his Mercedes S500 in the lock, then potentially this fatality could have been avoided. Rover Metros are renound for folding like paper just by hitting a pebble. Take care of your friendly local hoodie. Give them the security they need. You can't beat a Merc.

What a terrible thing I've said. Nope. Not really. For one, where the hell did hoodie culture spring up from? Why has society gone all soft on these feral beasts that cause nothing but fear and paranoia in the decent working people. And pensioners. At the first sign of feral type symptoms, off to the Borstal they go. The thought of a bit of harmless ass raping by some seven foot, twenty stone, seventeen year old thug might make them think about stealing, mugging, beating someone. In my day the fear of god, were my parents. If I was ever caught doing something I shouldn't, then boy I would be petrified at the thought of my Dad ever finding out. Have some parents of this day and age lost all sense of discipline? That programme, Lads Army has the right idea. Bring back national service and get these idiots doing something useful.

The really sad thing about the failure of our system is that two of the lads in the accident had already been issued an ASBO. Looking at the pictures of those poor kids I can only say that was a tragic shame they lost their lives and for them to miss out on the wonders of what may have been. Incidentally, the article read was of an inquest into the manner of the accident.

Twisted Logic and Stereo Typing.

2007-01-30T07:10:00.000Z

Whilst on my journey home after a pointless night at the boozer the bus had come to an abrupt halt as a little further up the road were lots of police cars and an ambulance was trying to cut its way through traffic. Interestingly the location for this event happened to be good old Brixton. As I approach the scene of what looked like an accident, that the way the young fellow looked and given that it was Brixton that he'd been shot. As I continued further to walk to get another bus I felt mortified about my own conclusion. What evidence did I have to arrive at this conclusion, and all I had were a bunch of statistics that I had read earlier in the year. I felt full of shame...until that is I heard other people muttering that they heard sounds of gun shots. In a twisted kind of way, that made me feel a little better.

On a final note. I remember having a pleasant conversation with a pleasant french man. But I was probably talking a load of bollocks.

In Response to Guiness

2007-01-30T06:22:00.000Z

Thanks for your emotive response in your earlier comment. Yes indeed. Like you I had no interest in CBB and never have done. For anyone who seems to think that the antics of hand picked idiots on screen is going to cause an international incident and even make mention in Parliament is likely to be an idiot themselves. Hang on, it did.

Bigotry, racism, igorance, (or word of the month in the context of this article) plays a part in all cultures. It is not one way racism. It can be quiet un-nerving the first time I ever heard blatant racism within the indian culture. I was mortified that for all the racism I experienced, here for the first time I heard people that I once felt a part of suddenly tear down my beliefs that we were the ones who were victims. Certain relatives would say the most outrageous things. And at the same time when confronted with the accusation that they too are racist, the same reaction occurs. "Of course I'm not" or "I'm only joking." What a load of rubbish. It seems as though this form of counter-stupidity/racism only stokes this perpetual fire.

Perhaps this is why I like so many feel it better to shed a part of that identity that we inherit for an identity that we can truly call our own.

TV show or not, yes stupidity exists in all cultures, the frightening thing is that those with extreme racist, fascist, ignorant beliefs tend to whisper and mutter behind closed doors. One can only imagine the kind of real hatred they have. Simmering away in the quiet of their homes. Its those types of people who clearly haven't grasped the opportunity to embrace multiculturalism. Some say multiculturalism is a dilution of the fabric of Britishness. I also seem to remember the British Empire starting this all off. Inadvertently of course. I think as a nation we should be extremely proud in the way that as a whole we embrace all the multitudes of society, culture, race and religion. I think despite some of the inherited problems faced with our multi-culturalism we lead a more tolerant, and colourful life.

Incidentally, the nickname Guiness is not for that fact that Guiness is of Irish descent but its the only bloody thing I see him drink. And by rights Guiness could christen me a nickname based on my drinking habits too but that would mean it would be something like:

KronenbourgCiderVodkaWhiskyFostersGuinessMerlotCabernetChampagneCheapWhiteWineSambucaTheDodgyGreenStuffTheOneThatMakesMeViolentlyIll.

Big Bother

2007-01-28T19:04:00.000Z

So a bunch of egos have left the Big Brother house and the controversy ends.....with a big moral vote, Shilpa Shetti wins and we can all feel proud of our selves for resurrecting that veil that is utopia. So voting for Shilpa, "The Indian" redeems the under current of racism in this country. What a joke. Am I suggesting that all Brits are a bunch of shallow characters; that we are too afraid to acknowledge the coal face prejudices that linger in our society? Now that would be too close to the bone. What if I were to suggest that we are a society of people too afraid to understand our own personal prejudice that we make an example and a scape goat of someone like Jade Goody? I for one as a British Indian find this whole spectacle interesting. I have a great many friends from all walks of life and from different cultures. The culture that defines me are my friends, my family, my lifestyle and my self awareness and awareness of others. People like my friends and I never see skin colour or cultural differences. Infact I'd like to think we are not even aware of it. I am proud to be one of many; and thankfully in a melting pot like in a cosmopolitan city like London to be a part of a new culture that does not recognise social or cultural difference as an excuse for prejudice, and that is wonderful.

Prejudice of some kind will always play a part in human nature for that is who we are and how we behave. But prejudice also plays a part in deciding between what is right and what is wrong. Without such a thing as that then what would become of people who willfully commit crime and disorder?

I watched the highlights of the last few weeks of the events in the CBB household tonight and there were things that I was shocked to hear. So were a great many people. But what I am truly shocked by is my own ignorance. How could I have thought such sour, narrow minded people were a thing of the past because it is as real as day and night. I thought yes it exists but only in the small minded racists that thankfully I don't have to see or hear everyday. But shockingly as by virtue of being I assumed (stupidly) a celebrity that they would at least have an understanding of the diversity of culture. How wrong I am. I could mention bullying. Prejudice of a different crime.

I have in my youth been a victim of terrible prejudice, racism at its most cruelest. There is nothing worse as a child than to question why for the sake of who you are that you aren't excepted as part of the community for the simple reason of the colour of ones skin and the different culture that one has been born into. Some say the fittest always survive. Adaptation always survives. So for all those who fear change and will not accept change, where else will they have to go? And what can they do about it when everyone else does change....

A state of mind

2007-01-28T18:49:00.000Z

Not that I'm counting the months that I have been single for. Okay, so I am.. A thought occurred to me just this minute about the subject. Can it be true that as long as one constantly reminds himself or herself that they are single that they are likely to remain so? There must have some truth to it. Perhaps the only time when one is truely happy is when one forgets about the fact that they are single. Perhaps then only can they/we find the happiness that we are looking for. And I'm not talking about finding that special person. I suppose it must be about being happy. Full stop. Which ever way that works out. The other day I thought about the "what ifs" and "what if I..." and concluded the same thing over and over again. What if I realise that what has happened and what consequences that followed are just a form of change that forever we all go through. Some people find it hard to accept this basic rule of life. Things change constantly no matter how colourful or bland ones life is. It is constantly changing.

Funny Day

2007-01-16T20:55:00.000Z

Just heard the most funniest and probably the daftest statement today.

Some bloke on Celebrity Big Brother quoted as saying "I'm worried about the health and safety of death". Irony doesn't quite capture the moment.

Another daft mention goes to a colleague of mine. While mentioning the virtues of having a sensible naming convention when unifying printer names where the prefix "L" is descriptive of a printer function he concluded "I think L is a good letter for Location". Sorry perhaps you had to be there and to have understood the context.

Narrow minded fools and climate change

2007-01-11T06:11:00.000Z

Chrysler announced its doubts about climate change suggesting that it is way way in the future. Why. Money. Why else? Profits are down. Can't shift enough crappy gas guzzling cars. Who on earth would be stupid enough to suggest that it isn't really happening. Sounds like a company on its last legs. We have only to witness events around the world. Extreme weather. Massively power hurricanes battering parts of coastal US. Tornado frequency increasing. There was one in London not so long ago. Flooding, hail etc. Isn't it obvious that it is happening now? Only holocaust deniers are worse. I think in all honesty Chrysler should really look to moving away from traditional car manufacturing and go into the canoe business.

Sport and Drugs

2007-01-11T05:53:00.000Z

Sorry about the drug themed post.

There is wide spread condemnation of drug use within sport. An MP called for a more relaxed approach to recreational drugs and sports people. Not worthy of a fuller explanation really as it is about the most ridiculous thing to say. It got me thinking though. All those fallen heroes of sport. Ben Johnson in particular. Cheated twice. But not before smashing the one hundred metre sprint record. What would it be like to have an athletics championship for sports athletes high on the drug of their choice? Would the sprint to a hundred metres ever be achieved in eight seconds or less? Or what about the four metre high jump? The one mile shot put throw? Or better still the five hundred mile marathon?